“The traffic light at Hacks Cross Rd is out. It’s showing a green light in all directions for about five minutes.”
When traffic lights go out, it’s common sense to treat them as a four-way stop…to even proceed with caution…but when I heard this news on the radio today, I got a different message.
So I’ve decided to move forward anyway…regardless of what had just transpired moments before hearing it…
You see last night I went to bed in tears and found the same dampness on my cheeks while driving my children to school.
Considering today is the anniversary of my mother’s passing, one might think my grief had stemmed from the memory of that loss. Yet, my grief had another source.
I was concerned about my next transition. So I breathed a sigh of relief when inclement weather delayed the process another day.
I don’t believe I was afraid of the coursework or the demand of my time, but I’m sure now that I was afraid of the impact the news of my decision to officially give up my “job search” in favor of attending seminary, working in ministry, and spending more time with my children would have on others in my family…particularly those who’d been helping me thus far.
In fact, unless, my brother and cousin, who’s more like a sister, decide to read this post, they would remain uninformed until a more courageous time.
News of another aunt’s diagnosis with dementia has taken its toll on all of us.
Last week my cousin and I discussed how she was a caretaker for her own mother who passed 5 years ago almost to the date….how she cared for her father until his last breath less than two years ago…how she was finally in a place where she was ready to live…for herself.
Having just turned 38 two weeks ago, she admitted to me how she was a little bummed about not accomplishing more by this time. I suppose she felt as I had a while ago.
A time when she should have been reflecting on the good times she’d shared with her mom, instead on that very anniversary she was rushing an aunt to the hospital because she just seemed, “out of her head.”
Though I’m living in her home for a time, I hadn’t seen my cousin much since our aunt’s admission to the hospital and the diagnosis. She was with her and I understood why. My cousin was her father’s best friend before he passed and this was his sister. I joined her there myself after church yesterday.
I’m grateful that God used the pastor to remind us of the foundation of our frustrations. I needed it. Otherwise I would not have been able to stomach the way my cousin lashed out at me last night. She was tired and perhaps the reason I really cried out to My Father was because I too am tired. I’m tired of seeing her struggle in different ways than I have experienced. I’m tired of seeing her not live because she feels obligated to live for others instead. Yet, in my summation, I can not judge what God is doing on her behalf through all she is experiencing.
I am, however, more confident in my understanding of what He is doing in me and what He has planned to accomplish through me.
So while the impact of what transpired yesterday and this morning nearly overtook me, God confirmed with that timely traffic warning that I am still heading in the right direction.
It was the motivation I needed to keep moving forward despite how illogical things seem.
He will prove His power of deliverance through my obedience so until He tells me to stop, I’m taking the green light.