My Disclaimer…just words I scrawled from my heart a few months ago…and I added a few lines just now…found it today and decided to share…it is what it is…feeling some kinda way…

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When love knocks…

How do you find the courage to answer?  My question seemed pretty simple…only it was met with another question…Have you given yourself permission to receive? I admit I hadn’t before. I’m even reluctant now.  Before, I opened myself and my heart to meet its near demise.

So I questioned whether my silence will make him leave my heart. Yet, I keep finding myself thinking of what his thoughts on this and that are…I’m moved by his brilliant mind.

The heart hopes, but the mind struggles to accept the constancy of this thing…whatever it is…

Had I ever truly loved before? I mean besides the “required” love a Christian woman should possess? How could any of those feelings have been true when I was so fragmented? I didn’t love myself.  I’m so tempted to flee…yet, God won’t allow me to escape…

Before, I had every way of retreat, but I chose to stay despite the warnings…despite God’s offer…I chose bondage over freedom…I chose ridicule over encouragement…I chose to be chosen by “any man.”

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Will regret be my reprieve?  No! My new heart won’t allow it! Surgery alone was the solution! My old one…too beaten…too bruised…misused and stomped…bitterness took love’s place so it had to go!

My heart wanted to smile almost two years ago when the words, “Your husband is a certain man because any man won’t do” met my ears. My countenance fell when I realized the difficulty I had brought on myself by trying to shove “any man” into this “certain man’s” slot. Still, I finally gave up, but was met with another counterfeit.

This one didn’t need any help from me to be fictitiously vile. I’ve considered before that maybe the reason Fairy Tales always end with the wedding is because they too end up in divorce court…

It’s expected I suppose…real love can’t develop overnight…so I considered my ability to receive love…to give love…

I have pondered this thing for months and I’ve taught myself to listen…

“Just Receive!” “Listen and Pay Attention!”

 

The voice in my new heart had compassion…and in an instant the dots were forming the picture this prophetic babe saw over eight years ago…constantly reminded of the “appointed time” has had me frazzled, yet eager…courage keeps me focused on the larger picture though my thoughts resemble a kaleidoscope on most days…

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How could he know too? How is it that my words and his are synchronized without speaking…words I’ve written in solitude…prayers I’ve even whispered to my Father…concerns met with each passing week…answered without the question leaving my heart or mind…connected somehow…inextricably bound even when I resisted the mesh…not one of flesh, but spirit….captivated and deflated with nearly our first encounter…now I review those feelings of confusion and inclusion…

God is no liar!

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How can I be sure if what I feel is right or even real? I’ve fooled myself so many times before. At a time when I’d abandoned my list before my desire to be adored made my sense not so common…

Naivety is no longer cute as an adult…yet both our childhoods had us duped for at least a time or two…believing the lies that we were not enough…believing the tricks that perfection be a must…to be accepted…to be loved…to avoid rejection…

A struggle is only present when you are caught in the middle of two opposing forces…my will and God’s…

I told God I refuse to elevate a man before Him as I’d done in the past, but my thoughts are laden anyway. I asked for the thoughts…interactions…the way I’ve stumbled onto pages of his life…to cease…and with my own daughter’s words, I was reminded of my heart’s remission…of forgotten intention…to love and be loved on this earth as I am in heaven…

“Why do you keep pushing it so far away from you if you want it?”

She thought she was talking about my purse on the floor board while I was driving on any given Sunday, but I knew better.

Thus, I was faced with more of the same thing…

Torn between the fear of the unknown…and the faith of God’s best…

But was he too consulting with the Father about this heart’s battle?

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Silence…so simple, yet so potent…so I listen…wondering if he too has found himself desiring obedience over the sacrifice of mediocrity…or will he like I had be wooed back by familiar faces, places, and circumstance…

Addicts only walk away from their suppliers when numbers and addresses change…so it has with me…so I’ve chosen to have more and refuse the less of what had been the constant offer on the table that was never meant for my presence…

Still I wonder will  he consider the detriment of “being accustomed to”…doing what many think he “ought” do…or will he choose his own path at last?  Will he consider his ways and make the necessary change or will he hold onto his cantankerous demeanor in favor of remaining needless?

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Solitude can be one’s prison if not careful so I’ve chosen to forgo my need for independence. I’ve removed my shackles of hesitance in favor of much lighter yoke…

Frustrated before, but now I joyfully relent to what will be to be…I fully surrender what was…the who I was never meant to be…

I choose to remember instead, the good intended…this heart now mended… in places I’d forgotten existed…in ways my mind once resisted…I relish his shyness…a humble prowess- I’ve grown to adore some how…

So interesting is my now…captured like a photograph are the encounters we’ve exchanged in my mind’s eye…so I find myself again tickled of the thoughts that remain…To think I like this guy!

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A moment in time we held a gaze-all of a sudden I was off my game…Could this heart stand one more strike? In the midst of what I assumed a mere transaction…a blundered encounter…Something happened…

I grew closer in a moment than I had attempted to build with others over years…

Is this what is meant by a soul mate…one whose DNA so embraces the elements of another that even blood is not closer? What so heavily knits our beings? Who is responsible for our seeing? Why hadn’t I understood this connection until now?

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Perhaps, before I’d been too unwilling to bow…my head and my heart to the will of the One who knows best…the One who designed hearts and wholeness in His hands…the One who designed the plan before the time of our sands began…

So awesomely specific is Our Father’s plan of love’s redemption…that even when we stray, His plan thwart’s temptation…Alignment draws to complete the perfect picture…where two wholes make one with Christ at the center…

So I deny the confusion suggesting my mind is just clouded with intentions of grandeur…

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For pure pose…purpose alone…again…I’d forgotten before…Distracted by the counterfeit…shut in isolation at love’s door.  Physical and emotional fatigue has a tendency to evoke a special blend of Destiny’s amnesia. Yet, wholeness through Christ’s love provided the needed anesthesia…a surgical procedure only an expert could render…such is Our Lord’s hand-so delicate and tender…piece by piece…He removed the shards and stones…and replaced the gaping holes with parts of His own…

And so I’ve been chastened by true love’s momentum…I’m learning to appreciate it’s timeliness…enticed by love’s wisdom. I no longer dream of seeing mere potential…For in love truth exists…

I admit my imagination is far too impressive to withstand the magnitude of this movement…Yet as the doses of love’s prescription linger my marriage to my certain man supposes a greater picture..not solely for physical pleasure or even mere companionship… but of fruitful intention is this bridge built…

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So when love knocks again, I’ll answer.

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©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.