The Beat of Forgiveness

So the other day I had a moment…of hysterics some might say…of desperation others might insist…of uncertainty and humility I admit…still so relevant is my peace…calm in this storm…helps me rejoice in the ability to slip on shoes I hadn’t worn before.

This place Am I meant to remain? Am I to go there?

Confusion has no place in this mind or heart…reminded where Christ dwells…the accuser must part.

The evil one has not been granted access.

Yet, that trickster tried. Anger was my response, but then I considered what words would I have if I had no words to utter?

How frustrated would I have been if I couldn’t offer cover?

Due unto others…the thing I’d want done, but what if my only reference be that of a Son?

Would I dare understand, how desperate his desire is to escape…The complex thrust upon him against his will…Would I be so willing to foot the bill?

Kindness squandered as so many had done to me before, I imagine he and I share this plague…so grieved…grieve I might…like mine years of fighting taught his  heart to prefer flight…reasoning through depressive feats without strength to muster…I suppose I too would choose not to trust her…or be loved…or be liked…or be satisfied or be fulfilled…yet, he still wonders is forgiveness for me from she an option…have I failed already because my mind’s concocted all sorts of blame and irresponsibilities that mirror too many I’ve seen before…too many disappointments met at love’s door…too close what his mother bore…a choice made…stay comfortable in my discomforting bubble…amid my kind of trouble…that which I am King…for too long I’d forgotten my Center…yet expected to mentor…and counsel he has…forgive quickly…don’t allow a bitter seed take root…examine their fruit…observe their motives.. ask God and stop reading books to decide if with her you are to reside…if with him you can let go of your pride…your shame…your mistakes…two as one…nakedness a must…no masks no make up…but God and trust…circumstances cloudy…storms back to back…clipping your wings is only temporary…a must if one intends to marry…consistent humility and honest conversation…friendship bonded without hesitation…but still cold hands can’t feel what’s been placed there…is it then even received? A heart thawed still bleeds…but what sound does it make when tragedy dines without invitation…the thump proceeds without jubilation…skipping its good intention…thrown off course…advice with feelings is of no recourse. So I must lay to rest my sanctified imagination…and love still…though from a distance…my best way to resist… a complicated situation…to be sure and eradicate this infatuation…angry no…thought I thought I might be. So I questioned My Father…how can I explain what my heart and mind has allowed in consensus? An answer upon  waking, ” Good morning daughter, welcome to the beat of forgiveness.”

©2017 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

He’s My Pace Maker

I can’t forget the day my friend collapsed at work. I was ready for my 15 minutes of freedom, but an area manager stopped me at the break room door and shooed me away without a word.  But it was already too late.  I’d already seen her.

I backed up, turned, and followed the wall for my place. I rested my forehead there as I attempted to salvage the precious minutes remaining in prayer.

I was interrupted.

My desire had been a prayer of healing, but my attention was diverted by the passing gurney.   Sandwiched between two paramedics, it’s destination had been where I’d just been I’d just been forbidden.  There was no rush. As if reaching her didn’t matter, their stride wasn’t even a leisure jog. They took their time. Immediately my mind and prayer shifted to what my mind had already confirmed the moment I laid eyes on who used to be my friend so  I prayed for her children to make it without her. I prayed especially for her son who had just gone to the prom and was the youngest.

She was in her early forties…

Today, I remembered her words about her son just months before that fateful day.  “Ooh, I don’t know what my son is going to do without me?”  I wasn’t aware then of the condition of her heart.  Later, I discovered that she had become ill because she was taking on too much. I was sick when the news was of her passing because I considered her one of my spiritual mentors.  She sat two seats away and she kept my mind uplifted with many stories of God’s grace regularly.  I’ve held the events of that day in the back of mind for a log time. I miss her still, but what happened to her and the devestation that transpired in her home without her has concerned me a lot more lately.

Though not manifested physically, remembering the circumstances of my friend’s premature passing led me to consider the impact stress has had on my own heart.   I’d allowed my circumstances to harden it so instead of getting closer to my Father…I was further than ever.  Thankfully, God’s given me an offer I can’t refuse. I realize I cannot fix my heart alone so I’ve submitted myself to the Great Physician. Since my life and the lives of my children depend on the condition of my heart, I’m grateful that God is my pace-maker.

©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

It’s In There!

 

Out of the heart, the mouth speaks

Those words and the constant chirp of my alarm met me too early this morning.  I hit snooze anyway.

“It’s in there” bombarded my mind.  I lugged myself out of bed and gave the Lord a brief shout out before making it… those same words crept in again.

Maybe God was trying to tell me something.

As I made my bed, my bible plopped open to a highlighted passage, 2 Corinthians 13:5.

Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith.

I considered it random.

I sort of understood that scripture, but I was more concerned with the “Out of the mouth speaks” thing…

You see I couldn’t understand why the Lord would send me there when I knew I’d been praying to get a grip on my tongue.  I mean what’s faith got to do with keeping my mouth in check anyway, right?

Well, when I got to work, I did some digging and found what I thought I needed in Luke 6:45.

A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.

That’s when it clicked!  “It’s in There!”

No not about the pasta sauce

I needed to examine myself.

I admit I’m not proud of my findings, but this truth has indeed set me free.  I discovered that a lot of my hang ups, slip ups, and so-called mistakes of the tongue were actually intentional.

Gasp!

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Yep….that’s right on purpose!

convicted

Yeah, I’d “slip” and quickly spout, “Oh Lord forgive me” or “I didn’t mean to say that.”

Yet, I’d been feeding myself a line of BULL…

poop

I’m so thankful for God’s grace! All the while, I’d been praying for God to fix my tongue…I even blamed my “mistakes” on that Freudian slip stuff, but God showed me my problem had absolutely nothing to do with my tongue…albeit an accomplice, it wasn’t the main culprit.

He reminded me how just a few years ago, refraining from cursing or losing my temper wasn’t an issue, it was a norm…so what changed?

Then I trusted the Lord with my whole heart. Yet, recently some of my decisions have led me to think I could take better care of my heart than God I suppose. I would not have admitted that before today. Now, with it broken, I understand that the best condition for my heart is in My Father’s hands because He alone knows what’s in there!

Broken_heart_love_19

 

©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.