Random info…continue at your own risk…unedited so yes there are typos…
“Uh huh…I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. It’s not God’s will so this is goodbye.”
I know…I know…it seems like something straight out of a Hallmark movie channel script, right? well, it’s not…at least not yet.
Those were the words I said two days ago to the man I assumed would be my husband when he called.
I know I’d made the decision to end things in my heart weeks if not months ago over and over. I just couldn’t seem to make my mind and mouth cooperate until that very moment.
I’d considered a bunch over the passed few months…how I felt about him…how I’d been tested in forgiveness and loyalty…how I’d explored the extent of Godly submission. I thought originally I’d just been rebellious…that the Jezebel spirit I thought was buried had resurfaced….I didn’t realize until Monday morning that I was wrong…that the conflict I’d experienced wasn’t internal as much as it was external…that I hadn’t yet decided to remove the yoke that had me bound…that I’d had that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach about him for a reason. He was a man of God, yet still a fatal distraction.
I can almost applaud satan for his cunning if I didn’t hate him so much. For several months, I was misled and almost settled…eagerly looking for signs to match what I knew God shared with me…that my gifts needed to first be surrendered at the feet of the man of God…I know God led me to Memphis for a reason…yet all the while, I was misdirected by talk…no real action…promises with no real manifestation. His attempt to coax me with promises of financial security were never a temptation. I think I’m sure I loathe an arrogant mind more than idiocy itself.
I thought…maybe I’m out of line…I’m not suppose to challenge…so I tried not to…as days turned into weeks. ..the more I was inspired to write and study God’s word…pictures of me sparked senseless debates about having too many admirers on Facebook and being too busy for him…the desire was expressed that I not work as his wife…that he’d take care of all I needed…yet…since moving here, there was never a time I felt comfortable asking his help…so I struggled in silence…I was humbled I know by God…yet, I learned to have no problem asking for help from others…friends and family…the one time courage welled in me to ask him…he complied…with griping…I watched my account for 2 weeks…thinking his type would reverse the monies paid out of spite…
Why on earth would I assume that of him?
I’m sure now that even that response was attributed to God’s provision for His daughter…by any means necessary…I considered the character of love…kind, patient, not boastful or rude…yet, the words “I love you” fell so effortlessly from a mouth only meeting the opposite.
I came to myself…realized I hadn’t written…really written in weeks…inspiration was drained from fear of a controlling spirit...
I shook off the guilt of accepting his gift of help for the one bill he paid and embraced the gift of goodbye…
A LUNCH with a friend Sunday shed light where my flashlight had gone dim…that he was a distraction…all talk and no action…that I needed to finish my books…that’s she’s waiting and so are others…
Monday morning God confirmed to me the man of God’s feet of which my gifts were to be laid…where I’d been fed all along…where I could learn more…right in my face, but I was fatally distracted momentarily.
To think I wouldn’t even have known the magnitude of or the existence of fatal distractions had not more than a year prior my cousin not intervened . One CD captured an intriguing speaker teaching God’s word so curiosity led me to Hope.
I’m looking forward to handling my Father’s business…not concerned with dating…marriage…and all that jazz…just handling my Father’s business…so yes, I’m single again…willing to be sought…truly courted by the Jacob God has chosen…waiting years might be God’s will…Rachel waited on the other side of 14 years while her purposed position was prepared so regardless of my relational track so far…I’m good alone…not in the least lonely…handling God’s business is on my agenda from now on so just call me Rachel.
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