Dear 2017,

Our relationship is over. Our parting is bittersweet but necessary. You have taught me so much about myself! I’ve been emotional, but I toyed with the notion of becoming numb again because “feeling” for my own sake hadn’t been my usual if that makes sense. Whether it does or not, know that in the last few months I’ve grown more comfortable with the idea of “feeling” for my sake. I like making decisions without worrying whether it is “okay” with everyone else first.  I’ve gotten real acquainted with the freedom of saying, “No!” So I guess that’s definitely something to thank you for 2017!

You offered a few situations that almost convinced me to close the door to my heart but God’s love kept me thawed!  I am surer than ever of who I need to partner with for my destiny to be fulfilled. Better than that, I’ve learned who I deserve and my worth. I’ve become keenly aware of the times and ways I’ve settled for less and I’m just not doing that anymore.

A Year of Mended Souls

I’m mended! A chance meeting with a few ladies turned into a life long relationship of healing and wholeness. I shared things I’d never shared with another and felt safe there. This was the beginning of a “breaking.” The breaking was required and I am so thankful for those tears and cheers. That breaking helped me make room in my heart for a few other ladies that I consider very near and dear to my life. I thank God for His freeing grace to allow me to breathe in true friendship and to understand how to be a real friend. I’ve learned that true friendships require vulnerability. I’m more confident in God’s choices for me.

Needs Turned Into Desires

I was able to reconsider my preferences for my future husband. Certain character traits I thought I couldn’t live with have grown on me I suppose and others I thought I couldn’t live without don’t matter as much. I need and desire complete honesty with whomever God has chosen and before it seemed I lost sight of that. I settled. No more. I’ve grown.

My ability to hear God’s voice heightened because of you 2017! Though I still struggled with silencing the voice of my “inner me” at times, I finally see myself the way God sees me. I have my moments. They’ve become fewer and fewer. I’ve been intentional with my comings and goings and those whom I allow in my circle. My circle’s gotten ironically snug with fewer people. I’m so cool with that. I’m more comfortable in my skin…just being with people who get me…even with those who don’t, but don’t judge me for just being.

 

Pride and Patience...

The saga continues…however, I’m finally allowing myself to receive more of God’s grace for slip-ups and go offs…Hey, I still have moments.

I Can See Clearly Now!

Yes, it’s cliche but also a fact….found out the reason I felt like I was going blind at night was that my vision had indeed changed. I have astigmatism and I needed to get some special contacts to see clearly…I realize that’s been true even in my physical and emotional contacts. I’ve grown quite attached to a few people I now consider an extended family. You’d think I’d known these ladies all my life, but God knew I needed new contacts to replace those who clouded my vision the year before. I’m grateful for God’s grace to reunite me with my sisters across the bridge too. God has again proven His faithfulness in providing who I need when I need them.

A Year of Packing and Unpacking

It seems I’ve been a nomad for years, but 2017, you really had me in a tug-o-war with whether the place God planted me nearly three years ago was meant for me. I can laugh now at the notion to “break camp,” but yeah I wanted to uproot myself again and head elsewhere because vulnerability hadn’t been my strong suit though I tried. Did I mention patience wasn’t either? Oh yeah…still a work in PROCESS! Still, I’m glad I stuck around so far. It’s given me time to consider “ME”….something I hadn’t done for far too long…I’m glad for the connections and disconnections you brought.

I can now see a counterfeit coming a mile away. Most keep their distance and I’m grateful for My Father making me BS repellent. LOL…I’m extra…I couldn’t resist.

Still, I thought I’d put away many of my insecurities before, but 2017 you showed me that I’d only packed them up. I hadn’t moved them out of my mind, heart, and life yet. So just as I gave away things I’d accumulated from others last week, I did the same to homeless emotions and disappointments. I had no more room for lies like these:

You’re not pretty enough!

You’re too old to start over!

You’re not his type!

It will just be another marriage of convenience!

He could never love you for who you are!

You bore everyone to tears when you speak!

Who would ever read your books!

You never finish anything you start!

You’re just like your mother!

You are a horrible mother!

You’re a liar!

You’re selfish!

You look like a cheetah without make-up, who’d want you?

You’ll always be broke!

Take the hint, his actions show that God lied to you about him!

You are not meant for marriage!

I didn’t just pack them and move them to a different spot in my head or heart this time. I signed, sealed, and delivered it right back to where it belonged: The pit of Hell marked: 

RETURN TO SENDER!!!

NO FORWARDING ADDRESS

Those lies are no longer my property. I don’t want them and they were never mine to own. I just allowed those things to fill the gaps where God’s Word and Presence were meant to give me peace before. Now I have that peace and that rest. Still, I almost allowed this year to past without embracing it fully. I regret nothing.  I realize I cannot go into anything new without being able to handle it with care…I must pay attention to the details and I must see what God has shown…I can no longer see and deny what I’ve seen because of insecurities and doubts. They have no place in my new year…

Spills, Dropped Keys, and Closed Doors!

The last few days, 2017 you reminded me to “take my time” over and over again.  Yet, it seemed I could not walk two steps without spilling something, dropping something, or allowing something to overflow as I poured. I was rushing for no reason…allowing things to fall out of my hands…Who knew that was all God was trying to get me to do all along…let go…allow things to fall where they would…to take my time…to leave the rest to Him…

I’m loving the thought of being able to drop everything and rest in God’s Presence before I can start over.  I learned even the hard moments I’ve had with my son and daughter in 2017 were worth the smiles we’ve shared when I forgive and move on…this is unconditional…it’s getting easier for me to love blindly…I’m okay with being reckless with my love and I am more aware that what I have to offer is worthy of God’s best. I’m confident I will receive nothing less than that now.

In fact, I was able to close the door on one romantic relationship I thought I’d already been over a long time ago. I wasn’t healed until the moment I was confronted with the need to kill it two months ago. I would not have been ready to face that door a moment sooner than it came. God knew when I was ready to lock it forever. I mastered my first grown-up Goodbye! No tears…No harsh words…just peace and distance.

Not Unfinished…Just a New Direction

With that, this is a long letter, but an even longer-awaited farewell, 2017. So to all the un-kept promises, unmet goals, unsaid words, and unplanned agendas, unrequited love, and unpublished works,  I won’t say I’ll see you later because I won’t. I’m choosing to start from scratch, take my time, and allow God’s Peace and Presence continue to fill in the gaps to my process. I guess this means I’m leaving you and everything attached to you in last year!

©2018 Nadia Davis. All Right Reserved.

Almost  four months ago I posted this message:

Who This Lady Wants!

I mentioned I started the post about two months prior then, but hey I was wrong. The other day I came across almost the same words in an old journal…so I suppose my heart has been pondering not just my desires, but my needs for a long, long while….thought I’d share:

 

Someone who is sincerely appreciative of my presence…Someone not led by others’ preferences…Someone sure of himself enough to express his honest views…Someone who is not afraid to admit his own issues…Someone who doesn’t mind my innate extroversion…Someone who recognizes I complement his quiet disposition…Someone who is able to give freely without remorse…Someone willing to allow love to take its course…Someone who isn’t led by the things and places money can acquire…Someone wise enough to know all things must expire…Someone whose heart is knit to Our Father…Someone who takes seriously his role of loving God’s daughter…Someone who listens without judgement to things I’ve experienced along the way…Someone who seeks to understand my heart and assures me he’ll stay…

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I’ve always been one to find errors immediately. On signs…in books…on television…in speech…I’ve had a knack for correcting things since I was seven…always considering other, better, and more efficient ways of doing most things I’ve observed. In fact, I have to purposely make myself not read my posts at times because I can’t help making the corrections (I know there are errors- for now😇)…so if you have eagle eye for errors…you’ll notice some…at least for the last year I’ve been intentional that way…I use ellipses often so I’m not bound to the tight writing in most things I prefer to read…I attempt to use slang…it started because of a meeting of minds I experienced not long ago…I was told to stop editing myself...I’ve tried…for months I failed…I hadn’t fully surrendered then…

That post is right herehttps://1betternotbitter.com/2015/04/19/quit-editing-yourself/

Fast forward to my now…I realize what I used to call a curse a blessing…that my keen attention to detail…about something being slightly off center…or the use of words like “lie” instead of “lay” when a reference is made to an object an obvious error to me a plus…how even when I was a child I boldly corrected my teacher for telling us there had been only seven types of dinosaurs…I was seven…she should have known better and since she didn’t act like it, I raised my hand and told her so. I was respectful still…unconvinced she got my drift when she insisted I was wrong in front of the class, I brought to school the encyclopedia I’d become fascinated with by age four to show her how wrong she had been indeed…expecting an apology Mrs. Turner just refused to like anything else about me that year…I suppose then as I do now…I expect honesty…to me her excuse that she lied to us was because our grade level would not have been able to understand that much didn’t make sense… I did…so I suppose that’s when the lie that I shouldn’t be so smart was planted…shortly thereafter I was told to be shy…called shy, but God made me to be bold…

I understand now how much of a disservice I’ve done myself and those I’ve met over the years because I chose to dumb myself down for fear of rejection

More about that one is here: https://1betternotbitter.com/2016/09/01/it-was-never-rejection/

I’m not speaking from a place of regret, but of awareness. I understand that a well-rounded education requires pits in the process so I’m grateful for the transition now that I’m seeing it from the other side…

Necessary Evils they are...those lies planted by the enemy in the guise of well-meaning elders or not so well-meaning bullies…those who might have called you fat or ugly because of the beauty others saw in you or that you once saw in yourself was too much for them to compete with so they chose to beat you up because they wouldn’t dare fathom the insurmountable task of perhaps asking instead, “where do you get that joy? How can I be like you?” I know all too well that bullying doesn’t stop with high school or even college…that if you believe the lie that you’re weird, stupid, not good enough…it doesn’t take long for one to find you.

Bet you didn’t consider yourself your own bully, huh? Yep, too often do we become our own biggest critic because someone in our lives posted something…said something or perhaps didn’t say something we thought they should have…regardless of how the seed was planted…we still have a choice…

All are the result of choices…my wholeness is one choice I had to make myself…no input of naysayers or any others…I had to decide to be me…to love me…to receive all God designated for me…to embrace everything right with me...I wouldn’t say I’m a genius, but I truly believe God’s blessed me with the ability to do anything well…He gifted me with the ability to see the errors because He knew I’d be instrumental in changing the scope of His world…attention to the details of the forgotten ones has always been my draw…I was the one to befriend the new kid…to still speak kindly to the one everyone talked about…I was the one wondering the why behind their condition…

I can laugh now because even then God had been forming my heart of compassion for the broken, for the un-churched, for those in church, but feeling shunned…even those so weakened by church hurt they refuse to go back…I used to think I was too sensitive…that I shouldn’t care so much…

I’m so glad I’ve shattered that depiction of me…that I realize my love for others is a gift from God…and how the pain of who I was pretending to be was what was really hurting me all along. Being who you are is the only way you will ever be truly whole.

I understand while people may murmur about the things I do for others when at times I have nothing to spare but time is just part of who I am.

So when I consider all the things that I observe other ladies and gents doing to adapt to “societal”norms, I have to wonder whether the only change necessary is one’s perspective of said society. Rather, perhaps what needs to be adapted is the minds of those individuals…then they will see themselves as God sees them…No, not as those who “say” they represent Christ sees them, but they will know they’re seen with mercy and compassion…seen as His beloved.

That said, focusing on what’s wrong is overrated…from now on do yourself a favor and embrace what’s right with you!

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

This I Know

Posted: August 20, 2017 in Encouragement

Over the years, God has allowed me to be humbled by stupid decisions. Some of which I’ve observed in others, but most of them have been from my own shenanigans.

That said, I find myself second guessing too much lately. That’s not a good thing folks. I know God’s blessed me with discernment, but memories of past mistakes can wreak havoc on an otherwise sound decision if I allow it.

So how exactly does one overcome the knowledge of oneself?

….Or I guess a better assessment might be to say, “How do I forget what’s behind and push forward to the mark of my higher calling!”

I’ll tell you…by knowing the character of God…

You might have noticed some days my words seem a bit more random than others, but I admit even those aren’t. Intentionality is God’s fingerprint. In the last few weeks, God has proven Himself over and over. It’s been a while since I’ve been real with Him in prayer…You know actually admitting my confusion and frustration…actually crying out to Him for direction and being willing to get somewhere and SAT down…to wait for a response…AND YES I MEANT TO SAY “SAT.”

Moving on…

Regardless, God is faithful and though some of my desires have not manifested yet, I have to consider this thing as it is and not as it will be: temporary…a test…a challenge…a laughing matter directing me to my future.

I mean some of the things I have endured…especially in the romance arena have been downright hilarious! Still, I am in awe at the ways God has taught me lessons I feel like I should have known a LONG…LONG time ago.

So I say I’ll wait for a response…for an acknowledgement…to be adored…to be desired…because God patient enough to wait for me…I’m sure my wait will be worth it…

If I know so little else…This I know.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

This Open Book

Posted: August 20, 2017 in Encouragement

I’ve said for a while I’m an open book. This morning I’ve contemplated that premise and confirmed in my heart that there are still pages within soldered with tears. Those leaves are reserved for the few willing and able to be patient enough to carefully separate the two or three or thousand that to the naked eye appear in tact.

So while there’s no lock on this book and the experiences therein, there are still sections melded in a quiet pain only a delicate touch, a passionate heart, and an understanding mind can receive access. So this book struggles to complete chapters destined to be re-written in the thoughts and behaviors of the vessel meant to house them.

Friendships are hard.

Love is harder.

Vulnerability is menacing in none but a required way.

So I’m forced to consider whether I am willing to bring to his attention those pages I have yet to uncover. I stand still, frozen in ice too thick for vision to penetrate. I still long to share, but… Just but. The opportunity rises and falls with attitudes and emotions, but the longing refuses to cease her whisper. Destiny denies the ability to retract her request.

Wisdom speaks…breaking the white noise of monotony…

I stand still. I crouch. I hide.

Temptation lurks, but fails to convince her to close the book this time…

Her desire to know him and to be known by him is stronger.

Clarity…as my innermost inklings are revealed…

so I must submit to the process…

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Just a thought…

Ladies, perhaps you feel good men are hard to find because you’ve misunderstood a few things about God’s design. Men were never designed to be found. The bible says, “when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

I know you’ve heard that before, but peep this. It is a male’s responsability to become a man…that man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Paul said it best when he acknowledged his transition to manhood as marked  by his choice to put childish things away. Note the decision to become mature here.”To put” is intentional. It is not random.  It is a natural progression that requires a special type of humility to be a suitable covering for a wife. A man must understand that when he finds you that you are a gift from God to be cherished. This humility isn’t manufactured by your mere presence either, ladies. Rather, this humility is one fostered by a real relationship with God long before he senses the longing to share himself and his purpose with another.

Let’s take Adam. Adam was active in his purpose and openly naked in his relationship with God. God is the one who said, it is not good for man to be alone.. not Adam.  That means Adam was content because he was unaware that something was missing…and that’s because nothing was missing.  He was complete.  He was whole.  He was mature. He was ready. And when He was ready, God closed his eyes and gave him rest…a deep sleep, the bible says…God removed a rib and formed Eve…Eve was presented to Adam after he was awakened…hmmm yes and no…notice the sequence. God first closed the place of his flesh. God understood a helper suitable would not be a perfect complement if Adam’s flesh had been open.

A lot has changed since that first union….

So what exactly is your role in this process, you might ask…well, it’s not just to wait idly by for a male to mature into manhood…it’s not to put your life on hold idolizing marriage and the idea of being in love or having a soulmate either. Your job ladies is to be…the helpmate…to the Kingdom of God… yes, to allow God to form you into His good thing first…to teach you a level of grace necessary to receive the heart, hand, and yes habits of the one God’s chosen as your earthly covering. It is a process…sometimes it takes a lot longer than you expect, but it is never too late.

Remember, God’s not obligated to your calendar, watch, or your biological clock.

But Why So Long Lawd?

He is jealous for you! You see God’s jealousy is the only type considered good because His motive for having it is pure love…meaning because He knows the hearts of men…that only He is able to love you and take care of you properly so just any man isn’t good enough for you. That is why it is for your benefit to wait and not rush the process.

Take it from someone who got it wrong twice! God will only allow you to be found by one who’s character most closely resembles His. Likewise, His love for the godly man He’s got in mind for you is just as potent so God’s not willing to present him with anything less than a good thing either.

Your job is to allow God to show you your true self. Be prepared to see the good, bad, and ugly. No, I’m not talking about just physically but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Yet, when God is readying you to be found, your perception of the role of a wife changes. You might notice that all of a sudden you feel a longing to be joined with another for a reason greater than your once selfish desires. Instead now you want a partner to share your purpose for the Kingdom together. All of a sudden you have a sense of compassion for others that you might not have had before. That compassion is bred from learning to appropriately receive the love of Christ in our hearts no matter what our past patterns were.

Ladies, we are not built to just incubate children. We have the ability to nurture everything we receive. When God is forming you as He did Eve, your mindset shifts to think of whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable and not of gossip, slander, lies, and malice.  When we are being formed by God for our spouse, be glad that God takes his time!  Depending on all you have been through by not doing things God’s way, it will take longer for God to heal the areas necessary so you can be ready to receive the certain man he has for you.  If you have had low self-esteem, God wants you to spend time with him so He can reveal to you how truly beautiful and brilliant he made you to be. In a very real way, God gives you new eyes to see yourself and others as He does. As you seek God’s presence, your patience in your process will be strengthened.

You’re able to say and mean, “God, since you are my husband now, make me the wife suitable to bring Your purpose in me to fruition.” It takes a lot of faith to say and believe that declaration, but it takes more to worship Christ in spite of what might look like a relational dead end. Take Mary, the sister of Lazarus. Perhaps we can learn another thing or two from Mary though. Keep in mind while she uttered the same words her sister Martha had only moments before her posture was different. She was sad things didn’t appear to workout as planned but she also did what always did  in Christ’s presence She worshiped at His feet.  And yes Jesus wept.  And I don’t believe it was just because of the passing of His friend or  because of the lack of faith both Martha, Mary, and the others exemplified when He arrived that made him shed tears. I believe Jesus wept out of pure love. He pure joy over the unexpected ending of pain. Jesus’ tears expressed His compassion on behalf of her and the others who were to bear witness to the miracle He intended just for them despite the presence of those who believed it was impossible.  Moreover, I believe he also wept in response to her willingness to surrender her a desire she thought she could not live without to a posture of reliance on His presence for her comfort.

Trust me loves! I understand the single hood struggle is real for those who desire marriage. Yet, God  wants you to rely on him to be your protector, your provider, and even your best friend in the mean time because otherwise you have a skewed perspective of who may be a suitable match and God wants you to have the best. Sometimes our wait is longer than even God desires of us because we have refused to come clean. We are too independent and self-assured to admit that we hurt to God as if He does not already feel the pain you do. In the test, Mary and Martha had a reason to worry. They were unmarried and the death of Lazarus meant they had no one to provide for them. And before you pop off, understand the times of the day. It was a patriarchal society so Lazarus death was big deal. They were the equivalent of widows in biblical times. Yet Mary worshiped anyway. I truly believe that her relationship with Christ is what accelerated her process of deliverance in this matter. She cried, but realized she still mattered to God regardless. Her honesty with Jesus made room for the manifestation of the miracle she desired. She said just as Martha had, “If you had been here, our brother would not have died.” So she clearly understood that Christ had the ability to restore him from the sickness that threatened to kill him. He had faith that it would be okay because she and Christ were close. Even still, we must take note that Jesus already knew what He would do before He decided to make a pit stop.

If you simply must be real with God so He can unwrap your covering on earth as it is in Heaven. You see Mary and Martha had reason to worry. They were unmarried and the death of their brother meant they has no covering.

Perhaps, the reason things appear to be taking so long is because you have convinced yourself that the time to resurrect what is left of your heart is long over due. Maybe you have decided like Martha to be bitter. Or maybe you’re a bystander who doesn’t have a clue of who Jesus is and what He’s capable of doing.  Or just maybe it’s not you at all. Perhaps, there are still tendencies in the one God gave permission to find you that must be irrevocably dead by all fleshly accounts before God ressurects him, unties hid hands, arms, and feet, and opens his eyes. At any rate my suggestion ladies is that you take your cue from Mary and worship in your meantime knowing that had a sinhle thing happened in your life a moment sooner maybe you wouldn’t fully appreciate what Christ wants you to understand about why He waited.  In retrospect I am grateful He waited to bless me with the man I desired as my husband because I know He waited because He loves me.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Funny it’s probably been two months since I wrote most of this, but today God’s given me permission to post it.

I was tickled last week when my pastor mentioned an upcoming relationship series entitled “what a woman wants/what a man needs.” I thought, SPOILER ALERT!  It won’t be the first time my posts and private devotion have matched the sermon message so I’m on the right track or at the very least great minds think alike.  Anyway, I suppose some insecurities had to die in me first so here goes.

So the question was posted on social media recently:

The question of the Day:

What are single women of God looking for in a husband?  Yes I know a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, but women, what type man are you praying finds you? Define some characteristics of a good Godly man.  Let the conversation begin. I’d love to hear your opinions.

And so began my synopsis…

In all seriousness…it got me to thinking about who I really want as a husband…so I penned…

A while back when I was asked this question, I answered, “I want a man who loves God more than he could ever love me,” but over the years God showed me that while on the surface my request seemed humble and even sincere, it was a shell of what my heart truly desired.

So God had to get with me…to show me I wasn’t being real…that my request was made out of an extreme place.

Since my ex-husband and I were spiritually unequally yoked  I figured I was taking the best approach with my request, but then I began working at a marriage ministry. Who knew you could be unequally yoked with another Christian? While there I found myself witnessing countless malnourished ministerial marriages. Husbands had forgotten God said for them to love their wives. I mean Christ already died for the church, yet first ladies had become permanent figures on a pedestal instead of the relational and fun-loving women God designed them to be. There was no balance!

Yet, the reality I loathed was closer to home than I cared to admit even before I married my now ex-husband. I hated the dead air between the union of my former in-laws. How I despise fakeness! A married couple should never sleep in separate bedrooms.  I still remember leaning on the hallway wall in shock over this man-made marital mess! But somewhere down the line, codependent tendencies lured me into the mindset so many reading this feel, “well at least we’re still together!”

Seriously? For real? This thinking goes well beyond just wanting to be happy! At its core, it’s a surrendering of one’s willingness to be Healthy…so for a long while, I decided I did it wrong twice so why bother getting to know another disappointment?

Wow…pretty negative, huh? Exactly! Absolutely! Bitterness is what led that thought and what caged my heart from even God’s delicate touch for so long.

Yes, I even kept God at arm’s length because I refused to admit that yes, I desired the type of marriage God intended.

Sure, I haven’t been bitter with men for a long while, but until now I hadn’t had the courage to admit what this girl wants…yes who I want in a husband!

I want to marry my best friend. I want to have things in common with him only he and I know about one another. I want to be able to go out dressed to the nines or dressed down and never feel like I can’t be myself with him. I want to be spoiled with affection. Quality time has always been my preference above quantity.  Let’s face it sometimes I don’t want to be bothered either. I want a man who will appreciate my assets and minister to me in the areas where I perceive I lack. I want him to understand that though I’m tough, my truest form is delicate. I want him to take the time to listen. I don’t expect him to understand. I know our brains are wired differently, but I want him to make the effort. I want him to do spontaneous and romantic little things just because he cherishes my presence. I want him to love my children as his own. When I walk into a room full of people, I want him to look at me like I’m the only one in the room. I want him to be vulnerable enough to not just cry in front of me, but for his heart to feel so safe joined with mine that he is comfortable to even allow those tears to flow in my lap if need be.  I want a husband who not only knows me but who knows that the only way he truly does so is with Our Heavenly Father’s permission-that access to my heart is only granted because of his own growing relationship with Christ. He must be willing to grow with me spiritually, emotionally, and exponentially. I want my husband to be humble enough to pray, wait, and listen to God’s response in how he can love me best…in every way…to pray for me to receive all he has to offer…to pray with me daily…to never be ashamed of my testimony or threatened by my gifts or accomplishments. I want to admire my husband’s brilliant mind, but laugh myself silly with him just because. I want someone who protects me and who trusts his judgment of me if his family disagrees with his choice to marry me. I want my husband to understand the importance of family time as a priority.  I want him to understand that our time together alone is a priority even above the children. I really suppressed myself in my former marriage and I don’t ever want to feel as if I need to resort to that again. I want to my suitable complement.  I want someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me in love or be challenged by me in the same way. I want someone who’s been through something, but not still broken from past failures. I want someone who is vulnerable enough to admit they have fallen before, yet humble enough to understand God is who helped him get back up. I don’t want someone afraid to be themselves because I can smell a counterfeit. I always have.  I was just too broken before so I settled. I don’t want a man who is money hungry.  I can’t stand arrogance. I like nice things and I appreciate a man who works to get those things, but those things shouldn’t have him because those things don’t move me.

Man, take me for ice cream to laugh and listen…I’m good. The little things matter.

God’s let me know my future husband desires children of his own. I desire more children as well so that’s no problem. However, I don’t want to go it alone. I want him to be there for the doctor’s appointments and the delivery.  I want him with me when picking the furniture for the nursery. I want him to want to be there and not to just feel obligated. I want to know he means what he says. He must be honest. Even brutal honesty is better than a lie. I’ve said before I don’t want to date any man but my husband so my desire is to be courted. Old school for real…ask your Father permission…treats me like the lady I am all the time…kind of courtship…

Yeah…that is a lot, but I know God has him reserved for me because He wouldn’t have allowed me to finally express who this lady wants otherwise. I know God is able and since He gave me permission to request it, I know He’ll connect me in time with who He’s chosen to be by my side as my husband. Until then, I’m loving doing me because while God’s permitted me to desire what I want in my husband, I’ve finally submitted to His teaching on becoming the wife that he needs as well.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

A wound superficially covered will cause infection, but bleeding and allowing the wound exposure is often the best way to heal it. At least it is for me…

  • True Forgiveness Requires Grief!
  • It Requires Stages.
  • It Requires that one face the pain of what happened and why it happened.
  • It Requires Identifying who is responsible.

All the answers may never be gathered, but to slap a “Forgive and Forget It” Band-Aid on a Gaping Wound is senseless and now I realize is simply unbiblical! The Process Requires the need to not just breathe in God’s redemptive air, but to also bleed…

The Stages of Grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

So now I realize why I had pangs of guilt after thinking of the pain I’ve endured at the hands of others were unwarranted. I responded out of order. Rather, I reacted.

A response is one made with thoughtful intention, but my reaction was bred in a tainted petri dish…one where I was led to believe forgiveness is an all or nothing process…

Hmph…to say anything is an ALL or NOTHING PROCESS is oxymoronic in itself…Every process requires LAYERS….

I’ve been forced to consider things differently now and I am glad I’ve obliged.

There is a delicate and perpetual PROCESS to forgiving.  It is not merely “letting it go” as the Greek word for forgive, “aphesis” has so often been misapplied. Now the term does mean “let go,” but there are other meanings so don’t get me wrong here. I am still a word nerd.

“Release” is the definition that resonated with me the most. And since yesterday I realize the meaning is more than “releasing the offender from accountability.”  Rather, for me this release is solely for me…for my peace of mind… I release him, I release her, I release them for me!

I release myself to fully go through the process of grieving the loss of my ability to trust, to set proper boundaries, to receive unconditional love, to be myself without shame or condemnation…

I release myself to be angry with the circumstances and the fact that sometimes it seems that those who do wrong get away with it…

I release the thought that denial of what happened will make everything better…

I release the depression I didn’t know I was in for far too many years because I chose to bury what was still very much alive…

I release the need to bargain with God or myself as to whether I feel comfortable having this person or that person in my life again.  I don’t.

I release myself to the freedom of accepting that forgiveness is not one size fits all…that the process is perpetual…that I am not condemned for having a moment. I have had many moments and I will likely have many more. Regardless, for me, just forgiving and forgetting is not an option anymore.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Last night I had the privilege of spending time with a wonderful group of ladies who I have grown to love and trust. While not divulging the details of our gathering, one thing I just must share.

When dealing with difficult people sometimes the best thing you can do is “Saturate their atmosphere with YOUR absence!”

God has been helping me dissect the reasons I still get angry at the mention of certain people’s names or why I get nauseated at the mere presence of others. It is not out right unforgivenness. I just hadn’t allowed myself to go through the process of “forgiving.”

I’ve wondered for years whether something was wrong with me…whether I would ever really get this forgiveness thing down when at times it seems I’m good and others I’m not. I’ve written about it so much…those few posts alone would be great ammunition for a weapon of mass deliverance I’m sure. Yet, I believe I secretly condemned myself for paying too much attention to forgiving and forgetting instead of appreciating my PROGRESS…On the way to meet with these lovely souls, I recounted the many times I’d heard biblical teachings on forgiveness like,

“Unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve included that quote in prior posts, but what do you do when the offender is the one forcing the toxic syringe into your arm? What is the remedy for desiring to please God by offering an offender grace only to not quite be there yet?

So I considered more closely my feelings about those who had done me wrong….and last night God whispered to me,

“but how does that make you feel?”

“I don’t want to ever be reconciled with the offender!

You see many in the church have hammered into the skull of every would-be Christian that YOU MUST FORGIVE OR GOD WON’T FORGIVE YOU!!!

While the word of God is true, blatantly saying this alone implies forgiveness is a one-size fits all prerequisite to receive God’s grace.  That kind of flies in the face of the Gospel considering grace through Christ was given long before we were violated by offenders in the first place!

So in the back of my mind for a while I have wondered about this in solitude…

Yet when I began studying this area with these ladies I was met with a breath of fresh air…Yes, I’ve got issues…but there’s a way to address them I hadn’t felt I had permission to use until last night.

And before I could condemn myself as I’d done so many times before that moment, He reminded me, “Woman where are your accusers?” They were nowhere to be found…because I chose to walk away…I chose to protect my heart and mind with my departure….and finally… I am perfectly at peace with my decision to  saturate their atmosphere with my absence.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

I suppose I have resisted this place for some time now….but I cannot continue to run away from the inner most parts of myself a moment longer. So I thought to myself yesterday that yes, perhaps I should have my head examined after all….everyone seems to think they know me…I consider the shear ignorance of it all and I’m baffled and drained in an instant. I recall all too vividly the moment I decided my fascination with the recluse…yes, I’m speaking of the spider…once I wasn’t afraid of them…once I was so fascinated with these critters that I simply observed one meandering across my foot as a child. I had no fear…I distinctly recall thinking, wow, a violin shape on its back so I didn’t move…again, not from fear but wonder that it thought my brown skin just an extension of the dark carpet it sought to camouflage its movement…

Have I too found a means of camouflaging my movement by blending in with a society still so foreign to my thinking? With my being? And after this morning’s devotional, the face in the mirror staring at me had something else in common with what I now know is absolutely toxic when threatened…over the years I learned to do one of two things when bothered…hide or attack with a most treacherous bite…one that might merely sting initially, but later is evidence of the tragic encounter…it has been a while since I dared to inflict such pain on an innocent bystander…it seems instead my thoughts at times have taken a liking to my own flesh instead…I consider this sort of cannibalism not a bad thing because piece by piece my purpose requires the old me to methodically die…to bleed out and breathe her last…the she I once was is and has always been an unnecessary shell…so with silence and time I have been forced into a molting process…so as my purpose expands and my hunger grows more insatiable, the case that once housed me with fears and procrastination no longer fits this body…so I peel the layers as the decaying flesh with every step forward…still there is pain within this process….it has been an ugly transition so far…so much care must be administered…the wound must be covered but the wrong covering only leads to festering…so my heart longs for a covering that allows me to breathe…one who like me has endured the growing pains with resistance….a most horrible season of selfish discovery…so I found my eyes begging for the strength to allow my wounds to be uncovered…for my being to be unashamed…for my mind to be in agreement…with what my heart already knew…and the layer of resistance fades with every step…

Release is the necessary conclusion in wholeness…Still detoxification drains…purpose requires effort I had not always been willing to surrender…the face confronted in the mirror of God’s word wasn’t the same one reflected in my bathroom this morning…the latter “she” was a discontent soul…but she’s no longer allowed in my sphere of influence…

And my heart’s anthem shook me out of my stupor with a command,

“UN-ARREST YOUR DEVELOPMENT!” 

So I combed through the manual until my eyes met a familiar yet necessary venue: Father, please teach me how…

 

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.