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Better Not Bitter

Responding God's Way to Life's Challenges

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Encouragement

And when I rested..

And when I rested…restorration appeared. I began this message personally to my choir director, but as so many have before, this message too has morphed into what it is: ministry.

“The song you wrote and ministered was exactly what I needed today…I know it and the message was also the reason the enemy was so determined to stop me from staying for service. Thank You!”

I needed that reminder to worship everyday. 

The other day I asked myself what was the difference with my then and now…how I was able to face demonic influences head on without a second thought, but in my own home now struggle to divide the spirit from my son so that I may continue to love him as any son deserves.

God reminded me…my atmosphere changed…that I began my days and ended them with my own worship service…that in everything I gave thanks just because  I remembered when…the difference was that regardless of where I was physically or even mentally, worship kept my mind,body, and soul above the elements that sought to distract me in a given moment.

The enemy sought to drive a wedge between the beating of my heart and righteous discipline today…I allowed myself to react and not respond. I listened to the negativity instead of the truth. I’d grown tired of waiting for my thorn to disappear…At one point in my anger and pain over the treatment I received from my son, led me to consider him as that thorn…guilt followed this assumption until this very moment…I didn’t want to despise him for the disrespect…I didn’t want to neglect his heart though in reality I’d already neglected my own by allowing certain this transpire. And so the Father has shown me the beauty for ashes in a trailer…my life’s script and that of my son’s has already been completed and only the director knows what the final product will show. Still God’s allowed me to see the previews and this keeps me intrigued…many of the outtakes will be laughable in time…though while the delays transpired, frustration and stress took over for a moment…Moments such bittersweet elements of time…and as I sat in the latter service listening…I heard Him more clearly than I had in a while…

“Yes, daughter, he is a thorn, but one of many”

For this reason I know as with Paul’s request, removal is not an option…and before I could muster a protest over the honor due me as his mother, God’s response…still barely above a whisper…

“I love you too much to leave you unprotected”

And immediately a rose came to mind…that my thorns including the rift between my son and I, force those who are meant to walk with me whether my friends or  my future husband to handle me with care…Still those thorns protect me from predators who have no intention adding to my life…those, who seek to deplete me of my potential for growth are required to halt…yet, most importantly my thorns keep me humble…my thorns drive me to the Presence of my God…

So had all my thorns been removed, I would die a victim of prideful self-sufficiency…so I’ve learned to not give up by giving up…I’ve learned to worship in spite of…to surrender.

And when I rested…He restorred…Selah

You Will Get There

“Let’s go to the other side” those were Jesus’ words to His disciples moments before  two paradoxical events occurred: Jesus went to sleep and the biggest storm the disciples could have imagined threatened to take them out! I like how the NIV states…Jesus was sleeping on a cushion. 

To put it plain…sure He knew the storm would come, but He also knew what He’d already said too…so Jesus was straight “chillaxing”…sometimes in life we go through storms just after God’s told us we’re getting to the other side not because He doesn’t know the next step, but to show you whether you really trust Him enough to know that come what may, you will make it to your appointed destination. 

As soon as the disciples sought the Lord, He calmed the storm. Notice Jesus was with them all along, but they still panicked. Their panic led them to call on Him when Jesus’ mere presence should have been sufficient to  provide them the peace they needed to endure the rough waters.  Jesus calmed the storm by saying “quiet, be still”as He has done to the storms I’ve encountered lately. 

I used to fret like the disciples, but now I know to have the peace in my storm because with Jesus with me, I know I’m  getting to the other side.

So no matter how fierce your situation may be now, if Jesus is with you, know you too will get there.

Because He loves me…God waited

Just a thought…

Ladies, perhaps you feel good men are hard to find because you’ve misunderstood a few things about God’s design. Men were never designed to be found. The bible says, “when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” 

I know you’ve heard that before, but peep this. It is a male’s responsability to become a man…that man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Paul said it best when he acknowledged his transition to manhood as marked  by his choice to put childish things away. Note the decision to become mature here.”To put” is intentional. It is not random.  It is a natural progression that requires a special type of humility to be a suitable covering for a wife. A man must understand that when he finds you that you are a gift from God to be cherished. This humility isn’t manufactured by your mere presence either, ladies. Rather, this humility is one fostered by a real relationship with God long before he senses the longing to share himself and his purpose with another. 

Let’s take Adam. Adam was active in his purpose and openly naked in his relationship with God. God is the one who said, it is not good for man to be alone.. not Adam.  That means Adam was content because he was unaware that something was missing…and that’s because nothing was missing.  He was complete.  He was whole.  He was mature. He was ready. And when He was ready, God closed his eyes and gave him rest…a deep sleep, the bible says…God removed a rib and formed Eve…Eve was presented to Adam after he was awakened…hmmm yes and no…notice the sequence. God first closed the place of his flesh. God understood a helper suitable would not be a perfect complement if Adam’s flesh had been open.

A lot has changed since that first union….

So what exactly is your role in this process, you might ask…well, it’s not just to wait idly by for a male to mature into manhood…it’s not to put your life on hold idolizing marriage and the idea of being in love or having a soulmate either. Your job ladies is to be…the helpmate…to the Kingdom of God… yes, to allow God to form you into His good thing first…to teach you a level of grace necessary to receive the heart, hand, and yes habits of the one God’s chosen as your earthly covering. It is a process…sometimes it takes a lot longer than you expect, but it is never too late. 

Remember, God’s not obligated to your calendar, watch, or your biological clock. 

But Why So Long Lawd?

He is jealous of you! You see God’s jealousy is the only type considered good because His motive for having it is pure love…meaning because He knows the hearts of men…that only He is able to love you and take care of you properly so just any man isn’t good enough for you. That is why it is for your benefit to wait and not rush the process.

Take it from someone who got it wrong twice! God will only allow you to be found by one who’s character most closely resembles His. Likewise, His love for the godly man He’s got in mind for you is just as potent so God’s not willing to present him with anything less than a good thing either. 

Your job essentially is to allow God to show you your true self. Be prepared to see the good, bad, and ugly. No, I’m not talking physically but internally. When you seek Him first, the all these things is not limited to the tangible ladies. Some of you might have an independent woman attitude like I did.  Yet, when God is readying you to be found you notice that all of a sudden you feel a longing to be joined with another…to do life with a partner. Some might have never thought of having a child, but all of a sudden you have the desire to be around children.  Some of you might shriek at the thought of a homeless person coming near you and all of a sudden you have a sense of compassion that prompts you to dream up a center to help the homeless transition off the streets.  Ladies, as you press into Him the desire to gossip leaves. These things, ladies, are the attributes of God’s character. 

These things are new eyes to see yourself as He does. What’s more those new eyes allow you to see others as He sees them. You might even find yourself grieved over the questions from a young girl wanting to know after being diagnosed with an STD when she can have sex again. You might first judge that she doesn’t know her worth, but later being willing to listen to the voice in your heart whispering, “prostitution” and so instead of sentencing her to the foolishness of her actions, you understand the motive behind her need for an answer…and yet you’re still grieved…so you find yourself praying for her safety and that another means of income present itself so she not be required to put herself in danger night after night only to feed the crying baby in the background…these things…yes, these things including that godly man as your husband will come when you seek God first because by doing so you are prepared for the role of being a wife before the ring or even the relationship…

In fact, seeking God first not only transforms your character and your perspective, but your patience is strengthened.

You’re able to say and mean, “God, since you are my husband now, make me the wife suitable to bring Your purpose in me to fruition.” It takes a lot of faith to say and believe that statement, but it takes even more to worship Christ in spite of what looks like a dead situation as Mary did when Jesus arrived after the death of Lazarus. Perhaps we can learn another thing or two from Mary though. Keep in mind while she uttered the same words her sister Martha had only moments before her posture was different. She was sad things didn’t appear to workout as planned but she also did what always did  in Christ’s presence…she sat and worshipped at His feet.  And yes Jesus wept. Jesus expressed His compassion. And I don’t believe it was just because of the passing of His friend or  because of the lack of faith both Martha, Mary, and the others exemplified when He arrived. I believe Jesus wept out of pure love…pure joy over the unexpected ending of their trial…of their waiting period. Jesus wept because He felt the pain this dear sister felt, but moreso he felt her surrender in her willingness to trust in heart despite what her eyes and mouth witnessed. 

So you see…I understand the struggle is real in this single abyss ladies…you want someone to hold you…to protect you…to provide for you and to be your best friend…I do too…especially lately. Yet, God through Christ is all of that and more in your mean time for a reason. It’s not because He wants you to suffer or to wager how long you can keep your legs closed. Christ waits to show up so when He gets there your brokenness leaves no room for faking the funk. You simply must be real with God so He can unwrap your covering on earth as it is in Heaven. You see Mary and Martha had reason to worry. They were unmarried and the death of their brother meant they has no covering.  They were the equivalent of widows in biblical times. Yet Mary worshipped. And at the Resurrection of this dear brother all was restorred.

Perhaps, the reason things appear to be taking so long is because you have convinced yourself that the time to resurrect what is left of your heart is long over due. Maybe you have decided like Martha to be bitter. Or maybe you’re a bystander who doesn’t have a clue of who Jesus is and what He’s capable of doing.  Or just maybe it’s not you at all. Perhaps, there are still tendencies in the one God gave permission to find you that must be irrevocably dead by all fleshly accounts before God ressurects him, unties hid hands, arms, and feet, and opens his eyes. At any rate my suggestion ladies is that you take your cue from Mary and worship in your meantime knowing that had a sinhle thing happened in your life a moment sooner maybe you wouldn’t fully appreciate what Christ wants you to understand about why He waited.  In retrospect I am grateful He waited to bless me with the man I desired as my husband because I know He waited because He loves me. 

Who this Lady Wants!

Funny it’s probably been two months since I wrote most of this, but today God’s given me permission to post it. I was tickled last week when my pastor mentioned an upcoming relationship series entitled what a woman wants/what a man needs…I thought…SPOILER ALERT!  But no it won’t be the first time my posts and private devotion have matched the sermon message so I’m on the right track or at the very least great minds think alike…Anyway, I suppose some insecurities had to die in me first so here goes.

So the question was posed on social media recently:

Question of the Day: What are single women of God looking for in a husband?  Yes I know a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, but women, what type man are you praying finds you? Define some characteristics of a good Godly man.  Let the conversation begin. I’d love to hear your opinions.
And so began my synopsis…

In all seriousness…it got me to thinking about who I really want as a husband…so I penned…

A while back when I was asked this question, I answered, “I want a man who loves God more than who could ever love me,” but over the years God showed me that while on the surface my request seemed humble and even sincere, it was a shell of what my heart truly desired.

So God had to get with me…to show me I wasn’t being real…that my request was made out of an extreme place.  You see because my ex-husband and I were unequally yoked spiritually I figured I was taking the best approach, but then I began working at a marriage ministry. Who knew you could be unequally yoked with another Christian? While there, I found myself witnessing countless malnourished ministerial marriages. Husbands had forgotten that God said for them to love their wives because Christ already died for the church…the people…first ladies had become permanent figures on a pedestal instead of the relational and fun-loving women God designed them to be . The bottom line is there was no balance!

Yet, the reality I loathed was closer to home than I cared to admit even before I married my now ex-husband. I hated the dead air that remained stagnant between the union of my former in laws. How I despise fakeness ! A married couple should never sleep in separate bedrooms…I still remember leaning on the hallway wall in shock over this man-made marital mess! But somewhere down the line codependent tendencies lured me into the mindset so many reading this feel, “well at least we’re still together!”

Seriously? For real? This thinking goes well beyond just wanting to be happy! At its core, it’s a surrendering of one’s willingness to be Healthy…so for a long while I decided I did it wrong twice so why bother getting to know another disappointment?

Wow…pretty negative, huh? Exactly! Absolutely! Bitterness is what led that thought and what caged my heart from even God’s delicate touch for so long.

Yes, I even kept God at arm’s length because I refused to admit that yes, I desired the type of marriage God intended.

Sure, I haven’t been bitter with men for a long while, but until now I hadn’t had the courage to admit what this girl wants…yes who I want in a husband!

I want to marry my best friend. I want to have things in common with him that only we know about…I want to be able to go out dressed to the nines or dressed down and never feel like I can’t be myself with him…I want to be spoiled with affection…quality time has always been my preference above quantity…let’s face it sometimes I don’t want to be bothered either…I want a man who will appreciate my assets and minister to me in the areas where I perceive I lack. I want him to understand that though I’m tough, my truest form is delicate…I want him to take the time listen…I don’t expect him to understand…I know our brains are wired differently…but I want him to make the effort…I want him to do spontaneous and romantic little things just because he cherishes my presence…I want him to love my children as his own…When I walk into a room full of people, I want him to look at me like I’m the only one in the room…I want him to be vulnerable enough to not just cry in front of me, but for his heart to feel so safe joined with mine…that he is comfortable allowing those tears to flow in my lap…I want a husband who not only knows me, but who knows that the only way he truly can know me is with Our Heavely Father’s permission…that access to my heart is only granted because of his own growing relationship with Christ…he must be willing to grow with me spiritually, emotionally, and exponentially. I want my husband to be humble enough to pray, wait, and listen to God’s response in how he can love me best…in every way…to pray for me to receive all he has to offer…to pray for and with me…to never be ashamed of my testimony or threatened by my gifts or accomplishments…I want to admire my husband’s brilliant mind, but laugh myself silly with him just because…I want someone who protects me…that trusts his judgement of me if his family disagrees witg his choice to marry me…I want my husband to understand the importance of family time as a priority……I really suppressed myself in my former marriage.  So I know this is long, but that’s why more is my upcoming book..lol…but I want to my suitable complement…someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me in love or be challenged by me…someone who’s been through something, but not still broken from past failures. I want someone who is vulnerable enough to admit they have fallen before, yet humble enough to understand God is who helped him get back up. I don’t want someone afraid to be themselves because I can smell a counterfeit. I always have, I was just too broken before so I settled. I don’t want a man who is money hungry…I can’t stand arrogance…I like nice things and I appreciate a man who works to get those things, but those things shouldn’t have him because those things don’t move me. Man take me for ice cream to laugh and listen…I’m good. The little things matter.

God’s let me know whoever my husband is desires children of his own. I desire more children as well so that’s no problem. However, I don’t want to go it alone. I want him to be there for the doctor’s appointments and the delivery.  I want him with me when picking furniture for the nursery. I want him to want to be there and not to just feel obligated. I want to know he means what he says. He must be honest. Even brutal honesty is better than a lie. I’ve said before I don’t want to date any man but my husband so my desire is to be courted. Old school for real…ask your Father permission…treats me like the lady I am all the time…kind of courtship…

Yeah…that is a lot, but I know God has him out there for me because He wouldn’t have allowed me to finally express who this lady wants otherwise. I know God is able and since He gave me permission to request it, I know He’ll connect me in time with who He’s chosen to be by my side as my husband. Until then, I’m loving doing me because while God’s permitted me to desire what I want in my husband, He already knows that I’ve been groomed to be the wife he needs.

Forgiving and Forgetting is Not an Option Anymore!

A wound superficially covered will cause infection, but bleeding and allowing the wound exposure is often the best way to heal it. At least it is for me…

  • True Forgiveness Requires Grief!
  • It Requires Stages.
  • It Requires that one face the pain of what happened and why it happened.
  • It Requires Identifying who is responsible.

All the answers may never be gathered, but to slap a “Forgive and Forget It” Band-Aid on a Gaping Wound is senseless and now I realize is simply unbiblical! The Process Requires the need to not just breathe in God’s redemptive air, but to also bleed…

The Stages of Grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

So now I realize why I had pangs of guilt after thinking of the pain I’ve endured at the hands of others were unwarranted. I responded out of order. Rather, I reacted.

A response is one made with thoughtful intention, but my reaction was bred in a tainted petri dish…one where I was led to believe forgiveness is an all or nothing process…

Hmph…to say anything is an ALL or NOTHING PROCESS is oxymoronic in itself…Every process requires LAYERS….

I’ve been forced to consider things differently now and I am glad I’ve obliged.

There is a delicate and perpetual PROCESS to forgiving.  It is not merely “letting it go” as the Greek word for forgive, “aphesis” has so often been misapplied. Now the term does mean “let go,” but there are other meanings so don’t get me wrong here. I am still a word nerd.

“Release” is the definition that resonated with me the most. And since yesterday I realize the meaning is more than “releasing the offender from accountability.”  Rather, for me this release is solely for me…for my peace of mind… I release him, I release her, I release them for me!

I release myself to fully go through the process of grieving the loss of my ability to trust, to set proper boundaries, to receive unconditional love, to be myself without shame or condemnation…

I release myself to be angry with the circumstances and the fact that sometimes it seems that those who do wrong get away with it…

I release the thought that denial of what happened will make everything better…

I release the depression I didn’t know I was in for far too many years because I chose to bury what was still very much alive…

I release the need to bargain with God or myself as to whether I feel comfortable having this person or that person in my life again.  I don’t.

I release myself to the freedom of accepting that forgiveness is not one size fits all…that the process is perpetual…that I am not condemned for having a moment. I have had many moments and I will likely have many more. Regardless, for me, just forgiving and forgetting is not an option anymore.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Saturate Their Atmosphere with Your Absence

Last night I had the privilege of spending time with a wonderful group of ladies who I have grown to love and trust. While not divulging the details of our gathering, one thing I just must share.

When dealing with difficult people sometimes the best thing you can do is “Saturate their atmosphere with YOUR absence!”

God has been helping me dissect the reasons I still get angry at the mention of certain people’s names or why I get nauseated at the mere presence of others. It is not out right unforgivenness. I just hadn’t allowed myself to go through the process of “forgiving.”

I’ve wondered for years whether something was wrong with me…whether I would ever really get this forgiveness thing down when at times it seems I’m good and others I’m not. I’ve written about it so much…those few posts alone would be great ammunition for a weapon of mass deliverance I’m sure. Yet, I believe I secretly condemned myself for paying too much attention to forgiving and forgetting instead of appreciating my PROGRESS…On the way to meet with these lovely souls, I recounted the many times I’d heard biblical teachings on forgiveness like,

“Unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve included that quote in prior posts, but what do you do when the offender is the one forcing the toxic syringe into your arm? What is the remedy for desiring to please God by offering an offender grace only to not quite be there yet?

So I considered more closely my feelings about those who had done me wrong….and last night God whispered to me,

“but how does that make you feel?”

“I don’t want to ever be reconciled with the offender!

You see many in the church have hammered into the skull of every would-be Christian that YOU MUST FORGIVE OR GOD WON’T FORGIVE YOU!!!

While the word of God is true, blatantly saying this alone implies forgiveness is a one-size fits all prerequisite to receive God’s grace.  That kind of flies in the face of the Gospel considering grace through Christ was given long before we were violated by offenders in the first place!

So in the back of my mind for a while I have wondered about this in solitude…

Yet when I began studying this area with these ladies I was met with a breath of fresh air…Yes, I’ve got issues…but there’s a way to address them I hadn’t felt I had permission to use until last night.

And before I could condemn myself as I’d done so many times before that moment, He reminded me, “Woman where are your accusers?” They were nowhere to be found…because I chose to walk away…I chose to protect my heart and mind with my departure….and finally… I am perfectly at peace with my decision to  saturate their atmosphere with my absence.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Flight Delayed but Still Destined

For years God has shown me bits and pieces of my destiny. Considering the way He designed my mind, at times it has been frustrating to see the things that He has for me only to have to push the reset button multiple times before my reality mirrors that vision. I’ve said before that my vision has been set on fast forward for a long while and that still seems to be the case yet again.

Only now as I walk more closely with My Heavenly Father I am comforted with the reality that those things I desire need to be delayed for purpose. It’s not that certain people, places, and things are not to manifest in my future, but that my personal growth is far more important to God that mere things and people that will fade with time.

The saying goes, “time waits for no one,” yet I’ve allowed myself to meander along lately as if I have absolutely nowhere to go and nothing to do. Yet, perhaps that’s my problem…I’ve spent far too much of my time as a human doing and human going instead of embracing myself as the human being God had in mind when He formed me. 

I penned the first portion of this post nearly two months ago and strangely, but not so much…my pastor and his team was forced to confront flight delays while in route from Kenya last weekend. The intention had been to arrive a few days early so that they would make it back in time for our regular service. Thankfully, everyone made it to the destination in time. Now as for my pastor’s agenda, not “on time” as planned but “in time” as expected. That is as God expected. 

I’ve been full since Sunday!

Though at times I was tired and wanted to give up on matters I held dear in my heart because of confusion and let’s face it,stubbornness, God reminded me that even in my darkest moments He had me covered. 

So yes, delays on this path have had me wondering when would I ever arrive and fear of the unknown made me ponder would I fall out of the sky the moment I reach the highest heights…and yet the Father knew how long I needed to be in preparation for my next role in His Kingdom.  

This time a few years ago I allowed extra baggage weigh me down and threaten to keep my thinking on the ground.  Though I felt a tug, I simply wasn’t ready to call “this place” home. But through all I’ve endured in the last year, O have learned to pack lighter for the journies…to slow down and pay attention to things and people I’d otherwise overlook. And somehow I found myself more comfortable in a new situation….perhaps because with every connection point I, like our beloved pastor and team received, had a place of rest prepared for me with every interuption of “our”plans. 

Now, I’m sure where I am is where I was destined all along. It just took more time than I thought necessary to land safely being who I am.  Still, I simply refuse to resent the process.

The Insubordination of Isolation

I’ve had some hard lessons to grasp lately. I guess I’ve been having spiritual temper tantrum of sorts…

Yeah, this post is all over the place so just deal…

The reality of this waiting process is getting to me…most days I am cool, but the last few days….boy!  It seems the closer I get to the other side of this thing, my patience is well….

Still just because I’m tired of God’s timeline doesn’t mean I have permission to abort the mission.

So my son’s comments taught me a thing or two last night.

He was going on and on about his recent I-phone purchase and how it seemed like the activation process would take forever. He said that he nearly left the store several times but didn’t because he recalled how long he’d been planning this transaction.

CONVICTED

It is not that God is not on time, but that I have reached my prior level’s capacity…I feel like a rubber band…still I am in need of additional stretching.

“Un-arrest my development!”

I asked God to teach me how to do that yesterday, but I still went to bed in a somber state. Yet, shortly before falling to sleep, I recalled why the dream I’d had the night prior resurfaced in my mind. So I asked aloud, “What does a hot air balloon have to do with this?”

Yes, I had a weird dream of being taken up in a hot air balloon! However, in the beginning the basket wasn’t a basket…it was more of a bag and felt flimpsy…except as I and another person were lifted higher, a basket sort of developed…hmmm there’s that word again…or at least a derivative of it…development…what carried us was formed and became sturdier with each moment it seemed…I distinctly recall that I chose to cringe in the corner of that basket until my partner coaxed me to stand up and look out together…in the dream, I felt the excitement and somehow much of the initial fear subsided, but in a flash…he and I were free falling…the hot air balloon was gone…I was clothed in a jumpsuit with a parachute but both chutes, the initial and my back up, failed to open when I pulled the cord…I braced myself for the worse and the one who had originally coaxed me to not be afraid and to look out from a higher height in that hot air balloon had been above me…except he wasn’t falling nearly as hard as I…I don’t recall how we began falling, but I know though I feverishly tried to stop myself from falling…my attempts failed…and the few moments I glanced up, he was above me smiling…slowly descending while I was panicking…I don’t recall screaming or asking him for help, but before my partner pulled his cord to test his chute he pinned both his arms to his sides which formed a sort of bullet effect in my direction…he caught me…and in a blink- darkness…the jerk from his parachute opening coaxed my tear-filled eyes open and I found myself being held…covered…protected…known…loved.

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Un-Arrest Your Development

I suppose I have resisted this place for some time now….but I cannot continue to run away from the inner most parts of myself a moment longer. So I thought to myself yesterday that yes, perhaps I should have my head examined after all….everyone seems to think they know me…I consider the shear ignorance of it all and I’m baffled and drained in an instant. I recall all too vividly the moment I decided my fascination with the recluse…yes, I’m speaking of the spider…once I wasn’t afraid of them…once I was so fascinated with these critters that I simply observed one meandering across my foot as a child. I had no fear…I distinctly recall thinking, wow, a violin shape on its back so I didn’t move…again, not from fear but wonder that it thought my brown skin just an extension of the dark carpet it sought to camouflage its movement…

Have I too found a means of camouflaging my movement by blending in with a society still so foreign to my thinking? With my being? And after this morning’s devotional, the face in the mirror staring at me had something else in common with what I now know is absolutely toxic when threatened…over the years I learned to do one of two things when bothered…hide or attack with a most treacherous bite…one that might merely sting initially, but later is evidence of the tragic encounter…it has been a while since I dared to inflict such pain on an innocent bystander…it seems instead my thoughts at times have taken a liking to my own flesh instead…I consider this sort of cannibalism not a bad thing because piece by piece my purpose requires the old me to methodically die…to bleed out and breathe her last…the she I once was is and has always been an unnecessary shell…so with silence and time I have been forced into a molting process…so as my purpose expands and my hunger grows more insatiable, the case that once housed me with fears and procrastination no longer fits this body…so I peel the layers as the decaying flesh with every step forward…still there is pain within this process….it has been an ugly transition so far…so much care must be administered…the wound must be covered but the wrong covering only leads to festering…so my hearts longs for a covering that allows me to breathe…one who like me has endured the growing pains with resistance….a most horrible season of selfish discovery…so I found my eyes begging for the strength to allow my wounds to be uncovered…for my being to be unashamed…for my mind to be in agreement…with what my heart already knew…and the layer of resistance fades with every step…

Release is the necessary conclusion in wholeness…Still detoxification drains…purpose requires effort I had not always been willing to surrender…the face confronted in the mirror of God’s word wasn’t the same one reflected in my bathroom this morning…the latter “she” was a discontent soul…but she’s no longer allowed in my sphere of influence…

And my heart’s anthem shook me out of my stupor with a command,

“UN-ARREST YOUR DEVELOPMENT!” 

So I combed through the manual until my eyes met a familiar yet necessary venue: Father, please teach me how…

 

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

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