It’s okay to not be okay, sometimes

I really never grasped the concept of this title before a month ago. It seemed my mind and heart had been bound to the expectations of others though they never really existed.

Yep, I suppose I’d conjured them up myself, gave them life, and allowed those negative little thoughts wreak havoc on an otherwise calm mind. I was bound by the thought that I was required to always have it together. I’d condemned myself for wanting to cry.

I’d judged myself for a need to be vulnerable. Yet, I trusted no one to really appreciate that vulnerability… that piece of me that so desperately needed a way out.  Then it happened.  I went to bed and allowed my eyes to drown in tears. I barely said a word above a whisper yet I knew by morning my Daddy heard and answered me. So I traded in my fears for a fiercer version of my likeness. I traded low esteem for assurance and confidence. I traded what I can’t do for what He’s already done.

I relaxed and acknowledged that even Superman had to deal with kryptonite.

“It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.”

It wasn’t the first time I heard it, but probably the first time I listened… to my mind, my heart, and my body…. telling me that my transparency is not only what heals others, but what also heals me.

So I’ve had quite a few business ventures in my head and heart buried for too long. Revelation has excavated the tomb that housed my tenacity. I am fearless and I can only credit one for the intentional recovery of me. Christ and His merciful hand performed a most delicate surgery on me that night. He removed my heart and replaced it with His. He sedated me with just the right amount of love to ensure all the ailments I carried could be eliminated without disturbing my rest. I gave it all to Him…He gave me all of Him. The desires of my old heart weren’t wrong, just flawed… Flawed by misconceptions of who I thought I was.

Outspoken! Audacious! Loving! That me was buried alive for years, but His heart beat came and rocked my world again. I was required to go back to the place before hurt took up residence… to get beyond the pain and understand why it had to be.  I was challenged to just be loved. I was advised  just be me… to just do you… to work diligently and all would prosper. I was almost distracted by the now. I was almost overcome by reality and then a whisper clarified that I make my reality...that I walk in destiny because He knew me long before I knew me… that He’d planned my joy and that my sorrows were Godly and produced repentance…that my tears were needed  to make the burning in my eyes and heart subside. I released it all- burdens,duties,and issues. I was taught to love again…to be childlike…curious, fearless, and trusting…to not worry about bills, drama, or who said what…to know that He took care of the birds then and He does now- To remember that He took care of me then and He will now.

So I am not disturbed when when circumstances  appear bleak because God’s still got me covered…I rest in knowing it is still okay to not be okay sometimes.