In the mean time

Disclaimer:  This is some random thought…very unedited…just came to me in about ten minutes…but words have always soothed my spirit so I’m not sure if this is an essay, spoken word, but it just is…

I’ve been considered gullible for a long time. I’m sort of ashamed to admit that now. I mean as a child, it seemed when it came to trusting people, I had all book sense and no common sense. At least that’s what my mother used to say. As I’ve grown, I realized that this supposed gullibility is my attempt at “righting” so much wrong in my world. When I think back, I can’t help but remember always being in the middle…always wanting to keep the peace…always caught between two evils that I for some reason wanted to be a part of…whether it was an argument between my mother and her sister or my mother and my great aunt or my mother and myself…I was caught…so I learned to develop a great escape…I learned to be a peace-maker…I thought that was the thing Jesus would want me to do and the thing that should be done. I lived in a perpetual “meantime” not my own…just caught wondering the maze of everyone else’s opinions and desires…not truly being happy with my own decisions or even knowing whether the decisions I made were indeed my own. I was confused and blind by a desire to be “liked” shrouded by the need to really feel love…to know love…to receive love…that love was promised but never received…talked about, but never retrieved…that love that was unconditional…not woven by whether I was wrong or right…that love not tempted by fight or flight…I wanted to be loved because it seemed I had so much to give…to be loved so much that I was willing to give…my life…my opinion…myself for any inkling in return of what resembled…what words even penciled…would be…could be…should be love…yet, as years have passed and bitterness set it’s root, one so faithful took it not moot that love could be…would be…should be unconditional…not some whimsical fairytale with picturesque memories drawn from a heart that had no chambers…no one could blame this heart had a reason to be broken…words that were unspoken and dreams were revoked and this heart had cause…unwilling to pause for a second, a moment, a chance to think that love would give glance…hadn’t love been a mere figment anyway? Hadn’t love been ripped away over and over…dragging the pieces against her will and there gasping life’s last breath love spilled…over and over and over until in the meantime she found You.

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