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Better Not Bitter

Responding God's Way to Life's Challenges

Forgiving and Forgetting is Not an Option Anymore!

A wound superficially covered will cause infection, but bleeding and allowing the wound exposure is often the best way to heal it. At least it is for me…

  • True Forgiveness Requires Grief!
  • It Requires Stages.
  • It Requires that one face the pain of what happened and why it happened.
  • It Requires Identifying who is responsible.

All the answers may never be gathered, but to slap a “Forgive and Forget It” Band-Aid on a Gaping Wound is senseless and now I realize is simply unbiblical! The Process Requires the need to not just breathe in God’s redemptive air, but to also bleed…

The Stages of Grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

So now I realize why I had pangs of guilt after thinking of the pain I’ve endured at the hands of others were unwarranted. I responded out of order. Rather, I reacted.

A response is one made with thoughtful intention, but my reaction was bred in a tainted petri dish…one where I was led to believe forgiveness is an all or nothing process…

Hmph…to say anything is an ALL or NOTHING PROCESS is oxymoronic in itself…Every process requires LAYERS….

I’ve been forced to consider things differently now and I am glad I’ve obliged.

There is a delicate and perpetual PROCESS to forgiving.  It is not merely “letting it go” as the Greek word for forgive, “aphesis” has so often been misapplied. Now the term does mean “let go,” but there are other meanings so don’t get me wrong here. I am still a word nerd.

“Release” is the definition that resonated with me the most. And since yesterday I realize the meaning is more than “releasing the offender from accountability.”  Rather, for me this release is solely for me…for my peace of mind… I release him, I release her, I release them for me!

I release myself to fully go through the process of grieving the loss of my ability to trust, to set proper boundaries, to receive unconditional love, to be myself without shame or condemnation…

I release myself to be angry with the circumstances and the fact that sometimes it seems that those who do wrong get away with it…

I release the thought that denial of what happened will make everything better…

I release the depression I didn’t know I was in for far too many years because I chose to bury what was still very much alive…

I release the need to bargain with God or myself as to whether I feel comfortable having this person or that person in my life again.  I don’t.

I release myself to the freedom of accepting that forgiveness is not one size fits all…that the process is perpetual…that I am not condemned for having a moment. I have had many moments and I will likely have many more. Regardless, for me, just forgiving and forgetting is not an option anymore.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Saturate Their Atmosphere with Your Absence

Last night I had the privilege of spending time with a wonderful group of ladies who I have grown to love and trust. While not divulging the details of our gathering, one thing I just must share.

When dealing with difficult people sometimes the best thing you can do is “Saturate their atmosphere with YOUR absence!”

God has been helping me dissect the reasons I still get angry at the mention of certain people’s names or why I get nauseated at the mere presence of others. It is not out right unforgivenness. I just hadn’t allowed myself to go through the process of “forgiving.”

I’ve wondered for years whether something was wrong with me…whether I would ever really get this forgiveness thing down when at times it seems I’m good and others I’m not. I’ve written about it so much…those few posts alone would be great ammunition for a weapon of mass deliverance I’m sure. Yet, I believe I secretly condemned myself for paying too much attention to forgiving and forgetting instead of appreciating my PROGRESS…On the way to meet with these lovely souls, I recounted the many times I’d heard biblical teachings on forgiveness like,

“Unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve included that quote in prior posts, but what do you do when the offender is the one forcing the toxic syringe into your arm? What is the remedy for desiring to please God by offering an offender grace only to not quite be there yet?

So I considered more closely my feelings about those who had done me wrong….and last night God whispered to me,

“but how does that make you feel?”

“I don’t want to ever be reconciled with the offender!

You see many in the church have hammered into the skull of every would-be Christian that YOU MUST FORGIVE OR GOD WON’T FORGIVE YOU!!!

While the word of God is true, blatantly saying this alone implies forgiveness is a one-size fits all prerequisite to receive God’s grace.  That kind of flies in the face of the Gospel considering grace through Christ was given long before we were violated by offenders in the first place!

So in the back of my mind for a while I have wondered about this in solitude…

Yet when I began studying this area with these ladies I was met with a breath of fresh air…Yes, I’ve got issues…but there’s a way to address them I hadn’t felt I had permission to use until last night.

And before I could condemn myself as I’d done so many times before that moment, He reminded me, “Woman where are your accusers?” They were nowhere to be found…because I chose to walk away…I chose to protect my heart and mind with my departure….and finally… I am perfectly at peace with my decision to  saturate their atmosphere with my absence.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Un-Arrest Your Development

I suppose I have resisted this place for some time now….but I cannot continue to run away from the inner most parts of myself a moment longer. So I thought to myself yesterday that yes, perhaps I should have my head examined after all….everyone seems to think they know me…I consider the shear ignorance of it all and I’m baffled and drained in an instant. I recall all too vividly the moment I decided my fascination with the recluse…yes, I’m speaking of the spider…once I wasn’t afraid of them…once I was so fascinated with these critters that I simply observed one meandering across my foot as a child. I had no fear…I distinctly recall thinking, wow, a violin shape on its back so I didn’t move…again, not from fear but wonder that it thought my brown skin just an extension of the dark carpet it sought to camouflage its movement…

Have I too found a means of camouflaging my movement by blending in with a society still so foreign to my thinking? With my being? And after this morning’s devotional, the face in the mirror staring at me had something else in common with what I now know is absolutely toxic when threatened…over the years I learned to do one of two things when bothered…hide or attack with a most treacherous bite…one that might merely sting initially, but later is evidence of the tragic encounter…it has been a while since I dared to inflict such pain on an innocent bystander…it seems instead my thoughts at times have taken a liking to my own flesh instead…I consider this sort of cannibalism not a bad thing because piece by piece my purpose requires the old me to methodically die…to bleed out and breathe her last…the she I once was is and has always been an unnecessary shell…so with silence and time I have been forced into a molting process…so as my purpose expands and my hunger grows more insatiable, the case that once housed me with fears and procrastination no longer fits this body…so I peel the layers as the decaying flesh with every step forward…still there is pain within this process….it has been an ugly transition so far…so much care must be administered…the wound must be covered but the wrong covering only leads to festering…so my heart longs for a covering that allows me to breathe…one who like me has endured the growing pains with resistance….a most horrible season of selfish discovery…so I found my eyes begging for the strength to allow my wounds to be uncovered…for my being to be unashamed…for my mind to be in agreement…with what my heart already knew…and the layer of resistance fades with every step…

Release is the necessary conclusion in wholeness…Still detoxification drains…purpose requires effort I had not always been willing to surrender…the face confronted in the mirror of God’s word wasn’t the same one reflected in my bathroom this morning…the latter “she” was a discontent soul…but she’s no longer allowed in my sphere of influence…

And my heart’s anthem shook me out of my stupor with a command,

“UN-ARREST YOUR DEVELOPMENT!” 

So I combed through the manual until my eyes met a familiar yet necessary venue: Father, please teach me how…

 

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Just Breathe

 

I hadn’t had to use an inhaler for years, but last night I couldn’t breathe…or so I thought. In retrospect, I understand that the last time I really took a breath was longer ago than I care to remember. I suppose I had gotten used to inhaling the toxicity of my yesterdays and so when I was introduced with the freshness of the air I’ve encountered lately, my lungs…no my heart…didn’t know exactly what to do with itself…with myself…with my new norm…

At 1 am I was awakened and it became clear that I should just breathe…that being served is not a crime and that I’d been groomed for this role for at least nine years…hmmm…nine equals harvest…Harvest equals hard work….Harvest equals Heart Work…God has had me in spiritual boot camp and all the while I assumed it was to strengthen me for battle, but the reality is that He was using the issues I’ve faced to weaken me for Worship. I realized the other night at the No Regrets Conference that my best and truest form before my Father and even before others is weakness…that I not only accept that which I cannot do in my own strength, but that I use the pain of my past to fuel my purpose in my present.  It is in my weakness that God shows Himself strong. It is in my weakness that real transparency heals the hearts of others. It is in my weakness that I am keenly aware that I alone am nothing without the breath of God…that all the gifts I possess would be fruitless if God had not been so gracious to stir the hearts of those on the receiving end of them.

So I’m learning to exhale the negative in exchange for the positive…to release the pain to receive the promise…I have finally let go of the loss to redeem the love…that I know now I need and deserve.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Just Be Fearless

A few weeks ago I stood in awe of how one prayer seemed to transform my being from an insecure shell of a woman into a confident tigress!  

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…A bit Dramatic I know, but I found myself making plans to go jet skiing next month and if God says the same I will!!!

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For years I had been afraid of heights, spiders, and things that goes bump in the night.  Yet, a few weeks ago, it occurred to me that I hadn’t always been afraid of them.

I couldn’t understand why I started being so fearful. I mean when I was a kid, I used to catch spiders and climb trees!  I had never been bitten by a poisonous spider…well when I was pregnant with Kayla I was bitten by something, but it was never identified.

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I still haven’t put my finger on it, but I do know now that it is not the way I was meant to live. I mean I just cracked out of my self-imposed shell of introversion recently so things really feel new to me.  

I guess I can understand why Jesus said for us to be child-like.  

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Children are fearless because they are naturally trusting. Children believe that the one who created them will never hurt intentionally hurt them. For whatever reason over time, I failed to recognize for too long the same is true of my Heavenly Father’s care for me. 

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Whatever the case, I’ve come to realize that I’m alive for a reason and I can’t  fully embrace  what I’m called to do if I’m too fearful to step out of my comfort zone. So I’ve decided to just be fearless! 

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Appreciate the Detour and Move Forward

It has taken some time, but I believe I’m finally getting the point. The last year and a half of my life has been an ever-winding path of detours and distractions. To my family and friends it may have appeared that I was a female version of Abraham…that I had insurmountable faith. Rather, now that I think about it, a closer assessment of my actions might have them thinking that I was just downright crazy for packing up and leaving my home in Little Rock because “God told me to do so.”  They thought I had no plan B.

I’m not that Holy. Perhaps, a little bit that crazy at times though. I have always been a risk taker. God knows His children well. I had a plan B. It wasn’t that I had so much faith in God that I knew He would take care of me. Deep down I knew He would provide, however, I assumed that He’d already done so by way of a fledgling relationship of sorts that cropped up from the internet. I remember a co-worker resorting to online dating and I remember my judgement.

That is crazy…stupid…dangerous…Isn’t it amazing how we judge others on the things that we do ourselves? I’ve since repented of course. I suppose one might say I did so before I decided to attempt that cyber connection, however, honestly I believe I still judged her and myself simultaneously. In fact, I know I did because there were things about that relationship that I wouldn’t tell my closest friend. She wouldn’t judge me but she definitely was the voice of reason I needed to heed.

Basically, I had tapped into a completely new level of stupid.

Now, I’m not judging anyone but myself here. I can say it now because I’ve learned from the experience.I have made a lot of mistakes. I left my job because I knew that indeed was God’s will. I knew I was supposed to move back to Memphis for at least a year prior to my doing so. I just wasn’t sure of the steps to take.

I’m not saying that God tricked me to get me here, but I will say that when it comes to fulfilling your purpose God has a way of getting you there by any means necessary. So my means included me being involved in a fictitious and financially abusive nightmare, but it taught me something new about myself and my God. Yes, the lesson was painful, but I wouldn’t trade the experience because I know that my story is more powerful because of what I have endured.

Many more women will be freed from this type of bondage because I went through it. As the saying goes, who cares how much you know-they want to know how much you care…How could I genuinely care if I hadn’t walked in the same shoes…through the same valley? So yep, I’ve been a nomad for nearly two years…technically homeless for a time…but I’m being restored because of this testimony. The word is true that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and by the word of our testimony.

Though my path to destiny hasn’t been an easy one, I know it was simply God’s way of teaching me another way to impact lives for His glory. I guess what I’m saying is I appreciate the detours and I’m ready to move forward.

It’s Already Done!!!

I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been since I’ve written about a lesson God showed me through my daughter, but I feel like this one deserves some attention.

“It’s already ready so why do you want to add more time to it?”

As usual a simple question was met with a powerful revelation!

She set the timer on the microwave to heat up some leftover cheese dip for breakfast-images (1)

Yes, I realize I didn’t have to share exactly what she was heating up, but for the sake of  those moms like me who occasionally feed their kids just about anything in the morning to get out the door, I left that in there for guiltless pleasure…

Anyway, she timed it for a minute and a half. However, as she got on her shoes she asked me to add another 30 seconds after the timer stopped.

My response was not just what I needed to say, but also what I needed to hear.images (12)

I stood in front of the microwave this morning pondering whether I should comply with my daughter’s request or just give her what she anticipated without considering her concerns. I opened the door, looked at the contents and said to her instead,

“I believe it’s already done.”

Still, she insisted the contents needed extra time so I finally did she requested.

This little scenario can be applied in so many ways! Yet, I’ll cover it all in one word:

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I could see what my daughter needed was ready for her to receive it when I opened the door, but she still insisted delaying the process because not only could she not see what I saw, but she also assumed that what she desired was not ready and she did not bother to check the progress. I can only imagine her reason for abandoning the option of receiving it later rather than right then was the same reason I had been delaying things in my life relationally. She too had been disappointed with prematurely trying to receive what wasn’t made ready for her.

Isaiah 43:19

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Perhaps at one point I really did need more time to process things, to ingest things, to receive things, or even to desire things, but since I’ve set my heart and mind to be in alignment with My Heavenly Father, I realize that more time to fulfill my destiny is no longer necessary.

Simply put…

It’s Already Done!!!

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©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

When Love Knocks…

My Disclaimer…just words I scrawled from my heart a few months ago…and I added a few lines just now…found it today and decided to share…it is what it is…feeling some kinda way…

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When love knocks…

How do you find the courage to answer?  My question seemed pretty simple…only it was met with another question…Have you given yourself permission to receive? I admit I hadn’t before. I’m even reluctant now.  Before, I opened myself and my heart to meet its near demise.

So I questioned whether my silence will make him leave my heart. Yet, I keep finding myself thinking of what his thoughts on this and that are…I’m moved by his brilliant mind.

The heart hopes, but the mind struggles to accept the constancy of this thing…whatever it is…

Had I ever truly loved before? I mean besides the “required” love a Christian woman should possess? How could any of those feelings have been true when I was so fragmented? I didn’t love myself.  I’m so tempted to flee…yet, God won’t allow me to escape…

Before, I had every way of retreat, but I chose to stay despite the warnings…despite God’s offer…I chose bondage over freedom…I chose ridicule over encouragement…I chose to be chosen by “any man.”

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Will regret be my reprieve?  No! My new heart won’t allow it! Surgery alone was the solution! My old one…too beaten…too bruised…misused and stomped…bitterness took love’s place so it had to go!

My heart wanted to smile almost two years ago when the words, “Your husband is a certain man because any man won’t do” met my ears. My countenance fell when I realized the difficulty I had brought on myself by trying to shove “any man” into this “certain man’s” slot. Still, I finally gave up, but was met with another counterfeit.

This one didn’t need any help from me to be fictitiously vile. I’ve considered before that maybe the reason Fairy Tales always end with the wedding is because they too end up in divorce court…

It’s expected I suppose…real love can’t develop overnight…so I considered my ability to receive love…to give love…

I have pondered this thing for months and I’ve taught myself to listen…

“Just Receive!” “Listen and Pay Attention!”

 

The voice in my new heart had compassion…and in an instant the dots were forming the picture this prophetic babe saw over eight years ago…constantly reminded of the “appointed time” has had me frazzled, yet eager…courage keeps me focused on the larger picture though my thoughts resemble a kaleidoscope on most days…

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How could he know too? How is it that my words and his are synchronized without speaking…words I’ve written in solitude…prayers I’ve even whispered to my Father…concerns met with each passing week…answered without the question leaving my heart or mind…connected somehow…inextricably bound even when I resisted the mesh…not one of flesh, but spirit….captivated and deflated with nearly our first encounter…now I review those feelings of confusion and inclusion…

God is no liar!

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How can I be sure if what I feel is right or even real? I’ve fooled myself so many times before. At a time when I’d abandoned my list before my desire to be adored made my sense not so common…

Naivety is no longer cute as an adult…yet both our childhoods had us duped for at least a time or two…believing the lies that we were not enough…believing the tricks that perfection be a must…to be accepted…to be loved…to avoid rejection…

A struggle is only present when you are caught in the middle of two opposing forces…my will and God’s…

I told God I refuse to elevate a man before Him as I’d done in the past, but my thoughts are laden anyway. I asked for the thoughts…interactions…the way I’ve stumbled onto pages of his life…to cease…and with my own daughter’s words, I was reminded of my heart’s remission…of forgotten intention…to love and be loved on this earth as I am in heaven…

“Why do you keep pushing it so far away from you if you want it?”

She thought she was talking about my purse on the floor board while I was driving on any given Sunday, but I knew better.

Thus, I was faced with more of the same thing…

Torn between the fear of the unknown…and the faith of God’s best…

But was he too consulting with the Father about this heart’s battle?

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Silence…so simple, yet so potent…so I listen…wondering if he too has found himself desiring obedience over the sacrifice of mediocrity…or will he like I had be wooed back by familiar faces, places, and circumstance…

Addicts only walk away from their suppliers when numbers and addresses change…so it has with me…so I’ve chosen to have more and refuse the less of what had been the constant offer on the table that was never meant for my presence…

Still I wonder will  he consider the detriment of “being accustomed to”…doing what many think he “ought” do…or will he choose his own path at last?  Will he consider his ways and make the necessary change or will he hold onto his cantankerous demeanor in favor of remaining needless?

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Solitude can be one’s prison if not careful so I’ve chosen to forgo my need for independence. I’ve removed my shackles of hesitance in favor of much lighter yoke…

Frustrated before, but now I joyfully relent to what will be to be…I fully surrender what was…the who I was never meant to be…

I choose to remember instead, the good intended…this heart now mended… in places I’d forgotten existed…in ways my mind once resisted…I relish his shyness…a humble prowess- I’ve grown to adore some how…

So interesting is my now…captured like a photograph are the encounters we’ve exchanged in my mind’s eye…so I find myself again tickled of the thoughts that remain…To think I like this guy!

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A moment in time we held a gaze-all of a sudden I was off my game…Could this heart stand one more strike? In the midst of what I assumed a mere transaction…a blundered encounter…Something happened…

I grew closer in a moment than I had attempted to build with others over years…

Is this what is meant by a soul mate…one whose DNA so embraces the elements of another that even blood is not closer? What so heavily knits our beings? Who is responsible for our seeing? Why hadn’t I understood this connection until now?

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Perhaps, before I’d been too unwilling to bow…my head and my heart to the will of the One who knows best…the One who designed hearts and wholeness in His hands…the One who designed the plan before the time of our sands began…

So awesomely specific is Our Father’s plan of love’s redemption…that even when we stray, His plan thwart’s temptation…Alignment draws to complete the perfect picture…where two wholes make one with Christ at the center…

So I deny the confusion suggesting my mind is just clouded with intentions of grandeur…

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For pure pose…purpose alone…again…I’d forgotten before…Distracted by the counterfeit…shut in isolation at love’s door.  Physical and emotional fatigue has a tendency to evoke a special blend of Destiny’s amnesia. Yet, wholeness through Christ’s love provided the needed anesthesia…a surgical procedure only an expert could render…such is Our Lord’s hand-so delicate and tender…piece by piece…He removed the shards and stones…and replaced the gaping holes with parts of His own…

And so I’ve been chastened by true love’s momentum…I’m learning to appreciate it’s timeliness…enticed by love’s wisdom. I no longer dream of seeing mere potential…For in love truth exists…

I admit my imagination is far too impressive to withstand the magnitude of this movement…Yet as the doses of love’s prescription linger my marriage to my certain man supposes a greater picture..not solely for physical pleasure or even mere companionship… but of fruitful intention is this bridge built…

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So when love knocks again, I’ll answer.

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©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Share the Road!

If only my imagination were boring! Then I’m sure I would be able to share the road to purpose with who God selected without question or hesitation.

I’ve said before that God gets my attention in ways others might miss, but sometimes…well, my right now is a time I wish He didn’t. I am feeling like a hybrid of Jonah, Gideon, and a tad bit of Peter if I’m honest. I know some of the things God told me to do and others He’s shown me. Yet, like the prophet Jonah I didn’t want to do them. I’ve requested sign after sign to be sure of His direction and He’s provided them.  Still lately,  I want to just pack up and go back to where I came from like Peter!

There’s only one problem with my little schizo-christian mash-up. I simply cannot escape myself…my destiny…my purpose…this place!

I thought I would be prepared for this day without a hiccup because I’d forgiven and I tried to forget feeling forgotten, but the moment I entered that room, I began to really have this love/hate wrestling match in my heart. I smiled anyway.GoodGrief

I wanted to cry, but not one of those sad, balling my eyes out sessions because of heartbreak that we ladies so heavily rely upon nowadays, but one of those back in the day, tired of being bullied cries that spring up just before you get the courage to open up a couple cans of whoop a$$ on the kid who’s been giving you a hard time all year! Yep, I was pi$$ed and the more I tried to hide it, the more I knew I needed to write…anything to keep my mind and heart at bay…

So write I did…Pray I did…Rant I did…to My Father the entire time I was supposed to have been attentive to the speaker.

I felt sick, but not love sick…sick…sick.

I don’t like it. I tried again to play ghost, but obedience compelled me to stay put so while I was captive I was forced to remember the requirement to listen and pay attention…

LISTEN AND PAY ATTENTION!!!

REALLY, GOD? 

I don’t want to hear this crap!

I don’t even want to be here! I should go back to Little Rock! I still have the chance! Why can’t I leave now? Yeah, I wanted to go fishing like good old Peter did after He witnessed the demise of Our Lord.  Funny thing is when Peter made his decision known all the other disciples said they would join him.

You can’t run from who you are!

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You see, when I asked God to open my eyes, He opened my heart as well.  I didn’t quite agree with His choice for a plethora of reasons, but something happened in a crux of time that allowed my heart to thaw…

So I penned these words in service today, ” I can feel my heart closing and it hurts,” I hated that I’d ever said anything…felt anything…desired anything in this place. I considered the ratio of my wrongness before…lately, I’ve been way off…I considered the dreams and the clarity…

I wish I’d never considered the possibilities…but even as I wrote, I heard. His bits and my pieces made sense, but I didn’t want them to anymore. I wanted to be wrong this time too so that I could save face and quietly disappear. I considered the ministry and that I would keep in touch with those I’d grown to love in the community via social media…and then God blessed me again in this place…

He showed me I hadn’t just fallen for him, but also for this place.  Oh how our purposes are inextricably intertwined…I hate that we have more in common than I thought…so I wrestled.images5

I bled…I thought and rethought and my head ached so I’ve found myself in bed earlier than usual…

Yet,  now I wake without an alarm clock before dawn to the realization that no I don’t have permission to take another detour…that the road has been cleared of construction debris and that things are on schedule, but just not my schedule…I considered three or four years a decent time frame…I considered that God showed me certain relationships had to end…I considered that I thought I had already worked those issues out in my mind before I even fully accepted that God had directed me there for this reason and beyond. Years ago I remember the comfort of wanting to do this all on my own…ministry…family…just do me…I was cool with that…I was used to that…I was still bitter…my reasons were selfish…I didn’t want to be bothered with vulnerability and the possibility of drama if I’d chosen wrong yet again…so I said to myself, “When I get divorced, I will not date.”

Share the Road…seems simple enough of an instruction, but …6241654657-laneclosed

Today, I don’t want to anymore…days ago, I remember recording that I am ready…I remember God’s whisper that I am ready on the road back from Louisiana…that I must get up and move forward, but the “what if’s” had me paralyzed…slowly sinking in quicksand my doubt had created, I thought it best a slow, silent demise…yet, God preferred a loud, quick death to self instead…the last thing to go was my pride…I even recall thinking…who I desire…I want them to love me without makeup…and in a moment, I was stripped of my make-up…my things…those possessions just days before I’d considered a waste to pack them anyway. I was told to start from scratch months ago…I desired to chunk everything then…I could say I should have, but that would be a regret wouldn’t it? I realize why I desired such…I knew change was coming…not the way I hoped…not in 30 degree weather, but still a necessary conclusion to a chapter long closed in my life…

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I could have called anyone else that day, but not him…anyone else is fine to see me squirm and writhe to no avail, but not him…not his judgement…not his disappointment…and then I didn’t care anymore. It seemed my phone didn’t even work until after I attempted to reach him. Irony had no place here…I already knew that would be the case, but I still waited almost an hour…I even expected no response, but here I go with that obedience thing again…

I never wanted to get to a place where I could care less about this place or him…but this morning I considered I was there anyway…but maybe not because if I really “could” care less about either wouldn’t I have not shown up today? Yes…but even my leaving that place didn’t matter…every turn…there was a constant reminder…another smiling face…a returned hug from those I’d prayed for and with…spoken to and encouraged…I couldn’t escape if I tried…and I did. In my heart, perhaps I’m still trying…so I ask God to allow me to leave…I’ve tried to not volunteer in my mind and in my heart I hear God’s voice saying to stay in position…even to lose control in this area while you compose yourself in others…a reminder I didn’t want to receive like I did…where I did…when…Destiny and Doubt Don’t Mix…and so I turned the pages of my journal in the reverse to find where I’d written on January 12, 2015, “The “what if’s will take you down.” I sought to circle it because upon mention of a similar statement by the speaker, I wanted to share it with a friend nearby…but when I shared it…I read to her the words below what I circled because what I deemed an error initially was a message God planned for me to consider now…I circled the words, Don’t worry about it-I’ll dress you.”

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I didn’t really get the gist of those words until this moment…I still wrestle with this love/hate thing brewing in my heart…no my battle is not with a person or place, but I hate that I feel the way I do for him, but love it also…hate the way I feel out of control, but love that God is still keeping me…I love the way God is patient with my doubts, but hate that they even exist…conflicted in ways I never imagined, but solid in my belief that God loves me. So in time I am sure that God will give me the grace to do as He’s requested…as I move forward in the ways I’ve been directed to do so alone that I’ll scoot over a bit and perhaps let up on the gas to share this road with whom He’s chosen…

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