I hadn’t had to use an inhaler for years, but last night I couldn’t breathe…or so I thought. In retrospect, I understand that the last time I really took a breath was longer ago than I care to remember. I suppose I had gotten used to inhaling the toxicity of my yesterdays and so when I was introduced with the freshness of the air I’ve encountered lately, my lungs…no my heart…didn’t know exactly what to do with itself…with myself…with my new norm…
At 1 am I was awakened and it became clear that I should just breathe…that being served is not a crime and that I’d been groomed for this role for at least nine years…hmmm…nine equals harvest…Harvest equals hard work….Harvest equals Heart Work…God has had me in spiritual boot camp and all the while I assumed it was to strengthen me for battle, but the reality is that He was using the issues I’ve faced to weaken me for Worship. I realized the other night at the No Regrets Conference that my best and truest form before my Father and even before others is weakness…that I not only accept that which I cannot do in my own strength, but that I use the pain of my past to fuel my purpose in my present. It is in my weakness that God shows Himself strong. It is in my weakness that real transparency heals the hearts of others. It is in my weakness that I am keenly aware that I alone am nothing without the breath of God…that all the gifts I possess would be fruitless if God had not been so gracious to stir the hearts of those on the receiving end of them.
So I’m learning to exhale the negative in exchange for the positive…to release the pain to receive the promise…I have finally let go of the loss to redeem the love…that I know now I need and deserve.
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