So today before I could get out of bed I cried out. I admitted with silent tears that “I don’t know what I’m doing…what I am to do…I don’t know the next step!
Deflated. I gathered what was left of myself and painted. I painted my face to hide my frustration …of not knowing and not trusting as I had before.
I couldn’t allow my children to see that me…the one who couldn’t get it together. I’m tired of starting over, but transition has been my perpetuality– I know it’s not Webster’s word…so it will at least be mine if only for a moment. So little is mine now.
In the 7 months since leaving the familiar, I’ve lived in 4 different places. The place I’d sought I thought I found before. It was the wrong thing. The wrong person. It was in myself at one point…in my fiance at another…in my employer, but not in God.
I admit I failed My Lord.
Still He keeps me. Still He loves me. Still He comforts my soul with echoes of unconditional.
I am loved. I am His. He has never left me…never forsaken me…while I forsook Him by trying to do me…but I never actually got that right either. You see because for a while I thought doing “me” meant doing religious activity…attending events…being where I was expected to be…
Not so. I only needed to but Be.
I wondered why again He’d chose me for such an insurmountable task…why He chose me to bring such a huge vision to so many…and again I was reminded to Just Be Loved. To just Let Go. To Just Be Me.
I considered the thing. To Just Be Me. To Just Be Real. To Just Be.
I believe I will.
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