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Better Not Bitter

Responding God's Way to Life's Challenges

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healing

So I didn’t cry

I expected that I would because there have been times when the silliest things get me emotional, but I didn’t.

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As I rolled onto the parking lot and observed the familiar scene I wondered how long had the apartment community had that name.  It had since changed, but the address remained the same. I saw cars parked in front of the dwelling I once shared with a man who broke more than my nose when he punched me.

I’d hoped the area was condemned somehow…I didn’t want to think that another soul could possibly live comfortably in a place that I’d known only as hell on earth.  Then I imagined the place where I live now and wondered had there too been “incidents” that were merely covered up with fresh paint and new carpets.  Flashes of the scene remained vivid as I considered parking there.  I kept going.  I drove further around back surveying the area…attempting to gather if there were any possible way I could have been able to escape it had I just moved faster that night.

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There would have been nowhere to hide with a 4 year old and 6 month old in tow.  I was trapped and considering the what ifs and maybes are pointless now.  Still, I tried to do just that. Minutes later I was in front of the old mail center.  That night I had actually considered that place an option.  Still it was wide open, but I considered perhaps he was not smart enough to look there because it was in the opposite direction.  So I parked again and snapped a picture.  Perhaps the dark of night would have covered me and my children then after all.  No, how could it have done so?  That night started for us before the clock made night evident….Daylight Savings Time worked against us all that evening.  Night came too late to hide. Yet, when it arrived finally, that was the time when I longed for daylight…any light.  Even the blue lights failed me.  Six rings the 2nd call to 911 before bloodshed.  Less than 2 miles from the police precinct, yet he arrived before they did.  I could be angry with law enforcement and in retrospect, I suppose for a long while I was, but…

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Even as I type these words, I still haven’t shed a tear…I’m actually sitting here smiling.  And no it’s not because I know that the perpetrator is behind bars.  In fact, that was only a recent development and discovery.  He was never convicted for my assault.  It actually makes my heart ache for his soul.  He’s in jail for a separate crime.  Aggravated rape and assault.  I suppose old habits die hard for some indeed.

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I could take this time to cry for the other victims that came after my attack, but I won’t.  My run for my life was for my life…so no I did not testify…I disappeared and started over with the clothes on my back…I surmised at the time that I had a right to be selfish with my testimony…God was patient with me.

He allowed me the time to hold my testimony to myself for 12 years…I bled long enough so as He leads…I’ll share…as He prepares I’ll bear…

I have no reason to cry anymore…I’m not wounded…It doesn’t hurt, but not because I’m numb…I haven’t cried because I forgave

©2015 Nadia Davis.  All Rights Reserved.

Breathe Easy-Take Off Your Mask

I really have never been fond of wearing a lot of make up…especially in the summer…for those ladies who have naturally oily skin like I do…it’s a nightmare…However, for years I have covered myself with the stuff…I know my worth, but covering perceived  physical flaws are so much easier to address than the emotional ones I suppose.

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Since make up can’t cover internal issues, I opted for a mask instead. That was my norm for too long.

Yet, afraid that my vulnerability would cause rejection, I used to clam up.  Fear prevented me from being fully open to God and people.  I thought I was protecting my life, but I was dying inside.

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I’m glad God allowed me the grace to address those other issues because now I really could care less whether someone rejects me for being me or not.  I actually consider their rejection of me their loss.  Granted,  I still have a few reservations I am working through, but I can breath so much easier focusing more on who God’s called me to be rather than faking the part to gain popularity with people. Continue reading “Breathe Easy-Take Off Your Mask”

The Rest really is up to You!

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Believe it or not there are some people out there who are so overwhelmingly positive that if you put a stick of dynamite in their Kool-aid, their response would be something like, ” What colorful fireworks!”

Well I know envy is not an attribute I want to advocate here so let’s just say that I admire those folk. Better yet, I used to be one of those folk.  At least a few years ago it seemed that would have been a good way to describe my attitude towards life anyway.

So this morning I’m up pondering yet again, how do I get back there?

…Back to a time when the encouragement I shared with others kept me primed for the next opportunity to witness…what happened to the real me?

…that me who God called…the one who actually gained energy from being a little peculiar…the one who wasn’t afraid to be the minority right in a crowd of so much wrong…

Somewhere along the way, I got tired….or as I’ve joked TIDE!

Yes, over the years I’ve gotten tired of all the looks from people who don’t know me but outwardly judge me because of my ability to smile when others are complaining.  I suppose I grew tired of the feeling of being pulled by every arm to do stuff as if I were the only one who possessed 8 of them.  Indeed, I got tired of being a mother who did it all only to be underappreciated.  I even grew tired of church folk so at times Beside Baptist was my preferred venue for worship on Sunday mornings.

Yet, after heading to bed at midnight and waking at 3:47 am with this post on my heart, I realized I really have no reason to be tired at all.  Awaken by that still, small voice, the way I had been in years passed before dawn and before my alarm clock could catch up, I smiled at the realization that yes, He did it again!

God allowed me to get knocked down to a place so low that only He could give me the strength to get up.  I’d be lying if I said the events that have taken place in the last 24 hours have been anything short of devastating, but I’m thankful that I was so lovingly reminded today that the rest really is up to me.

I’m thankful God placed it on my pastor’s heart to start a series about the elusive rest I’d once possessed so effortlessly.  After a great series on balance, I needed to be reminded of how I can rest in God’s presence. I thought I was there in service because in spite of the things I’d faced recently, I had come to realize why I’d been so tired.  It was simple!

I needed more of HIM!

Dear Gracious Lord,

Thank You for reminding me that You love me just for being Your child… that no person on earth could ever give me the kind of love that You give me everyday.  Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes and survive them.  Thank you for blessing me with gifts to encourage others. Thank you for mending my broken heart.  Thank you for preparing me for who You have for me. Help me not to take over in the process. Help me to patiently wait on Your choice for me.  Thank you for allowing him to come into the picture only when we both are ready for that step.  Help me not to allow the pain in this moment punish who You’ve designed for me.  Thank You for provision and direction.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

 

©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow His Lead or Get Bitter Results

Boy have I had the time of my life on this little roller coaster, LITERALLY! No I haven’t gone to the fair yet…that’s scheduled for this weekend, but I mean this Emotional One I’ve been riding for way too long.

Methinks tis time to exit this ride!

 

images (38)  Had a Shakespeare moment!

Have you ever felt like you’ve met “The One” and it would seem that all the stars were aligned and your heart skips a beat when you think of them and then

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LIFE HAPPENS! I mean despite you “knowing” that he or she is “that elusive one,” for whatever reason when you finally grasp the courage to step up to the plate, things just don’t quite add up and you’re left wondering 

Wha Happened??????????????????????????????????????

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Well, for the ladies…sorry guys…if you’re like me…Singleness has the tendency to encourage an addiction to romantic comedies.  Even as I type this I’m realizing how that sounds, but I admit, I’m no hopeless romantic!

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Regardless, I’ve realized today…okay I really realized this weekend that perhaps, therein lies the problem! I guess I can only talk for myself, but I work with mostly women so I’ve heard similar stories, perused other blogs, and it seems the name of the game remains the same:

UNMET EXPECTATIONS=DISAPPOINTMENT

While I’ve been relatively disappointed at times with the way things have gone up and down relationally, this weekend I’ve come to one major conclusion: I’m Impatient!

Now I’d made up my mind a long time ago that when I chose to be chosen again I’d follow where God led me. That makes sense, right?

Sure it does.  Well, I prayed about it for a LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGG TIME and my prayers were answered about a year ago. Only, somewhere between me reuniting with my Joseph and my present, I forgot all about the reasons I prayed for him in the first place.

I got looped into this “romantic comedy fantasy of “shoulds.”  That is, I was so completely clueless about “dating again” that I allowed my mind to drift back to what I’d seen and heard “boyfriends” should do and say.  Therefore my expectations were skewed from the start.  Let’s face it, I’d learned enough from my past that friendship, trust, and mutual respect were non-negotiable, but when it came to taking things to the next level, I was all thumbs….and even now I’m still a bit fuzzy.

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It really makes no sense to me because when we were just friends, I could go anywhere with him, talk to him, joke with him, and laugh with him without later feeling self-conscious about whether I “said that” or “did that” right?  It didn’t matter because I didn’t care.  It’s not that I valued his opinion of me any less. Rather I just was so at ease when I was with him that I knew he’d accept me regardless of my flaws.  In fact, when either of us so-called “did or said something wrong” it made our time together that more hilarious!

We had a running joke for years on the days I wore my ever-faithful ponytail…apparently I was the only one at work that didn’t have a sewn-in…of course I’m not hating…you be you and I’ll be me…never had a need for weave thanks to my Cherokee roots!

I digress…anyway…truefriends

In my mind and heart for the past few months, I’ve battled within myself to get back to that place with him only to realize that I’m the one who left it in the first place. In retrospect, he hadn’t changed. His quirky sense of humor was the main reason I enjoyed his company.  It was his somewhat annoyingly comical personality that won my heart before I even knew I’d want to give him permission to handle it.

Now I’m stuck with the reality that the way I’ve been the last few weeks with my all in one minute/scared away the next minute antics has him just as clueless about how I truly feel about him as I’d been at the beginning of this endeavor because I allowed a superficial list of ideals set me up for failure….talk about listening to wrong advice.  I should have listened to my heart right after I listened to God whisper, “He’s my son too”

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Go figure…I’d asked for a Godly man…a good father for my children, and a friend wrapped into one, but it never occurred to me until now that God was on his side too…that just maybe, I had the potential to hurt him, but that God loved him as much as he loved me so He’d chosen to protect his heart as well.  Yes, I realize that given some of the hurts and hurdles I’ve had to overcome, the challenge to “get there” has been daunting…

…So I tried to rush things. I made assumptions.  I fell prey to the “shoulds” of a society that…let’s face it…otherwise, I am completely at odds with…so lately I’ve had to ask myself,

“Why can’t I be myself around him anymore?”

“Why do I find it necessary to always wear make up when I see him?”(as if he hadn’t seen me on my worst day before)

“Why do I feel the need to consider what others will say over what I feel?”

WHY?WHY?WHY?

Because I started out listening to God advice and ended up following my own…I’d failed to realize that God had already reassured me what and who was for me is for me…that He had already authored the end of my story and that every plot twist had been meticulously constructed with both His children’s best interest in mind. Somewhere in the mix, I got selfish…I went ahead of God, went forward and was stuck with bitter water…so now I’ve gone back to My Father and asked for His advice…His word stung as it healed.

2 Kings 2:18 New Living Translation (NLT)

18b “Didn’t I tell you not to go?” he asked.

I admit now that before last weekend…everything in me said don’t go there…delays occurred on both ends, but I was stubborn and did what I wanted to do.

I am grateful for God’s mercy though because like the followers in the text, I looked at the potential and decided to move forward although He’d told me to wait. Yes, this morning, I recalled that the Lord sent me to Ruth 3:18 a couple months ago. Since that time, I dissected that scripture many times, but I never did the obvious. I never waited.  So this morning, I repented and surmised again that God alone knows my end from my beginning.  He alone knows the desires of my heart even when I refuse to admit them.

So while I still enjoy my romantic comedy marathons and I can’t readily erase all the stuff I’ve read about couple “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” I’ve learned to rely on a far greater source for my relational advice from now on.  I’ve learned I have the hopeful expectation that He will do me good in my future.  Otherwise I could end up in the right place at the wrong time.

When I consider the consequences of all the wrong advice I’ve followed so far, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take again.

©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

 

Roll On

I’ve never been much of a sports enthusiast, but when I was a child, I loved to roller skate.  I had my share of falls, but after the first one, I knew I did not like them.

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That’s plausible right?

I mean who purposely engages in something hoping to get hurt?

…Nobody in their right mind, right?  

Well, I used to think that was true until I saw one of those “out of her mind people” staring back at me from my bedroom mirror.

Yep, somewhere between adolescence and adulthood as my love of skating waned, my ‘right mind’ vacated with it…in matters of the heart anyway.

Fast forward a couple decades…I’ve decided to take advice from my former self.

You see when I was eight, I didn’t care that I’d gotten a few scratches and scars. I’d fall, dust myself off, and if I wasn’t bleeding, roll on!  I refused to just sit there and cry!

Okay, I was eight so maybe I shed some tears, especially when I bashed my knee to the white meat, but even in those instances, my sob fest only lasted minutes.

My point is this.  We all make mistakes in life and especially in love, but is that any reason to wallow in the pain of yesterday? No, not really. So you’ve fallen down a few times, you may even feel that you’ve been pushed down a few others…are you going to allow what you can’t change keep you from enjoying the rest of your life?

Yes, some wounds and scars are inevitable, but the difference between them is that scars don’t hurt anymore.  So stop picking the scabs, heal, and roll on!

©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Pushing Past the Pain

Today, I was reminded of a note I’d written a couple years ago on Facebook about healing…I felt compelled to share it again for those who may be experiencing pain, whether physical or emotional so please check out that link.  God is still a healer. I’m the proof…not only have I been healed of the physical pain that had me depressed and nearly debilitated a few years ago, but I would have never had the courage or desire to start this blog otherwise. I thank God for the reminder.

Prayer in this Moment:

Hey Daddy,

I thank You for loving me in spite of everything You know about me. Thank You for teaching me to love myself as You do. Thank You for allowing me to make mistakes so that I could remember how much I need You in every part of my life. You have provided an endless source of comfort and healing in my body, mind, and heart. In Your son’s matchless name, I pray.

Love Your Doting Daughter,

Hope Beloved

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