Posts Tagged ‘random’

I can only imagine the gasps of my daughter when she sees this title.  She thinks I’m so old because I once said, “ooh, that’s a bad car!” Okay…I realize that no one really says that anymore, but whatever.  I’ve witnessed so much in the mere 37 years…almost 38 years that I’ve been on the planet to know that growing old is a blessing…that stress…even so-called good stress is soooooo overrrated.  I’ve decided to simply have no part in it anymore. It’s not that I’m naive to the problems that might arise in life, but I am more aware of how much control I have over those events. In most cases, I have no control.  In some others, I understand that even then I have to be completely led by the Holy Spirit to do the right thing.  Even then, I mess up.

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I’ve messed up a lot all my life….yep, I’m not going to sit here and say, “lately” because an inventory of reality shouts that I should have a doctorate in mess ups by now.  Regardless, the beauty of loving me as God does is that in all that….He still does….He knew it before I knew it so whether I keep my Christ-like position in mind in a moment of potential road rage, or I decide to flip the bird to that person who decides to cut me off, God still loves me.  That helps me in this moment and I imagine the many that are to come because I’m able to embrace my mistakes and understand that with every breath I have an opportunity to choose another option the next time.

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Have I got it all together right now…absolutely not…and here’s the deal…none of us will ever have it all together until Christ returns to take us home.  Warning, this does not give you permission to do any old thing and take God’s grace for granted.  What it is instead is permission to actually receive the grace Christ died to give you when you need it.  And in turn give that same grace to others when you can give it.  Humility is not becoming a door mat…it is becoming a stepping stone for someone else to come up because they witness your selflessness in willing bringing yourself lower.  I was about to say I don’t know where that came from, but that would be lying wouldn’t it. Of course I know the Lord led me to put that…to read that…to know that about myself and also for anywho else reads this message that’s taken me exactly 5 minutes to conjure.  No editing…just flowing in what God gives…that is all…be blessed and yeah…I’m kinda likeing and loving the new me!

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Peace!!  Oh yeah…people don’t say that anymore either do they?  Whatever…I do!!!

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Stop. Pause. Focus. Slow Down. Listen.  For at least three weeks now, it seems that those words are the directions that I have been given.  Yet, I haven’t truly understood or embraced any of them fully until this moment.

suppose I should have gotten a clue when my student advisor said in our meeting, “I bet you’re the type of person who has it done the moment you receive the instruction.”  It was not a compliment or an insult.  One might think it was actually the former, but it was just further proof that at times I can be overly diligent.  That is…in my mind.  I suppose that is in itself the issue with having a massive vision.  It fuels a faith that at times can be downright foolish. I used to say and I may have even written here before that if it is not foolish it is not faith. Rather, if that was the case, I submit that I erred.  Perhaps it may appear foolish, but not actually be foolish to be faith.  I have made several mistakes by doing what I “felt” the Lord was leading me to do while not realizing my true motive underneath.  Pride led me to that point. Pride would hope to keep me there, but love has released me from that place of foolishness. Love of a Father, a Son, of a Holy One who together have done so much for me and in me that I have no choice but to receive what is being communicated.

I have attempted to build my own design…my own building…my own structure.  However, all along the structure I had been building was on an imbalanced foundation.  I know a thing or two about building on uncertainty.  It seems for years that is what I allowed myself to do. It had done nothing more than produce worry.  I allowed myself to think too much about things that really don’t matter.  I had built so much on sinking sand, but my image prevented me from opening my mouth and asking for help until it was nearly too late.  I chose to avoid family, friends, and at one point, I even stayed home from church.  I leaned to my own understanding.

Structure. Order. Trust.

I used to wonder when I was a child why my mother was always so consumed with worry…yet, we were at church every Sunday. As a child, I could not understand it and now I still don’t understand it.  It is senseless.  Yet, I allowed worry to nearly consume my being too for a moment.  One moment that lasted too long…where have the years gone?

So far, I have learned in my absence from family, my cousin hasn’t drank anything more than water as her choice beverage for at least 10 of the near 13 years since my original departure to AR…that it had been 10 years since I had been in Louisiana, though I’d had an open invitation to witness the beauty that blossomed out of the ashes of a shared past my brother and I experienced.

I realize that I was my worst enemy. I was facing turmoil with my own children because “God forbid” if I showed a flaw in my parenting skills…I was the super single mom who survived physical, mental, and emotional abuse.  My children were expected to fail by default, but flourished by grace…flourished a long while when I prayed regularly…when I sought My Father’s advice in every decision. Something happened and that stopped.  Yet, in His love for me, My Heavenly Father whispers to me even now as I randomly bleed on this page, “Just Rest.”

I’d been the one who always had it together so how was I to know what was required of me when all I had was broken….so I’m learning now how to truly surrender is learning to receive…learning to receive the presence of My Father as just that.  My daddy…my support…my heart…

Random as this might be I am determined to not just get back to my first love in Christ, but to get back to my first agenda.  It was simple.  If one person is changed…if one person is transformed…If one person doesn’t do what I have…If one person realizes how much they matter to God because of my story…I will do it.

So as my Savior did on that fateful day over 2000 years ago, I enter my flesh into a grave that has no power to hold me there…I will rise again.

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Disclaimer:  This is some random thought…very unedited…just came to me in about ten minutes…but words have always soothed my spirit so I’m not sure if this is an essay, spoken word, but it just is…

I’ve been considered gullible for a long time. I’m sort of ashamed to admit that now. I mean as a child, it seemed when it came to trusting people, I had all book sense and no common sense. At least that’s what my mother used to say. As I’ve grown, I realized that this supposed gullibility is my attempt at “righting” so much wrong in my world. When I think back, I can’t help but remember always being in the middle…always wanting to keep the peace…always caught between two evils that I for some reason wanted to be a part of…whether it was an argument between my mother and her sister or my mother and my great aunt or my mother and myself…I was caught…so I learned to develop a great escape…I learned to be a peace-maker…I thought that was the thing Jesus would want me to do and the thing that should be done. I lived in a perpetual “meantime” not my own…just caught wondering the maze of everyone else’s opinions and desires…not truly being happy with my own decisions or even knowing whether the decisions I made were indeed my own. I was confused and blind by a desire to be “liked” shrouded by the need to really feel love…to know love…to receive love…that love was promised but never received…talked about, but never retrieved…that love that was unconditional…not woven by whether I was wrong or right…that love not tempted by fight or flight…I wanted to be loved because it seemed I had so much to give…to be loved so much that I was willing to give…my life…my opinion…myself for any inkling in return of what resembled…what words even penciled…would be…could be…should be love…yet, as years have passed and bitterness set it’s root, one so faithful took it not moot that love could be…would be…should be unconditional…not some whimsical fairytale with picturesque memories drawn from a heart that had no chambers…no one could blame this heart had a reason to be broken…words that were unspoken and dreams were revoked and this heart had cause…unwilling to pause for a second, a moment, a chance to think that love would give glance…hadn’t love been a mere figment anyway? Hadn’t love been ripped away over and over…dragging the pieces against her will and there gasping life’s last breath love spilled…over and over and over until in the meantime she found You.

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©2015 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.