How Do You Not KNOW what you NEED?

It seems a fairly simple question…one I said to myself in frustration today while speaking with a patient about her refill…however, perhaps she was more right than I.

Her words, “You see what I’m taking right? You tell me what I need to refill.”

I expect someone who takes the same medication on a regular basis to know what he or she needs. Yet, time and time again I find that is not the case. Most of the time, they are looking to me to tell them what they need.

Perhaps my frustration would be more at bay with them if I change the lens with which I judge. Perhaps the lens should be a mirror and turned in my direction instead.

As I have attempted to explore the recesses of my heart today, I realize that I really don’t know what I need either.

Like her, I don’t want the necessary components of my heart clogged with debris past mistakes left behind. Like her, I want my heart to be healthy. Yet, while I’ve been presented with the opportunity to have my heart in better condition than it has ever been, confusion over whether my understanding of my feelings were premature…whether I’d allowed my imagination to spend too much time beyond the pages of my novels…so I find myself stagnant.  All the issues…the stress…the residue…the film threatens to coax me back into the reclusive state I once guarded with my life…

So I too found myself making the obvious request of God, “You see what I am taking…what I am going through…what I have been through…Tell me what I need to get refilled.”

I know what I want and I know what I don’t want.

I want to be adored. I want to be heard. I want someone to really tune into me and not with a motive to fix me.

On the call, someone in her background echoed all I’d told this patient. However, I suppose hearing the advice from a familiar voice made her more aware that she was already on track.

Yes, she too had a long list of issues and an even longer list of remedies prescribed to heal her heart and mind. Yet, by the end of that encounter, we both discovered something awesome.  The list no longer mattered.   I told her in the beginning of the call what she needed yet, she insisted on going through naming all these remediesshe thought she needed…yet those are now irrelevant to her condition. In the end, I requested what she needed…what had been  prescribed…what had been prepared and waiting for her to settle down, shut up, and trust the process…

So in my frustration with the patient I still found my need to listen more closely to what really transpired….yes, I had taken a lot over time….my list of issues was long….but all of that no longer applies…I was broken by love and lost and I allowed the wrong people and things to stress me out to the point of fatigue…but that didn’t apply anymore either…I attempted to make a request that had already been answered…so my request was unnecessary…That said, I guess I do know how you can not know what you need…It is entirely possible if you don’t listen and pay attention to the one who knows better the first time.

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