Finally Thawed

For the last month or more, my daughter has been somewhat “re-obsessed” with Frozen’s Soundtrack . I admit I used to like the song myself, but only when I heard Demi Lovato sing it. Yesterday morning on the way to church she decided to belt out the lyrics of which I’d heard enough of…or so I thought.  I’d never considered the lyrics until this morning. When I walked into bible study, I had no idea how the words of that song would dictate that I’d finally been able to accept God’s permission to receive. The message “The Gift of Letting Go “ preached by Danny Cosby coupled with the reality of the churning that had gone on in my heart for at least two months were all that was needed to actually have me speechless for a change. I couldn’t stop crying.

It wasn’t a bitter cry. More of a battle cry after the victory has been accomplished if you will. I realized I too had built walls around my heart and mind over the years. And my heart was still frozen so there was another surface to penetrate after  the walls of my mind and heart had been diminished. A few months ago I began to understand the necessity of allowing God to tear those walls down so that my future husband wouldn’t have to do so. I realized that every time I’d said to myself, “I believe” and set out to do an outlandish deed in line with God’s direction, fear would have me reconsidering whether I was as in times past “doing too much.” I was taking the very bricks God pulled down and trying to replace them myself. So for the last few weeks I’ve been considering and reconsidering my motives.

It’s Time for a New Set of Bricks…and A New Partner to Build together…The Plans have changed…The Wall is not to be around our hearts, but around our union…The purpose already mirrored one another…

It’s melting…It’s melting!!!

I can’t help the way I feel now and I’ve tried. I tried to rationalize whether he would be capable of loving me like I asked God of my future husband in journals years ago. Over and over again I made excuses. I considered the exposure…I considered the danger of vulnerability…I considered my purpose…I didn’t want to make a “relationship” an idol…but the more I think about it, I realize it will only bring more glory to God as His hand has directed out paths to intersect as it has…so today I surrender…

To the desires of my heart…the desires of God’s heart as I understand now why my urge to pray for him is so urgent at times…Even still until yesterday, I had been praying amiss at times too…praying that God prevent me from loving him…that He prevent me from caring…that I not get distracted by trivial things like loving a man or marriage…Fear led those petitions.

Prayer works definitely, however, when God flatly tells you, “Why are you pushing away what you asked for?” you realize that you can’t exactly “undo” a prayer inline with His will. I’ve been forced to answer that question regardless. For a time, my answer had been a long list of what if’s and reminders of how wrong I’d been before. Time and time again God has revealed how love at first sight doesn’t exist, but that the spirit of the one He has chosen as your partner in purpose is what draws you…that is, I admit what drew me…what still draws me…as if I’m a magnet and he iron…time…distance…attitudes…words…for whatever reason…I’m still drawn…perhaps the draw is so we sharpen one another…I’ve tried to disconnect myself, but denial that his words and deeds are intricately connected to the passions God placed in my heart long before we ever met is useless. I can’t be in God’s will and continue to deny the possibility of expanded purpose with him by my side.

I’m still afraid. Yet, my Father reminds me that though He did not give me the spirit of fear, He provides me courage in spite of the fear. For a recovering control freak, chartering unknown territory can seem daunting, but I know God has led me back to Memphis for a reason…that I had to experience the bad so that when good arrives I would be able to welcome him with open arms and an open heart. So I’ve avoided the possibility of something filling the space…I’d learned to be okay without. As a whole woman, I surmised I’ll be okay without him whomever he is, but my heart knew better even in its weakened state at the time of our first real encounter.

For a time I thought that maybe I had never loved the others and that I merely assumed it was love and it all was infatuation. I was okay with that lie for a while, but in the last week God has revealed in more ways than one that I had indeed loved before…that my only mistake was that I love those who didn’t have the capacity to receive the love I desired and tried to give. I used to think that because at the time I didn’t actually love myself so perhaps I had been unable to love another. Yet, again God has shown me how wrong my assumption had been…that my love for them had been pure, but malnourished. That because I’d allowed myself to lead with my heart and because I left my head before… tossed my pearls before swine  that I was unable to make the “right choice.” I even found myself resorting to old methods of applying who I know now God has promised for me to another.  Genuinely happy for what I considered their union would be, secretly later I felt some kind of way…did not want to know why…

And God has revealed to me the heart of one worthy of my presence. I’m drawn to him though I’ve tried for at least a year to remove myself from the scenario. God still has a sense of humor. I can’t deny how God has re-written my story. When I consider the many transitions I have endured within the last two years, I have learned that my obedience to the voice of God is best. I had to learn the hard way in many ways. I’d carried baggage for years and though I’d heard the voice telling me to “leave it there,” I was almost conditioned to drag it anyway. Thankfully, that’s not my stance now. I realize the additional baggage stalled my progress, kept me unorganized, and weighed me down…

It has taken me a long time to unpack…confronting the reality of “me” has been every bit the daunting task I expected. Still, I regret nothing. It’s easier to walk now. I have perfect peace with God’s decision and finally even with my own. The surgery God performed on my heart and head was delicate and time-consuming, but so necessary. Now that the walls are down, my heart is finally thawed enough to receive the love I desire.

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