I can no longer blame my need for order on OCD.  I’m learning to be more cautious with my words.  The truth is I just like being in control.  So when I get stressed I clean.  I reorganize.  I change my world.  I change what I can control.

Control is a funny thing though. Especially when you understand that your input can do nothing to change your situation.  That’s where I’ve been for a while.    It can be a crushing reality to those like me who are recovering control freaks. Sometimes we think that everything should run smoothly especially if we plan well in advance. Yet, time and time again over the last year I have seen my plans dashed and now I’m in a place where it really doesn’t matter one way or another anymore.

It’s not that I am giving up on my desires or dreams.  It’s quite the contrary actually. To put it plainly, my life has been on constant fast forward.

I wonder if this is how the Apostle Paul felt when he desired to go one direction and the Holy Spirit provided detours.

In frustration recently, I cried out and doubted momentarily that yielding my gifts to another were in His plan. I almost convinced myself that no one beyond my four walls cared to know what I bellowed in my mind after midnight.  Yet, His plan included the reminder that He would never leave me nor forsake me.

Yes, I agree with His plan that I am destined for greatness, however, I now see how small of an impact I would make on my own…

Never before had I found the ere in my ways so quickly.  I asked once that I be convicted immediately when I’m wrong.  I suppose I never expected to have to comply with that request….Alas…not my will, but His is the reason for my transformation. I’ve been dropped into a new world.  One where the only choices are adapt or die. I should have titled this post what not to do when God says no because of one thing I’m sure regardless of His response to my request…

Dying is not an option.