Just a bit of randomness…I’d already had this thought on my mind on the drive to church, but today’s sermon wrapped things up nicely in my mind and heart. Looking back…oh how grateful I am for my transformation! How BeautiFULL I’ve become!
I remember when I was in 9th grade, we had some of the upperclassman come over to my junior high school and meet with us to let us know what to expect as part of the “high school” world. I distinctly remember one girl speaking of a course that was required of all honor’s students of which she absolutely hated. She said it was Etymology, the study of words and their origins, and she warned us to beware of the strict and stoic teacher who loved her job a bit too much.
Fast forward a few months and there I sat in her class. Mrs. Utley…yes, she was indeed passionate about the work she did and perhaps even more so about the grading. She had no mercy. However, the odd thing is that while most of my classmates grumbled about memorizing all of those Greek and Latin roots, I was fascinated with them. Immediately, I considered just how I was going to do superb on the English portion of my ACT. I quickly learned how to break everything down and loved it. I even began writing in Greek in my journals to keep my mother’s prying eyes at bay. Even a couple of my friends would pass notes in class written in Greek to confuse other teachers.
Fast forward to today, I still love words and I write and dissect them for fun. I’m completely okay with being a book worm, word-nerd, geek, or whatever else people can think of calling me. And that folks is for one reason only…I love being me.
Notice how I skipped a part of my existence between the start of high school and now?
Well, that was intentional because somewhere between the acknowledgement of my gifted mind and today, I decided to intentionally dumb myself down for the sake of say…those folk who just couldn’t get me. Over the years that morphed into a series of co-dependent or abusive relationships. However, something began to peel off of me within the last year. It was my mask!
Today’s bible lesson got me to thinking about how for years I was suffering from PTSD-Post-Traumatic Self-Disorder as coined by Pastor ID Curry . I was constantly getting into relationships trying to “fix” people because I couldn’t “fix” my mother. She had borderline personality disorder. Mental Illness is real folk! I didn’t even know the root of my own issues until the last few years. In fact, I just accepted that I’m not what happened to me and I am not my mother. I was able to forgive her and myself. I feel so free now that I keep wondering why on earth I allowed the weight of “who I thought I needed to be” bog me down for so long.
Even when I consider myself a few years ago I marvel at the transformation…I actually look younger and better now than I have in years…God was patient with me…He loved me back to my original image…the one He designed…for the purpose He planned…
God reminded me of my name…reminded me of my bloodline…that because of Christ’s sacrifice, I’m no longer bound to other’s expectations or desires…that I can do all things through Christ because He has strengthened me…that I can embrace the fearfully and wonderfully made woman of God I am…
I’ve learned to Be Myself and Love Myself…better yet, I learned to receive love!!! I am the way I was meant to be now. What I do or what I have been through doesn’t define me. Rather, who I am defines what and how I do things. To think it took me over 20 years to understand and embrace that! I guess in all this wordy material I’m asking you to do the same…embrace who you are…perhaps a little sooner than I did…
…So live the life you were meant to live and please BeYoutotheFullest!