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Better Not Bitter

Responding God's Way to Life's Challenges

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When Love Knocks…

My Disclaimer…just words I scrawled from my heart a few months ago…and I added a few lines just now…found it today and decided to share…it is what it is…feeling some kinda way…

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When love knocks…

How do you find the courage to answer?  My question seemed pretty simple…only it was met with another question…Have you given yourself permission to receive? I admit I hadn’t before. I’m even reluctant now.  Before, I opened myself and my heart to meet its near demise.

So I questioned whether my silence will make him leave my heart. Yet, I keep finding myself thinking of what his thoughts on this and that are…I’m moved by his brilliant mind.

The heart hopes, but the mind struggles to accept the constancy of this thing…whatever it is…

Had I ever truly loved before? I mean besides the “required” love a Christian woman should possess? How could any of those feelings have been true when I was so fragmented? I didn’t love myself.  I’m so tempted to flee…yet, God won’t allow me to escape…

Before, I had every way of retreat, but I chose to stay despite the warnings…despite God’s offer…I chose bondage over freedom…I chose ridicule over encouragement…I chose to be chosen by “any man.”

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Will regret be my reprieve?  No! My new heart won’t allow it! Surgery alone was the solution! My old one…too beaten…too bruised…misused and stomped…bitterness took love’s place so it had to go!

My heart wanted to smile almost two years ago when the words, “Your husband is a certain man because any man won’t do” met my ears. My countenance fell when I realized the difficulty I had brought on myself by trying to shove “any man” into this “certain man’s” slot. Still, I finally gave up, but was met with another counterfeit.

This one didn’t need any help from me to be fictitiously vile. I’ve considered before that maybe the reason Fairy Tales always end with the wedding is because they too end up in divorce court…

It’s expected I suppose…real love can’t develop overnight…so I considered my ability to receive love…to give love…

I have pondered this thing for months and I’ve taught myself to listen…

“Just Receive!” “Listen and Pay Attention!”

 

The voice in my new heart had compassion…and in an instant the dots were forming the picture this prophetic babe saw over eight years ago…constantly reminded of the “appointed time” has had me frazzled, yet eager…courage keeps me focused on the larger picture though my thoughts resemble a kaleidoscope on most days…

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How could he know too? How is it that my words and his are synchronized without speaking…words I’ve written in solitude…prayers I’ve even whispered to my Father…concerns met with each passing week…answered without the question leaving my heart or mind…connected somehow…inextricably bound even when I resisted the mesh…not one of flesh, but spirit….captivated and deflated with nearly our first encounter…now I review those feelings of confusion and inclusion…

God is no liar!

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How can I be sure if what I feel is right or even real? I’ve fooled myself so many times before. At a time when I’d abandoned my list before my desire to be adored made my sense not so common…

Naivety is no longer cute as an adult…yet both our childhoods had us duped for at least a time or two…believing the lies that we were not enough…believing the tricks that perfection be a must…to be accepted…to be loved…to avoid rejection…

A struggle is only present when you are caught in the middle of two opposing forces…my will and God’s…

I told God I refuse to elevate a man before Him as I’d done in the past, but my thoughts are laden anyway. I asked for the thoughts…interactions…the way I’ve stumbled onto pages of his life…to cease…and with my own daughter’s words, I was reminded of my heart’s remission…of forgotten intention…to love and be loved on this earth as I am in heaven…

“Why do you keep pushing it so far away from you if you want it?”

She thought she was talking about my purse on the floor board while I was driving on any given Sunday, but I knew better.

Thus, I was faced with more of the same thing…

Torn between the fear of the unknown…and the faith of God’s best…

But was he too consulting with the Father about this heart’s battle?

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Silence…so simple, yet so potent…so I listen…wondering if he too has found himself desiring obedience over the sacrifice of mediocrity…or will he like I had be wooed back by familiar faces, places, and circumstance…

Addicts only walk away from their suppliers when numbers and addresses change…so it has with me…so I’ve chosen to have more and refuse the less of what had been the constant offer on the table that was never meant for my presence…

Still I wonder will  he consider the detriment of “being accustomed to”…doing what many think he “ought” do…or will he choose his own path at last?  Will he consider his ways and make the necessary change or will he hold onto his cantankerous demeanor in favor of remaining needless?

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Solitude can be one’s prison if not careful so I’ve chosen to forgo my need for independence. I’ve removed my shackles of hesitance in favor of much lighter yoke…

Frustrated before, but now I joyfully relent to what will be to be…I fully surrender what was…the who I was never meant to be…

I choose to remember instead, the good intended…this heart now mended… in places I’d forgotten existed…in ways my mind once resisted…I relish his shyness…a humble prowess- I’ve grown to adore some how…

So interesting is my now…captured like a photograph are the encounters we’ve exchanged in my mind’s eye…so I find myself again tickled of the thoughts that remain…To think I like this guy!

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A moment in time we held a gaze-all of a sudden I was off my game…Could this heart stand one more strike? In the midst of what I assumed a mere transaction…a blundered encounter…Something happened…

I grew closer in a moment than I had attempted to build with others over years…

Is this what is meant by a soul mate…one whose DNA so embraces the elements of another that even blood is not closer? What so heavily knits our beings? Who is responsible for our seeing? Why hadn’t I understood this connection until now?

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Perhaps, before I’d been too unwilling to bow…my head and my heart to the will of the One who knows best…the One who designed hearts and wholeness in His hands…the One who designed the plan before the time of our sands began…

So awesomely specific is Our Father’s plan of love’s redemption…that even when we stray, His plan thwart’s temptation…Alignment draws to complete the perfect picture…where two wholes make one with Christ at the center…

So I deny the confusion suggesting my mind is just clouded with intentions of grandeur…

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For pure pose…purpose alone…again…I’d forgotten before…Distracted by the counterfeit…shut in isolation at love’s door.  Physical and emotional fatigue has a tendency to evoke a special blend of Destiny’s amnesia. Yet, wholeness through Christ’s love provided the needed anesthesia…a surgical procedure only an expert could render…such is Our Lord’s hand-so delicate and tender…piece by piece…He removed the shards and stones…and replaced the gaping holes with parts of His own…

And so I’ve been chastened by true love’s momentum…I’m learning to appreciate it’s timeliness…enticed by love’s wisdom. I no longer dream of seeing mere potential…For in love truth exists…

I admit my imagination is far too impressive to withstand the magnitude of this movement…Yet as the doses of love’s prescription linger my marriage to my certain man supposes a greater picture..not solely for physical pleasure or even mere companionship… but of fruitful intention is this bridge built…

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So when love knocks again, I’ll answer.

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©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Do I have the Grace to Begin Again?

Randomness…a candid conversation with me and My Heavenly Father…5 minutes of what it is…you’ve been warned…unedited

 

Do I have the grace to begin again?

It’s a question I ponder every now and then?

In between the meantime and his “mean” times?

Maybe to consider him gruff would be a bit too much.

I know his heart though to some he seems out of touch…

Type A definitely…me not so much…not Type B either

I just am me..that’s who I “be”…Type Nadia…but is his type ready for L.O.V.E.?

I think this heart doth protest too much…think too much…desire to speak too much…

To hear him too much…prayers to cease them…those thoughts…those confirmations of sorts…not exactly unanswered…but responded…

Why push away what you desire? Say What? Now I’m under fire?

Yes, but I told you when you are in the fire you won’t be consumed…when you pass through the waters, I will be with you…

But daughter you’re hardheaded…you still are determined to do what you do…avoiding the clues…opting for all the “to do’s” thought I told you what “to don’t”  Yet, my love will never fail so I reserved him for you as I did you for him…Both of you are stubborn! Can’t you plainly see? Your own words sealed the fate. You knew it when you wrote them and you pressed send anyway. I get it, daughter, you thought you’d use it in a great fairy tale…your life’s better than fiction because clearly, I wrote it that way…you wrote one way…he wrote the same…you thought one thing…he the same…You should know by now that two are better than one and a suitable helper must be refined for my son. His armor is rusty because you are made for each other whether you choose to submit now or later…For my purpose in your union is so much greater…Yes, you are great because you represent me…but imagine the impact you both will have…for my world to see…My glory manifest from brokenness and fatigue…failed marriages, broken hearts, and at least two missing fiances….needed to put all my dots in line…It really didn’t have to take this long…but darling it’s about time…Shine and glow as only you can…strut your stilettos as I showed you to do so many years ago…he will definitely be in the audience cheering you on…just as you are his backer without him even requesting your favor…one day soon you both will enjoy the savor of a love you both thought was dealt only to others…your similarities will help you buffer one another…so he’s not exactly your type! Need I remind you of your faulty selection process…I must tell you…I’ve too had to smooth your rough edges…So you might as well stop calling yourself a prophetic babe…you are fully aware of the price paid for false prophecy and you know that I don’t lie so why do you continue to doubt my hows and whys…Shouldn’t because I love you be enough…because I heard your cries and know that life’s been tough…You’ve worn a mask so long you thought the facade was real. Now that you refuse to compromise, I’ll introduce to you the love that is real…other than mine of course…you know contrary to popular opinion there some good men still out there…albeit a few…but Baby girl, remember I told you through my prophet before that any man won’t do!

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Privilege of the Pause

Just more random thoughts…of course unedited 😁

I’m convinced the one problem, if it could be called that, with being a visionary is finding the off switch in my mind or perhaps it is as simple as locating an appropriate landing spot for dreams to be born. As if the recording device in my brain is stuck in fast forward, I’m learning the importance of completely unplugging to catch up with myself occasionally. I’ve realized my stillness is yet my only way to hear His voice…
I make no apologies for my quick wit, my charismatic personality, or intelligence, however, life…at least this year has taught me the privilege of the pause…the necessity of delay has forced me to make use of my share of patience…and so I rest I Him alone. The white noise of “everydayness” fades to black as my surprise rises and bids me “Good mourning.” Yes in more ways than one the things and people I once thought I could not live without, I’m now able to consider the demise of what was thoroughly so…Good and Deceased…no regrets to gather…no further pain to nurse…a freedom I can only liken to that of the mockingbird’s song. I used to hate the beast how regardless of daylight or dusk, this one decided to perch just beyond my window and would ever chirp. Only recently have I understood the real reason for his song day and night really has nothing to do with his longing for a mate…Only now can I freely sing my praises ever after too…and being single isn’t my reason either…being whole is…being loved…

So my vision needed a place to lay…one where it would remain impervious to the pain of rejection…a dwelling where my will, my make-shift covering would be rendered more useless than years of experience had proven its worth had already been…again I get my cue from the birds…how even sparrows know of His all sufficiency…how they sing as I learned to do again in this process…I’m reminded that no good thing will He withhold from me…finally this daughter stands…chains broken by keys I’d held all along…again my song at midnight retrieved to lead nameless prisoners to their own freedom…I walk and doors open…because I’m beloved and now I’m glad to return the favor.

In the mean time

Disclaimer:  This is some random thought…very unedited…just came to me in about ten minutes…but words have always soothed my spirit so I’m not sure if this is an essay, spoken word, but it just is…

I’ve been considered gullible for a long time. I’m sort of ashamed to admit that now. I mean as a child, it seemed when it came to trusting people, I had all book sense and no common sense. At least that’s what my mother used to say. As I’ve grown, I realized that this supposed gullibility is my attempt at “righting” so much wrong in my world. When I think back, I can’t help but remember always being in the middle…always wanting to keep the peace…always caught between two evils that I for some reason wanted to be a part of…whether it was an argument between my mother and her sister or my mother and my great aunt or my mother and myself…I was caught…so I learned to develop a great escape…I learned to be a peace-maker…I thought that was the thing Jesus would want me to do and the thing that should be done. I lived in a perpetual “meantime” not my own…just caught wondering the maze of everyone else’s opinions and desires…not truly being happy with my own decisions or even knowing whether the decisions I made were indeed my own. I was confused and blind by a desire to be “liked” shrouded by the need to really feel love…to know love…to receive love…that love was promised but never received…talked about, but never retrieved…that love that was unconditional…not woven by whether I was wrong or right…that love not tempted by fight or flight…I wanted to be loved because it seemed I had so much to give…to be loved so much that I was willing to give…my life…my opinion…myself for any inkling in return of what resembled…what words even penciled…would be…could be…should be love…yet, as years have passed and bitterness set it’s root, one so faithful took it not moot that love could be…would be…should be unconditional…not some whimsical fairytale with picturesque memories drawn from a heart that had no chambers…no one could blame this heart had a reason to be broken…words that were unspoken and dreams were revoked and this heart had cause…unwilling to pause for a second, a moment, a chance to think that love would give glance…hadn’t love been a mere figment anyway? Hadn’t love been ripped away over and over…dragging the pieces against her will and there gasping life’s last breath love spilled…over and over and over until in the meantime she found You.

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©2015 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

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