This morning I woke up feeling some kind of way. And then I got a message from a friend on Facebook that got me on the track that I should have remained on from the beginning. This is what He sent. Rather, I should say that this what God placed on his heart to send my way. The same string of thought is what had been in tears last night as well. I was in tears of joy though because God allowed me to cleanse regrets from my system that I’d been harboring for way too long. In fact, He allowed me to come across a sermon that showed me just how wrong my regret was in the beginning. …That conviction is not the same as regret that conviction is from a place of love and direction and regret is a form of self-hatred. Yep, I said it self-hatred….that at times when we harbor regret we will find ourselves loving others more than we love ourselves. I didn’t think that was possible, but in retrospect, I know that is exactly what the majority of my life exemplified. Somewhere down the line, I began to view myself unworthy of the love I desired because I held onto the mistakes I’d made or mentally punished myself for the decisions I hadn’t.
Since I have been trying to complete this memoir, I believe I’ve allowed regret to stifle my creativity. As it is, a memoir requires you to remember stages of life that in some cases you’d rather forget, but I understand that my remembering is paramount to its completion. If I need to forget anything, I suppose that would be where regret and I need to meet again. In fact, I’m sure that is the only way that our paths should meet again.
While I know I do love myself, I have had those times…too many of them where I didn’t much like myself because of regret. Regret I see now is completely toxic and I have no room for it in my life anymore. Sure, I will make mistakes and I have made mistakes, but as for regrets ruling everything around me from here on out, not anymore.