I know I need to know God more intimately and nothing could have helped me acknowledge that fact more than the passed few weeks I’ve endured. More specifically was the cloud of conviction behind my routine prayer…no I didn’t mean routine prayer time…I meant routine prayer…sure there have been times often where my prayers are genuinely heart felt and open to all God has to share with me. However, a few weeks ago in response to a friend’s prayer request, I bowed my head immediately on their behalf and uttered, “Dear Gracious Heavenly Father, Thank You for this food I’m about to receive…”
Yep…I did it…thankfully I caught myself…rather I know now that the Holy Spirit caught me and reminded me that I had begun to get into a most unsettling routine with My Father….that I hadn’t been real with Him in a while outside of my notebooks and journals…so over the last couple of weeks, I’ve taken time to reread even some of those entries…again I found well-manicured acrylic prayers…sure some were addressed to my daddy, but what followed were more examples of what I’d fought so hard to not do…I was fully clothed…with a coat even in a 90 degree situation…I knew I needed to be naked with God for deliverance but I chose to wear my strength on my sleeve instead of my heart that had just been broken. I found myself too afraid to cry out for help because how else could I fix others when I could barely hold my own pieces in place? Tears bathed my face, but kept me awake the 45 minute commute to a place I have yet to call home.
“God, I wanted it to be right! I wanted to be adored. To love and be loved. I thought He was who You sent me! I wasn’t even interested! I did what I thought You wanted me to do! I know I should forgive him, but I don’t want to! Help me! I’m too weak for this!”
And He answered…not with wrath, but with the love I needed to know I was still worthy to receive…a message in a bathroom…because the kids had one more day of school before winter break, I decided to stop at McDonald’s to fight my fatigue. Time in the stall thinking and trembling because it had been cold that night, I saw what He wanted me to know….
…He took time out to tell me that I’m special although I’d done everything but curse Him for allowing me to meet the man I dared give my heart to…for this reason I no longer just need to My Daddy better…I want to know Him better…