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Better Not Bitter

Responding God's Way to Life's Challenges

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When Love Knocks…

My Disclaimer…just words I scrawled from my heart a few months ago…and I added a few lines just now…found it today and decided to share…it is what it is…feeling some kinda way…

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When love knocks…

How do you find the courage to answer?  My question seemed pretty simple…only it was met with another question…Have you given yourself permission to receive? I admit I hadn’t before. I’m even reluctant now.  Before, I opened myself and my heart to meet its near demise.

So I questioned whether my silence will make him leave my heart. Yet, I keep finding myself thinking of what his thoughts on this and that are…I’m moved by his brilliant mind.

The heart hopes, but the mind struggles to accept the constancy of this thing…whatever it is…

Had I ever truly loved before? I mean besides the “required” love a Christian woman should possess? How could any of those feelings have been true when I was so fragmented? I didn’t love myself.  I’m so tempted to flee…yet, God won’t allow me to escape…

Before, I had every way of retreat, but I chose to stay despite the warnings…despite God’s offer…I chose bondage over freedom…I chose ridicule over encouragement…I chose to be chosen by “any man.”

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Will regret be my reprieve?  No! My new heart won’t allow it! Surgery alone was the solution! My old one…too beaten…too bruised…misused and stomped…bitterness took love’s place so it had to go!

My heart wanted to smile almost two years ago when the words, “Your husband is a certain man because any man won’t do” met my ears. My countenance fell when I realized the difficulty I had brought on myself by trying to shove “any man” into this “certain man’s” slot. Still, I finally gave up, but was met with another counterfeit.

This one didn’t need any help from me to be fictitiously vile. I’ve considered before that maybe the reason Fairy Tales always end with the wedding is because they too end up in divorce court…

It’s expected I suppose…real love can’t develop overnight…so I considered my ability to receive love…to give love…

I have pondered this thing for months and I’ve taught myself to listen…

“Just Receive!” “Listen and Pay Attention!”

 

The voice in my new heart had compassion…and in an instant the dots were forming the picture this prophetic babe saw over eight years ago…constantly reminded of the “appointed time” has had me frazzled, yet eager…courage keeps me focused on the larger picture though my thoughts resemble a kaleidoscope on most days…

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How could he know too? How is it that my words and his are synchronized without speaking…words I’ve written in solitude…prayers I’ve even whispered to my Father…concerns met with each passing week…answered without the question leaving my heart or mind…connected somehow…inextricably bound even when I resisted the mesh…not one of flesh, but spirit….captivated and deflated with nearly our first encounter…now I review those feelings of confusion and inclusion…

God is no liar!

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How can I be sure if what I feel is right or even real? I’ve fooled myself so many times before. At a time when I’d abandoned my list before my desire to be adored made my sense not so common…

Naivety is no longer cute as an adult…yet both our childhoods had us duped for at least a time or two…believing the lies that we were not enough…believing the tricks that perfection be a must…to be accepted…to be loved…to avoid rejection…

A struggle is only present when you are caught in the middle of two opposing forces…my will and God’s…

I told God I refuse to elevate a man before Him as I’d done in the past, but my thoughts are laden anyway. I asked for the thoughts…interactions…the way I’ve stumbled onto pages of his life…to cease…and with my own daughter’s words, I was reminded of my heart’s remission…of forgotten intention…to love and be loved on this earth as I am in heaven…

“Why do you keep pushing it so far away from you if you want it?”

She thought she was talking about my purse on the floor board while I was driving on any given Sunday, but I knew better.

Thus, I was faced with more of the same thing…

Torn between the fear of the unknown…and the faith of God’s best…

But was he too consulting with the Father about this heart’s battle?

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Silence…so simple, yet so potent…so I listen…wondering if he too has found himself desiring obedience over the sacrifice of mediocrity…or will he like I had be wooed back by familiar faces, places, and circumstance…

Addicts only walk away from their suppliers when numbers and addresses change…so it has with me…so I’ve chosen to have more and refuse the less of what had been the constant offer on the table that was never meant for my presence…

Still I wonder will  he consider the detriment of “being accustomed to”…doing what many think he “ought” do…or will he choose his own path at last?  Will he consider his ways and make the necessary change or will he hold onto his cantankerous demeanor in favor of remaining needless?

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Solitude can be one’s prison if not careful so I’ve chosen to forgo my need for independence. I’ve removed my shackles of hesitance in favor of much lighter yoke…

Frustrated before, but now I joyfully relent to what will be to be…I fully surrender what was…the who I was never meant to be…

I choose to remember instead, the good intended…this heart now mended… in places I’d forgotten existed…in ways my mind once resisted…I relish his shyness…a humble prowess- I’ve grown to adore some how…

So interesting is my now…captured like a photograph are the encounters we’ve exchanged in my mind’s eye…so I find myself again tickled of the thoughts that remain…To think I like this guy!

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A moment in time we held a gaze-all of a sudden I was off my game…Could this heart stand one more strike? In the midst of what I assumed a mere transaction…a blundered encounter…Something happened…

I grew closer in a moment than I had attempted to build with others over years…

Is this what is meant by a soul mate…one whose DNA so embraces the elements of another that even blood is not closer? What so heavily knits our beings? Who is responsible for our seeing? Why hadn’t I understood this connection until now?

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Perhaps, before I’d been too unwilling to bow…my head and my heart to the will of the One who knows best…the One who designed hearts and wholeness in His hands…the One who designed the plan before the time of our sands began…

So awesomely specific is Our Father’s plan of love’s redemption…that even when we stray, His plan thwart’s temptation…Alignment draws to complete the perfect picture…where two wholes make one with Christ at the center…

So I deny the confusion suggesting my mind is just clouded with intentions of grandeur…

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For pure pose…purpose alone…again…I’d forgotten before…Distracted by the counterfeit…shut in isolation at love’s door.  Physical and emotional fatigue has a tendency to evoke a special blend of Destiny’s amnesia. Yet, wholeness through Christ’s love provided the needed anesthesia…a surgical procedure only an expert could render…such is Our Lord’s hand-so delicate and tender…piece by piece…He removed the shards and stones…and replaced the gaping holes with parts of His own…

And so I’ve been chastened by true love’s momentum…I’m learning to appreciate it’s timeliness…enticed by love’s wisdom. I no longer dream of seeing mere potential…For in love truth exists…

I admit my imagination is far too impressive to withstand the magnitude of this movement…Yet as the doses of love’s prescription linger my marriage to my certain man supposes a greater picture..not solely for physical pleasure or even mere companionship… but of fruitful intention is this bridge built…

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So when love knocks again, I’ll answer.

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©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

The Beat of Forgiveness

Random words for a random heart…yet, I’ve decided this is where I do random no more…

I’ve considered what I would do had the tables been turned and whether I’d been on the other end of the message…if I had no way of contributing my hand to help or my funds to finance, would I have responded? Would I have merely prayed in silence without taking the time to let one know it’s the least I could do? I’ve considered whether my own level of immaturity of financial matters lately is worthy to be compared to that of one’s lack of emotional maturity…so the other day I had a moment…of hysterics some might say…of desperation others might insist…of uncertainty and humility I admit, but still so relevant is my peace…calm in this storm…helps me rejoice in the ability to slip on shoes I hadn’t worn before. This place…am I meant to remain…Am I to go there…confusion has no place in this mind or heart…reminded where Christ dwells…the accuser must part…the evil one has not been granted access…yet, that trickster tried…anger with the response or with no response, but then I considered what words would I have if I had no words to utter. How frustrated would I have been if I couldn’t offer cover…due unto others…the thing I’d want done, but what if my only reference be that of a son…desperately attempting escape from a hero complex thrust upon him against his will…would I be so willing to foot the bill? To pay a debt I hadn’t created in deed or mere finances…would I in my humaness have allowed another stand a chance…at taking advantage of my kindness like so many had before…so like I imagine he has…grieve I might…like mine years of fighting taught his  heart to prefer flight…reasoning through depressive feats without strength to muster…I suppose I too would choose not to trust her…or be loved…or be liked…or be satisfied or be fulfilled…yet,he still wonders is forgiveness for me from she an option…have I failed already because my mind’s concocted all sorts of blame and irresponsibilities that mirror too many I’ve seen before…too many disappointments met at love’s door…too close what his mother bore…a choice made…stay comfortable in my discomforting bubble…amid my kind of trouble…that which I am King…for too long I’d forgotten my Center…yet expected to mentor…and counsel he has…forgive quickly…don’t allow a bitter seed take root…examine their fruit…observe their motives.. ask God and stop reading books to decide if with her you are to reside…if with him you can let go of your pride…your shame…your mistakes…two as one…nakedness a must…no masks no make up…but God and trust…circumstances cloudy…storms back to back…clipping your wings is only temporary…a must if one intends to marry…consistent humility and honest conversation…friendship bonded without hesitation…but still cold hands can’t feel what’s been placed there…is it then even received? A heart thawed still bleeds…but what sound does it make when tragedy dines without invitation…the thump proceeds without jubilation…skipping its good intention…thrown off course…advice with feelings is of no recourse. So I must lay to rest my sanctified imagination…and love still…though from a distance…my best way to resist… a complicated situation…to be sure and eradicate this infatuation…angry no…thought I thought I might be. So I questioned My Father…how can I explain what my heart and mind has allowed in consensus? An answer upon  waking, ” Good morning daughter, welcome to the beat of forgiveness.”

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Privilege of the Pause

Just more random thoughts…of course on edited😁

I’m convinced the one problem, if it could be called that, with being a visionary is finding the off switch in one’s mind or perhaps it is as simple as located an appropriate landing spot for dreams to be born. As if the recording device in my brain is stuck in fast foward, I’m learning the importance of complete unplugging to catch up with myself occasionally. I’ve realized my stillness is yet my only way to hear His voice…
I make no apologies for my quick wit, my charismatic personality, or intelligence, however, life…at least this year has taught me the privilege of the pause…the necessity of delay has forced me to make use of my share of patience…and so I rest I Him alone. The white noise of “everydayness” fades to black as my surprise rises and bids me “Good mourning.” Yes in more ways than one the things and people I once thought I could not live without, I’m not able to consider the demise of what was thoroughly so…Good and Deceased…no regrets to gather…no further pain to nurse…a freedom I can only liken to that of the mockingbird’ song. I used to hate the beast how regardless of daylight or dusk, this one decided to perch just beyond my window and would ever chirp. Only recently have I understood the real reason for his song day and night. Only now can I freely sing my praises ever after too.

So my vision needed a place to lay…one where it would remain impervious to the pain of rejection…a dwelling where my will, my make-shift covering would be rendered more useless than years of experience had proven its worth…again I get my cue from the birds…how even sparrows know of His all sufficiency…how they sing as I learned to do again in this process…I’m reminded that no good thing will He withhold from me…finally this daughter stands…chains broken by keys I’d held all along…again song at midnight retrieved to lead nameless prisoners to their own freedom…I walk and doors open…because I’m beloved and now I’m glad to return the favor.

Co-dependence: The Guilt that Keeps on Giving

Today is a day of firsts! The first day of the month and the first day in over 12 years that I’ll dare set foot on the scene of the crime…the one that momentarily left me with the inability to feel I had a reason to smile like this: image

Yet…for no particular reason…I’ve learned to smile often…thankfully it’s no longer to hide pain, but to embrace promise, potential, and every opportunity within reach.

I accept what happened years ago as a learning opportunity…Albeit, physically painful and emotionally jarring I can finally agree that by God’s grace, I’ve thrived beyond domestic abuse…today is also the first day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month…so I pray every post going forward encourage a lifestyle a little freer than the day before…whether you consider yourself a victim of abuse…a former perpetrator of it, or someone stuck in between…I hope this post is a start to the healing process…I actually penned the latter part of this post yesterday so it’s tone is a bit random, but no less from the heart of one who’s been there…done that…a free to be the me I was meant to be…
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Warning, this is one of those spur of the moment posts that are bound to have typos and run-ons and stuff.  It’s random and off the cuff…I came, I typed and there you have it….but I’m learning to at least get this stuff out…I leave the editing for later.

Do you consider yourself an agreeable person?

If you answered yes to that question, you probably are thinking pretty well of yourself, huh?

Well, time to bust your bubble.  If you are or better yet if those who interact with you consider you an agreeable person, you might be susceptible to a certain danger than has claimed the lives of millions.  Yep, you just might be co-dependent!

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I know I know.  Isn’t it good to be “agreeable?” In certain situations it might me a fitting trait, but there comes a time when you simply must have and USE a mind of your own. And before you think that I’m pointing the finger here…let’s just say I, like many of you reading this post, have had the unfortunate displeasure of being codependent before.  Whew!!! Glad I got that over.

First, let me explain for those who might not know what codependency is.
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It would seem that the wording alone should be enough but then it could easily get misconstrued that co-dependence suggests that there is a healthy level of dependence on another individual of which you are in a relationship with….Wow…didn’t that sound all important and stuff…Anyway…it’s actually the exact opposite…

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For those who could care less about the scientific definition or application….it basically means you’re a people-pleaser or “agreeable.”  It even almost suggests that you don’t allow yourself to have a single thought without considering the impact that it will have on another individual…oh and then abruptly changing that thought to make sure it’s what they want even if you dont… AWWW…I know again you’re probably thinking…isn’t that just being thoughtful or compassionate.  Don’t all relationships require sacrifices? Yes and No….of course the purpose of this post is leaning on the “no” of it so follow me…

People pleasing to the extent that you lose your own say is not healthy.  I know because I lived it for far too long…You might say….I felt like busting loose and I’ve been slowly trying to get my “no” as tactful as possible lately.

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Codependency is not just in romantic relationships either….it can even be at work!!!!   Yep, I admit, the first step towards my escape of co-dependence started on 05/15/15.  the day I gave my 2 week notice to my former employer.  Now I’m not bad mouthing them or anything….the ministry is great and the coworkers were really like family….but I knew I had to go….There was no growth there for me and while parting was indeed sweet sorrow….my right now gives me joy in spite of the irregularity of a pay check!
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I really hope somebody gets this for real….download (1)

Yes, there have been some things that I had originally committed to that I have since recanted because I have to be mindful of my own well-being first.  Now, I am not advocating that you trot off thinking that it’s all about “you” because it’s not.  I am, however, suggesting that you seriously consider your options before you make any rash decisions.

And oh but the bible says….Yes, about that…Blessed are the peace-makers for they are the children of God…yes, Mathew 5:9 of the Beattitudes….Yes, Jesus said it and that settles it…..

Don’t get it twisted please….being a peace maker in no way means that you surrender the very mind, actions, and soul that God gave you to please another when you’re slowly dying on the inside.  I know that might seem a bit drastic, but obviously this subject is dear to me…consider this scripture instead if you find your self stuck in between all the time:

James 1:8 New Living Translation

Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

Yes, there are times when it is going to be necessary that you bear one another’s burdens, but there must be balance.  And that my friend is exactly what a co-dependency lacks.  There is no balance because for that to occur there would have to be two sides holding equal weight.

That’s why I emphasize so much the importance of wholeness before you enter into a relationship.  You’ve simply got to know your limits…have some boundaries…and understand the consequences of YOUR decisions.

So people, this is not some expert moment about being delivered from co-dependence overnight or even in a few months….It’s really about choosing the best option for you and your family.  Yes, compromise is sometimes needed, but at some point you should develop and stick to your convictions as God allows.

There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to get this far in my mini analysis had I not began to defer many of my decisions to the Lord for direction. That said, I’ve made some drastic changes and it has been daunting, but in the long run I know I’m getting better. So yes, I’m learning to just say no to things that aren’t in my best interest…I want to encourage you to choose to do the same.

©2015 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Worth the Wait

Everybody knows break-ups suck… 

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…but there is hope for those who are willing to wait.

A few months ago a friend confided in me about her brief encounter with “the one” that fizzled.  I responded to her privately the following words…I’ve changed a few of the dynamics to ensure anonymity as this is not some attempt to put my girl out there.  In fact, I’m really putting myself out there instead, but if I have to put myself out to help another sister realize her worth, so be it.

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So here it is…from my heart to yours…

Oh…girl…I’m so sorry…this is incredibly late…I know that God knows who you need and who you want…the thing is that satan only knows what he hears you say. Understand that satan is a deceiver. He presents us with what and who we think will fulfill the desires of our heart. In this case, I suppose this is what happened here. For me, honestly, I didn’t want to “date” and I actually tried my way to get in touch with the young man I’m with now about a year ago, shortly after my divorce was finalized, but it did not pan out. I never was able to contact him.  When I was selling Mary Kay, my crazy butt went to my old job, ran into him and gave him a catalog with my “maiden name” assuming he would make the connection and call me though I handed it to him under the guise of, “get something for your mom and sisters” I know that’s pretty sad, but I’m telling you this—hadn’t shared that before—LOL to let you know how incredibly lonely I thought I was.  Yet, God’s timing proved fruitful at a point when I was at my wit’s end, clearly almost a year and a half later. I don’t believe that God wants you to be alone but perhaps he does want you to “give up.” I mean…to give up looking…to give up “your standards” “your desires” and trade them for all He has for you instead. I can attest to the fact that what attracted me to my Joseph was his character first.  Yet, when we first met about 7 or 8 years ago, it was his “peculiar” ways that repelled me.  It repelled me because my heart was not ready. I was bitter and angry with life and especially men.  Perhaps, you too are bitter about some things that have occurred in your life or perhaps there is some area of unforgiveness that needs to be addressed. And when I say unforgiveness, I don’t mean towards another person, but perhaps there’s something that you have held against yourself.  I know God would not have allowed me to be in this relationship now had I not truly been able to forgive myself, my ex-husband, and even my mother for some of the things I’ve carried for years. Girl, just thank God for allowing you to get fair warning of what could have been a disaster early.  I know that had I gotten with my guy earlier, I would have ruined it because I hadn’t yet grasped how much God loved me.  I hadn’t realized that in my waiting all God wanted me to do was see myself the way He sees me.  I encourage you to do the same.  Trust me, you’re beautiful inside and out, God knows it and your Boaz does as well.  Consider this, Boaz watched Ruth as she worked…so in all you do…do it as unto the Lord and He will direct your path. Never underestimate that your God-sent could already be right in front of your face, mine was, it just took me several years to take my blinders off. Be blessed.

Yes, ladies it may be hard to get beyond the rejection and loss that brews in our minds and hearts as we say goodbye to another potential “one,” but the good thing is that when we know who we are(Fearfully and wonderfully made) and who’s we are (the apple of God’s eye), in time we’re able to wipe the tears and rejoice in the reward that awaits.

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©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

The Letter

Dear Broken Sister,

I hope and pray that you read this message in its entirety as I have a lot to say. I’d be lying if I said that no one put me up to this, but gladly that one is our Lord. I know this seems weird that I am contacting you this way. I really don’t know how to begin, but you have been on my mind and heart for quite some time. When I asked for your contact information, I had every intention of providing it to the ministry leader so that we could send you the prior discussion topics on the days you may be unable to attend. But when I thought about it, the paper that you’d written your information on was nowhere to be found. A few Sundays ago I bought an extra CD of the service because I didn’t think I saw you there, and the Lord put it on my heart to get it for you. I’d thought about your mother and prayed that she would be fully rehabilitated, and that whatever rift between you two would be mended.

To make a long story short… I HAVE BEEN THERE.

For me, May 8th of this year marked 6 years since God saved me. Spiritually, I first gave my life to Christ at age 7, and again about 2 years ago, but how He truly saved me physically is what I mean. It broke my heart to learn what happened the other night. I became frantic searching for that paper thinking I’d left it in my desk because my purse was a literal maze. I could find it nowhere. Last night I prayed that you would have the strength to let go, and let God. I prayed that you were okay and that you did not lose hope. I prayed that God just help me to find your email address or number. I even searched in our employee database and could find no contact information. I finally prayed that you would gain confidence in God and not worry about what people say. I found myself crying out before we blessed our food Thursday night on your behalf. I’ve only recently found myself praying in agony for my family, but never had I done that before for anyone I’ve just met. I had no choice though because I wanted God to hear my prayer that you are not discouraged and that you realize that God never meant love to be painful. So despite whatever all the romance novelists and editors say, the original author gave us the perfect example of love. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is unconditional. God is love. He loves us so much that He gave us Jesus.

First of all, God answers prayers and He hears our cries. I’ve noticed something about our Father….when we ask for His help…He shows up and He also will teach us how to communicate with Him. Only since I’ve been in communication with Him have I realized what a gift I’ve been given. I used to joke about having premonitions and dreams and stuff back in the day. I used to believe in coincidences, but now I can see God’s divine power in me. I know that He has truly given His spirit of discernment. I notice things lately that I hadn’t noticed in the past about people, places, and everything around me. I’m grateful for even having the opportunity for Him to have given me another chance at life. I’m grateful for my children and for them knowing Him intimately even before I did. You can learn a lot from children you know.

My daughter never made a sound amid the chaos; my son was four years old and helpless. I can only imagine him cringing in his bedroom while all the cursing, shouting, and terror ensued. One broken nose, a pair of crooked glasses, a smashed cell phone, a disintegrated glass table, matching blood-stained couch and love seat, one swat team, a negotiator, and seven hours being held hostage in my own home gives me a reason now to praise Him!

Looking back gives me a reason now to thank Him. I know that despite the physical pain, the emotional abuse, and even the open embarrassment of what transpired, the angels of God were watching over me. My daughter was only 6 months at the time and had been on the very couch in front of the shattered table that could have taken my life. She was asleep all the while as he told me to wipe my blood off of his f*@#&* couch. I know now that God held my son in his arms despite his endless tears. I know because I’m still here. I know because I’m here to be there for you. I know you don’t really know me and I don’t really know you, but I know God can do anything if you have faith in Him. I know now that His ways are not like ours so trying to guess his next move is like playing your first game of chess with a Champion. The great thing, however, is in this game even though you may have no idea what move you should make, while in His presence, you can’t lose! Although things look bad, you are playing a fixed game. You’ve already got the victory! Sometimes it takes time and we get frustrated before we realize how He has helped us; usually half way through the game. Is it really much more different in learning to live for Christ? I know from experience that I feel like I’ve gotten in the game late. Now I’ve known of Jesus all my life; grew up in the church. Yet, the sad thing is that I hadn’t known Jesus as my friend, my provider, my help, or my shoulder until a little less than a year ago.

I made a vow this year to turn away from everything that was not like Him and to go to Him in all things. Since that time, He’s spoken to me in so many ways. So many things have happened since I’ve allowed Jesus back in.

You do realize that despite the fact that we may ignore Him and do our own thing, He’s always there, right? There’s no hiding from Jesus. I’m still a work in progress, but I can’t wait to know more about this man who gave his life for me. He did the same for you too. His sacrifice truly is our miracle. Because of His love, we can stand up with our head held high despite what people say or think. Because of His mercy, we are always given another chance. Because of His grace, we survive although we do not deserve it!

Don’t forget that we are heirs to the thrown. So my sister in Christ, as a Queen in the Kingdom of the Most High, keep your smile on your face and your head high. It gets easier with time and constant communication with our Father. Please remember, love is kind and patient; not full of pride and anger. God is love. Please know that you don’t need anyone to complete you but Jesus. He will NEVER let you down.

I pray that you will receive the words that God has given me to share with you and that you be released from the bondage satan is trying to use to hinder your God-given potential. Understand that people talked about Jesus and He is perfect, so don’t underestimate your ability to bounce back, be blessed, and be a blessing. Know that by writing this to you I claim that you are healed in mind, body, and spirit. Consequently, that I too am healed. Until now, I had not had the courage to admit that the night six years ago was not the first time he put his hands on me, but I cried on the inside.

Pride will do that to us, you know? It can make you lie for six years to loved ones so that you don’t look like the weak one who stayed despite the abuse. It will make you lie to your friends so they will continue to look up to you for leaving him the first time. It will make you lie to yourself until you believed that there really were no warning signs. Pride is so ugly sometimes that it will even make you think that you did something to deserve it. It’s no wonder that God hates pride. I can finally let go of that pride and truly love myself because God didn’t let go of me.

Love always,

Your sister in Christ

P. S.

This is just between me, you, and the Lord. God Bless you always.

 

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