Posts Tagged ‘desire’

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I’ve been contemplating a request that had been made of me for a while.  I shared my thoughts with a trusted friend and he advised that I ensure that the call was more than a mere desire…that it was an actual call from God….

Over the years, I’ve discovered a few things about my name.  I knew that it meant hope, but about 5 or 6 years ago, I was given the opportunity to look up my name’s meaning in Sunday School class as we all were instructed.

Sure, Hope was there and right beside it was this:

One called by God.

You would think that in that instant, I would come running to the Lord requesting how I can be of service…yet something very different occurred.  Well, this morning I decided that I was no longer going to do things my way….so I emailed my friend this long response…Of course I have edited some things, but in those 5 minutes, I knew all the more that I had a responsibility to God’s call to offer an Earnest Reply…

Dear…

I have considered it. And while it might seem that it has been matter of days since our conversation on the subject, I’ve been having the conversation with God for years. Except, I am perfectly honest, my role has been more like Jonah and Gideon the majority of this trek. When I speak about Christ and see the impact on others, I get energized. And by no means do I mean my input because I know that the Holy Spirit works within me at times when I’m led to speak to individuals about Him. I know that all the information I’ve read has nothing to do with what I can regurgitate at a given moment. My memory is not that good! I do know that I had to see for myself if I was indeed doing what He wanted me to do by at least visiting. Of course I have no money so I prayed that if this is the route He wants me to take, He has to make a way in the desert. So far things He has provided have done just what I should have expected all along. He’s connecting the dots so well I can see the picture more clearly and I’m excited. I mean I can go 48 hours with no sleep…be exhausted…which was my lot the other night with my friend who is struggling in her faith…yet, when I began explaining to her the relationship that I have with Christ and how He’s done so much in spite of the outside, I was energized all over again. I know that this is why I’ve haven’t received another job with a neatly corporate cubicle. I’m not meant to be there…not stuck behind a computer unless I’m connecting with someone out there who is hurting a little less because of something I’m led to share. That’s been my main focus from the beginning with regard to writing books, encouraging others, uplifting hurting people…I don’t hope to have some mega church someday, yet, I already know that God has promised me that my contributions will lead to thousands if not millions getting to know Him better. That’s my goal again. I had lost sight of it a while thinking about what I needed to do to make it work…make it prosperous by the world’s standards…clothes, money…but that stuff has never really appealed to me…well, at least not as an adult. I mean I love Michael Kors and other designers, but over the years, I’m grateful for God allowing me to notice something as simple as a bumble bee settling on a nearby rose. The simple things are what I crave and what I desire. So while I’ve considered the difference of the call and my desire, I conclude the two are interchangeable. I cannot separate one from the other as I finally realize what it means to have the desires of my heart…that I’m content in the cold and dark or in a warm home to call my own…that my desires have been steadily transformed to appreciate My God’s presence so much more than His presents. I know this is long and before I began typing I had no idea I would say all that, but that’s what I’m talking about…when I write about My Father it just flows….

I guess I should get to the second part finally, huh? Well, The institution is requesting that I provide three references and one of which is a lay reference form. While you are a minister and I have known you a short time, I still consider you a friend. I would appreciate it if you are able to fill out the form and either give it to me Sunday or send it. I apologize for the late notice because I know you’re very busy.

Oh…and since I did write all this out…don’t be surprised if you see most of this information on my blog…minus the names of course….Oh and if it’s not obvious that I’m in a better mood…no things haven’t exactly gotten better on the financial or circumstantial aspects…In fact, I just received word that my home is Little Rock has been accelerated into foreclosure and my neighbor informed me that someone was in my house and it’s likely that my furniture is gone…so I guess I was more accurate than I thought when I said that God is me starting over from scratch, but I’m still all smiles. …Okay I’m done….long winded aren’t I? LOL…Have a blessed one…See you Sunday!

Warm Regards,

Nadia L. Davis,

Boy have I had the time of my life on this little roller coaster, LITERALLY! No I haven’t gone to the fair yet…that’s scheduled for this weekend, but I mean this Emotional One I’ve been riding for way too long.

Methinks tis time to exit this ride!

 

images (38)  Had a Shakespeare moment!

Have you ever felt like you’ve met “The One” and it would seem that all the stars were aligned and your heart skips a beat when you think of them and then

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LIFE HAPPENS! I mean despite you “knowing” that he or she is “that elusive one,” for whatever reason when you finally grasp the courage to step up to the plate, things just don’t quite add up and you’re left wondering 

Wha Happened??????????????????????????????????????

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Well, for the ladies…sorry guys…if you’re like me…Singleness has the tendency to encourage an addiction to romantic comedies.  Even as I type this I’m realizing how that sounds, but I admit, I’m no hopeless romantic!

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Regardless, I’ve realized today…okay I really realized this weekend that perhaps, therein lies the problem! I guess I can only talk for myself, but I work with mostly women so I’ve heard similar stories, perused other blogs, and it seems the name of the game remains the same:

UNMET EXPECTATIONS=DISAPPOINTMENT

While I’ve been relatively disappointed at times with the way things have gone up and down relationally, this weekend I’ve come to one major conclusion: I’m Impatient!

Now I’d made up my mind a long time ago that when I chose to be chosen again I’d follow where God led me. That makes sense, right?

Sure it does.  Well, I prayed about it for a LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGG TIME and my prayers were answered about a year ago. Only, somewhere between me reuniting with my Joseph and my present, I forgot all about the reasons I prayed for him in the first place.

I got looped into this “romantic comedy fantasy of “shoulds.”  That is, I was so completely clueless about “dating again” that I allowed my mind to drift back to what I’d seen and heard “boyfriends” should do and say.  Therefore my expectations were skewed from the start.  Let’s face it, I’d learned enough from my past that friendship, trust, and mutual respect were non-negotiable, but when it came to taking things to the next level, I was all thumbs….and even now I’m still a bit fuzzy.

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It really makes no sense to me because when we were just friends, I could go anywhere with him, talk to him, joke with him, and laugh with him without later feeling self-conscious about whether I “said that” or “did that” right?  It didn’t matter because I didn’t care.  It’s not that I valued his opinion of me any less. Rather I just was so at ease when I was with him that I knew he’d accept me regardless of my flaws.  In fact, when either of us so-called “did or said something wrong” it made our time together that more hilarious!

We had a running joke for years on the days I wore my ever-faithful ponytail…apparently I was the only one at work that didn’t have a sewn-in…of course I’m not hating…you be you and I’ll be me…never had a need for weave thanks to my Cherokee roots!

I digress…anyway…truefriends

In my mind and heart for the past few months, I’ve battled within myself to get back to that place with him only to realize that I’m the one who left it in the first place. In retrospect, he hadn’t changed. His quirky sense of humor was the main reason I enjoyed his company.  It was his somewhat annoyingly comical personality that won my heart before I even knew I’d want to give him permission to handle it.

Now I’m stuck with the reality that the way I’ve been the last few weeks with my all in one minute/scared away the next minute antics has him just as clueless about how I truly feel about him as I’d been at the beginning of this endeavor because I allowed a superficial list of ideals set me up for failure….talk about listening to wrong advice.  I should have listened to my heart right after I listened to God whisper, “He’s my son too”

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Go figure…I’d asked for a Godly man…a good father for my children, and a friend wrapped into one, but it never occurred to me until now that God was on his side too…that just maybe, I had the potential to hurt him, but that God loved him as much as he loved me so He’d chosen to protect his heart as well.  Yes, I realize that given some of the hurts and hurdles I’ve had to overcome, the challenge to “get there” has been daunting…

…So I tried to rush things. I made assumptions.  I fell prey to the “shoulds” of a society that…let’s face it…otherwise, I am completely at odds with…so lately I’ve had to ask myself,

“Why can’t I be myself around him anymore?”

“Why do I find it necessary to always wear make up when I see him?”(as if he hadn’t seen me on my worst day before)

“Why do I feel the need to consider what others will say over what I feel?”

WHY?WHY?WHY?

Because I started out listening to God advice and ended up following my own…I’d failed to realize that God had already reassured me what and who was for me is for me…that He had already authored the end of my story and that every plot twist had been meticulously constructed with both His children’s best interest in mind. Somewhere in the mix, I got selfish…I went ahead of God, went forward and was stuck with bitter water…so now I’ve gone back to My Father and asked for His advice…His word stung as it healed.

2 Kings 2:18 New Living Translation (NLT)

18b “Didn’t I tell you not to go?” he asked.

I admit now that before last weekend…everything in me said don’t go there…delays occurred on both ends, but I was stubborn and did what I wanted to do.

I am grateful for God’s mercy though because like the followers in the text, I looked at the potential and decided to move forward although He’d told me to wait. Yes, this morning, I recalled that the Lord sent me to Ruth 3:18 a couple months ago. Since that time, I dissected that scripture many times, but I never did the obvious. I never waited.  So this morning, I repented and surmised again that God alone knows my end from my beginning.  He alone knows the desires of my heart even when I refuse to admit them.

So while I still enjoy my romantic comedy marathons and I can’t readily erase all the stuff I’ve read about couple “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” I’ve learned to rely on a far greater source for my relational advice from now on.  I’ve learned I have the hopeful expectation that He will do me good in my future.  Otherwise I could end up in the right place at the wrong time.

When I consider the consequences of all the wrong advice I’ve followed so far, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take again.

©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

 

Okay I admit….I’ve been still struggling with road rage….the last few weeks hasn’t been easy and the other day, I went off….The ironic thing is that earlier that day, I’d read the passage from Our Daily Bread about how a “so-called” courteous driver allowed another driver in front of him and because the receiving driver didn’t nod or wave, the other one kind of went berserk!  When I finished reading it, I remember thinking how completely unnecessary his actions were.  Yet, I succumbed to the same idiocy not an hour later!  What’s worse is that my 11 year old daughter bore witness to my antics…

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So…if I may explain...

I was attempting to exit I-630 right in the middle of a hard-hat war zone…the woman in the car to my right was cruising in my blind spot and was attempting to do the opposite.  I saw her so I guess she wasn’t really in my blind spot, but she was obviously not paying attention to me.  Anyway…she nearly side-swiped me with a quick left and my mouth followed suit…let’s just say I had a moment…

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…Not a good one, but still a moment.  Immediately I said, ” I need to get in the word” My daughter responded, almost sighing, “We all do, but I think you need to eat the whole bible!”  She was laughing when she said it, but clearly the last few minutes had been no laughing matter.

Years ago, the Lord showed me that cursing was beneath me and as if some light bulb was ignited, I just sort of stopped doing it.  Along with the urge to curse, went my tendency to gossip (yes people, listening to it counts too), and my desire to argue.  I also no longer cared for the “liquid courage” that held me captive for years either so what happened?  As soon as I thought the question, the answer came to mind…

… I knew that James said it but didn’t know where.  Arriving home, I felt horrible for two reasons.

#1 I felt like I’d failed God. 

#2 I felt like I’d failed my daughter.

So reluctantly I peeled back the pages to reveal the truth I avoided for so long…

James 3:9-11(NLV)

Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?

You see, I started writing this post early last week but I filed it away half-finished…
 
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I’ve done that a lot lately.
 
 
When that pinch of conviction hurt too much or when I realized I didn’t have it all together, I voluntarily pushed the words God put in my mouth aside because I didn’t like the taste of them.
 
Well yesterday at work I was forced to eat those words anyway…call after call…I was reminded of what I needed to do.  At least 4 calls in a row were prayer requests.
 
  • One guy called saying that he and his wife struggled with prioritizing and that he seemed too busy for regular time with God…my prayer for him included a reminder that prayer is merely a conversation with God…that we should MAKE the time for Him…
  • A mother wanted her relationship with her son and her mother to improve…she was seeking approval for the way she’d been handling things.
  • A wife called pleading for improved communication with her husband…
  • Still another woman mentioned a portion of a verse that hit home…She said she knows the enemy must flee if she resists him.  Immediately I corrected her stating, “so many of us get that verse wrong.  It says that we are first to submit to God, resist the devil, and he must flee!”

I know now that I was not speaking on my own authority or my own thoughts. Who was I to judge?  I know now that the Holy Spirit was leading me to assist them while assisting myself.

 
 
By the end of the day I was humbled.  I realized my prayers for those anonymous callers had become my own.
 
 
So yes, I’ve been hesitant lately.  I’ve not posted as often because of my “own issues” but God again reassured that my transparency sets others free too.  Despite cringing under the conviction that I too had some adjustments to make,
I’m grateful for His reminder that over time I’d been taking in too much “junk” and not feasting on His word like I used to…He graciously pointed out that the difference between me and a none believer SHOULD be evident…that my spiritual physique should be void of bitterness, cursing,  and doubt.
 

John 16:13 (NLT)

13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future.

I’ve always known that too much junk food negatively affects the physical body, but, now I also know the same is true for my spiritual body.  So the past aside, I’m re-learning to be a picky eater.

 
 ©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

 
 

At work, I’m often intrigued and sometimes even a bit disturbed by the tenacity of some of our constituents.  Today, I spoke with a woman whose comments initiated the latter.  She called in response to our broadcast and immediately went into a tangent of how she has a business that has been going down for years and she did not want to end the business because she is an honest and godly person. She went on to say she needed advice.

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After she took a breath, I responded telling her that while we do not offer counseling over the phone, we have E-mentoring available. That’s when she broke in again stating that she had no access unless she went to a library. She then again went onto to say how she knew that what she was doing is good and again began spouting off the name of her “singing act” whereby she said she ministers to nursing homes in her area. The way she said it was as if she “needed my approval.”

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Again she took a breath and I seized the chance…I offered prayer, but not before reiterating I was no counselor. She agreed. As I began, the Lord brought to mind the story of Paul when he desired to revisit all the cities he’d preached in before.  I recalled how he mentioned the Holy Spirit would not allow him to go to Asia on at least two occasions…that his service was needed elsewhere instead. After that second attempt, Paul had his vision that help was needed in Macedonia.  Obedient to the Holy Spirit, Paul went. Regardless, Paul did what he had to do.

For those a little fuzzy about the specifics of the journey, the story is detailed in Acts 15:36-16:15.

Leaving Barnabas behind this time, Paul and Silas felt compelled to take an alternate route. They ended up going through the place they originally had planned to go around.

Of course, I didn’t share the specifics of this story in my prayer but bits and pieces came to mind as I interceded on her behalf.

As I prayed, at one point I must have mentioned something about allowing “her to accept Your will” even if it’s against what “she wants to do”…She interrupted the prayer and stated, “I don’t want to do that!” loudly and then began mumbling some other words similar to her original protest. After I closed the prayer…she continued her rant, except stating that she was continuing her prayer, but it was as if she was demanding that her business thrive…that she is praying for “going in” and not “going out.”

I realize that prayer is communication with God and we all communicate differently, but I couldn’t help but wonder where was her reverence?

Now, I applaud her fervor, but I felt like that portion was so not “right.”  I’m not judging her heart because I can’t, but neither can I sit by and agree with what I felt in my heart was wrong. I concluded our call and immediately began re-reading the account of Paul for clarity in my own life.  There had to be another reason that her words were so unsettling to me. Then it hit me! Before ending the call, the lady said, “The Lord knows what I want, and I want to sing!”

One might think that her words were words of faith, but the Holy Spirit showed me otherwise. Those words were of selfish disobedience.

You see I know that because I could identify with them myself….even today…prior to receiving her call, I’d been going through old emails I’d received from our music ministry with song selections.  I’d actually been compiling a spreadsheet of all the songs and artists with the intent of putting my own little organized choir book together so that when I returned to the choir, I’d be ready like I had been before I realized my commitment to that ministry had waned.

I like, Paul, wanted to revisit the places where I’d ministered before.

I, like Paul, wanted to be prepared with a spirit of excellence.

Yet, like this lady who I reluctantly identified with, I wanted to sing too… always have since age 4, so why was I not at peace even as I meticulously typed my little list of songs and artists?

Wasn’t being prepared a good thing? Wasn’t wanting to minister in this way the thing God knew I wanted to do?

Yes, God knows all about me as He does the young lady I spoke with this morning. However, I imagine by her comments, she like I have known for a few years our calling now is elsewhere.  For me I know that God wants me to minister with my written words,  but I hadn’t been as obedient as Paul.  You see as soon as Paul had no peace about his decision to go his way, he changed it in accordance with the Holy Spirit’s leading.  It actually took me almost 2 years to even get a clue as to why things were not meshing together in my life as they had before.

After getting off the phone with the lady, I found myself grieving….but not just for her… for myself as well.

Yet. my grief dissipated as I examined the scripture further.  I didn’t smile because I knew how Paul’s story ended, rather,  at the end of the 6th verse the words “at this time” gave me peace.  They reassured me that God didn’t give me a gift he didn’t want me to use, rather He gave me many to use at specific times and places.  So yeah, I may want to sing, but I’ve been called elsewhere this season and that’s okay with me!

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©2014 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.