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Better Not Bitter

Responding God's Way to Life's Challenges

Month

October 2016

Love Blindly: Glimpses Through Tears

Yesterday I was reminded of “Glimpses” all day. Perhaps the reminders really began the night prior when I considered the manner to which I would do certain things from now on…whether I would really amp up the action behind the faith I claimed to believe. A message before I arrived at church mentioned how God is not too liberal with the details. Rather, He provides us “glimpses” of what’s to come…our promise…the next step.

I’ve been inundated with glimpses a long time…At least 8 years have passed since I was first introduced to the glimpse of a stage set…the atmosphere was right…I was in my element…Yet, yesterday I almost allowed the last few pieces to not fall inline…

I paced for too long…so long I stayed up too late…I almost allowed myself to be a no show to destiny…but God has a way of snapping us out of our voluntary idleness doesn’t He? And He reminded me of Grace…undeserved…no compensation required…

It’s taken some time for me to get used to this “receiving thing” I suppose if any excuse would suffice, “I’ve tried this love thing before and failed miserably!” And I recalled the message given the night prior, “Not Again.”

Still, even then I tried to make things logical. I tried to further question God’s decision and whether I was hearing Him at all. So He loved me so much He sent an Angel to tell me flatly what I needed to hear. I had already been overwhelmed with emotion because of the song that literally was stuck on my phone the night before, “Covered by Grace” by Israel Houghton…It wouldn’t stop playing…

So I wasn’t expecting to get the response I had to all the questions only God and I could have known were swarming in my head, but He sent her anyway. I was just doing business as usual…desiring to pay someone a compliment…because their energy had encouraged me…Her talks about joining the choir struck me…her reasons for doing so reminded me of my own…how I had been longing to sing again for years, but that God pulled me from my position several years ago to focus on my family. I was obedient then so when the statement arose to just join…I realized that I technically was not a member.

To think it would seem that I was even afraid of committing to a church…in favor of lingering around instead…Kneeling with the concern of a mom she said, “You’ve got so many things going on in your mind. You’re worried about your kids and how this and that is going to work out. Keep it Simple. Know that God has got you covered. You are where you are supposed to be”

And the Dam Broke…I’d been doing okay during the service and worship songs evoke tears from everyone so I wasn’t alone. Yet, with all the fuss after service I was still crying. I said that my tears were of joy, however, I know that it was a mixture of joy and fear of going forward with what my heart couldn’t seem to “turn off” despite my logic.

“Love Blindly”

In that moment…I considered the directive…

Hadn’t that been my problem all along. Hadn’t I given my heart to the wrong somebody too often…hadn’t I risked vulnerability for nothing before?

How do I teach myself to love blindly when I’ve been forced to realize that the love I decided to give to others before had never been reciprocated. Loving blindly got me embarrassed before. Loving blindly hurt before. Loving blindly hyphenated my name twice. In retrospect, I know why I could never really commit to the full name change…I knew neither marriage was right…since the demise of those, I’ve learned at least that much about my decision. I said a few years ago I’d never do that again because who God has for me will be worth the transition and I knew I would be ready because God had been transforming me even then.

I had to come to terms in recent weeks that I had been in love with my ex-husband. I wanted to believe that maybe I’d made up that love in my mind because the peace was never really there. Yet, this love…I know he won’t intentionally hurt me or betray me. This love has been perfected in Christ. I want to receive it, but I really don’t know how.

So why do I still fear the next step? Why am I all of a sudden nervous around him? Why am I all of a sudden speechless…note the irony…

Yet, knowledge has perhaps been my problem. I’m used to having a plan with details…I’m used to knowing the outcome…I’m used to falling in love quickly, but this thing has developed as a slow simmer that I hadn’t even noticed myself until a few months ago.

It would be so much easier to disappear, but his heart deserves better. So I’ve been directed…invited…admonished to love blindly…as long as Christ is my guide, I will make the effort.

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

My Desire Once Pinned

I forgot about the wedding plans, but ever so often some one decides to pin a dress…a shoe…a decorative idea…a theme I’d chosen for that day… The one that hasn’t come yet… The one I thought I’d had the grace to begin again…still…I hadn’t deleted those Wedding Ideas… Single and satisfied had been my mantra, but ever so often I lament and wonder why not me…I’ve forgiven who I should…I’ve grasped how much I’m worth… I’m at a place where settling is not an option, but still I long for these things…the promises fulfilled after the prerequisite met…a story to be shared..still no  regrets…

Keep Pedaling, You Can’t Adjust the Level.

Well, today God showed me with His great sense of humor that I cannot go back to a lower level once I’d decided on my direction. You see I was on an exercise bike and though I’ve worked out regularly, I’ve been eating everything sweet I can get my hands on the last two weeks so my workouts before had been lazy at best.

Today I was on that bike and instead of picking manual as I had before, I picked “fat burn” and I decided that I wanted to get my heart rate really pumping so I was ambitious with the goal. Four minutes into that level I was already exhausted and I had a long way to go…so I tried to lower the level…four times I tried and each time it would only allow me to pause the session and pick right back up where I left off.

I was so tired I drank nearly all my water in ten minutes. The thing is this. This bike was stationary, but I’d chosen a distance and pre-set accomplishment to shed the weight.  I was unable to backtrack my level in the middle of the work out. And honestly, I was too embarassed to ask for help thinking that the machine was malfunctioning…

Basically, I learned two things from this situation. First, on the road to destiny sometimes it is necessary for you to sit still and say yes to the pre-planned coordinates to get the benefits the manufacturer knows you desire and need. Second,  you must also realize that once you’ve started taking the steps in the right direction, there is a point of no return…you cannot turn back…In fact, I only was able to briefly pause my workout…Yet, even those pauses worked against me because then the resistance seemed stronger. I say “seemed” because it was merely a perception error. Though the level had remained the same as it had been when I decided to take my first unscheduled break, it seemed as if the level had gotten harder with each pause.  In retrospect of what I exposed of my heart yesterday, I admit that even while working out I had been fighting whether I should receive after all…whether I am really ready for romance and beyond…whether I should continue to go it alone…

I stalled my progress and made my attempts to continue more painful in my workout  and I was preventing my leg muscles from properly adjusting to the new level because I essentially had been resisting the process. I don’t want that to be my story for love and divine partnership. I suppose this was God’s way of letting me know that now that I have taken the steps to decide to believe in love again that I couldn’t go back to the prior level without more pain so regardless of the fear, the courage He’s provided still gives me the strength to just keep pedaling.

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Destiny Requires Disappointment

I  meant to post this last Sunday morning…but life happens…

Wow! God knows! I had so many other options on my heart prior to a moment ago…I woke up at 7 am…and I still walked into church nearly 30 minutes late…on my drive I heard an old school song I needed…”The Storm is Over Now” I should have expected it. So much has given me joy the last few days…Rather, throughout a burglary attempt I remained smiling…my daughter couldn’t understand why I was so happy when I shared the news with her that evening. I explained, it was Divine appointment! Months prior I’d already sought another residence without their knowledge and what I expected to take months to manifest had been accelerated. What I mean is that two days before the break in attempt, I received a call from the leasing agent at the apartment I’d sought telling me how they have a special to waive all deposits now and he remembered me. I know you’re wondering what does this have to do with disappointment? 

Well, just weeks before, I was overlooked for a position of which I know God led me. I was disappointed about 15 minutes and then I considered  the call God has on my life! Yes, I know God allowed me to apply…but He never confirmed I would receive the job…No God’s not pulling a bait and switch…just sometimes we can want to rush things so much that we allow our emotions dictate or actions…regardless, I gained clarity in the process…

The “job was too small for me! I would have been settling. Essentially I almost made the mistake of going back to Egypt instead of marching forward to my promised land…so in humble submission I understood that what I thought had been disappointment was a set up for Appointment!

Well that was that..and back tothis morning….ugh

This morning I was late because I tried to control my situation again…my son and I bumped heads and I knew he was attempting to stay home because he wanted to watch a football game. I knew because he woke up super early and asked me if he could stay home and stream the service instead. 
Stubbornness has its place, but I caused myself to get stressed over something trivial. Though I wanted to control his actions, I was confronted with the reality that he is technically grown. I raised him to honor the Lord, however, there are many things a single mom can not teach a son…He must learn on his own…so on my way to bible study I vowed not to cry in service…I refused to allow my heartbreak be evident because I knew it was a test…I expected it…with every ounce of good news…I expected the desperation of the enemy…

Funny thing is….I suppose the enemy failed to consider my desperation to do the will of God…that even the way I felt disrespected would only fuel a fire in me to be more intentional about the love I’d give to  my son…that I simply refuse to just hand over to the enemy the gift God gave me 18 years ago…Instead I relinquished my control back to the one who trusted me with him…”Bring the boy to me” echoed as I edged up Walnut Grove Rd. and that song played…”The Storm is Over now”

I still wrecked my make up, but when I entered the class and saw the title of the new series: The Disappointment Room…I knew the morning’s events had me housed there. Yet, tears dried and cracks in my heart mended by a few verses and a bridge…I crossed over and in my mind released him to Our Father. I knew I wasn’t alone. So I typed the beginnings of this message understanding my circumstances are merely prerequisites to my Promiseland because destiny requires disappointments.

Be ready or Get Left Behind

Just in time for a reminder…

Better Not Bitter

I had to teach my daughter an important lesson about timing this morning. When you’re not ready, you get left behind!

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Now Kayla had been a hard sleeper since birth so I’m not surprised by her innate delays every morning…surprised no…annoyed YES!!!

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I used to consider it a blessing she slept so hard though…I could have her hair done and have her fully clothed before breakfast when she was younger. The problem is she’s no longer a toddler! She can dress herself!

Sincerely this has become a major pet peeve…yet, while in times passed I’ve warned and waited…today I just left.

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Today was the last straw…I even snatched the covers off before I decided my exit…
…and she had the nerve to mention what would Jesus do…my reply, Jesus would say get up!!! Take up your mat and walk!  Apparently she considered herself awake though she was still lazing in…

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Do I have the Grace to Begin Again?

Randomness…a candid conversation with me and My Heavenly Father…5 minutes of what it is…you’ve been warned…unedited

 

Do I have the grace to begin again?

It’s a question I ponder every now and then?

In between the mean time and his mean time?

Maybe to consider him gruff would be a bit too much.

I know his heart though to some he seems out of touch…

Type A definitely…me not so much…not Type B either

I just be me..that’s who I be…Type Nadia…but is his type ready for L.O.V.E.?

Me thinks the heart doth protest too much…think too much…desire to speak too much…

To hear him too much…prayers to cease them…those thoughts…those confirmations of sorts…not exactly unanswered…but responded…

Why push away what you desire? Say What? Now I’m under fire?

Yes, but I told you when you are in the fire you won’t be consumed…when you pass through the waters, I will be with you…

But daughter you’re hardheaded…you still are determined to do what you do…avoiding the clues…opting for all the “to do’s” thought I told you what “to don’t”  Yet, my love will never fail so I reserved him for you as I did you for he…Both of you are stubborn! Can’t you plainly see. Your own words sealed the fate. You knew it when you wrote them and you pressed send anyway. I get it daughter, you thought you’d use it in a great fairy tale…your life’s better than fiction because clearly I wrote it that way…you wrote one way…he wrote the same…you thought one thing…he the same…You should know by now that two are better than one and a suitable helper must be refined for my son. His armor is rusty because you are made for each other whether you choose to submit now or later…For my purpose in your union is so much greater…Yes, you are great because you represent me…but imagine the impact you both will have…for my world to see…My glory manifest from brokenness and fatigue…failed marriages, broken hearts, and at least two missing fiances….needed to put all my dots in line…It really didn’t have to take this long…but darling it’s about time…Shine and glow as only you can…strut your stilettos as I showed you to do so many years ago…he will definitely be in the audience cheering you on…just as you are his backer without him even requesting your favor…one day soon you both will enjoy the savor of a love you both though was dealt only to others…your similarities will help you buffer one another…so he’s not exactly your type! Need I remind you of your faulty selection process…I must tell you…I’ve too had to smooth your rough edges…So you might as well stop calling yourself a prophetic babe…you are fully aware of the price paid for false prophesy and you know that I don’t lie so why do you continue to doubt my hows and whys…Shouldn’t because I love you be enough…because I heard your cries and know that life’s been tough…You’ve worn a mask so long you thought the facade was real. Now that you refuse to compromise, I’ll introduce to you the love that is real…other than mine of course…you know contrary to popular opinion there some good men still out there…albeit a few…but Baby girl, remember I told you through my prophet before that any man won’t do!

©2016 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Ladies, Tear off the Tag!

“Labels are sticky and hard to remove!” I remember when I first heard those words, I was captivated by them. It spoke to me because it seemed like whenever I found myself as an involuntary referee between my kids’ war of words, I would often say, “If you know you’re not “this or that,” why are you arguing over who you know you are not?

This morning I want to challenge you to consider tearing off the tag others may have placed on you! Your worth is not determined by what or who others decide to call you. Your worth was already predetermined as “fearless and wonderfully made” in “His image” and as the “apple of God’s eye” so there is no sense in even considering the words of the enemy! Yes, I said the enemy and I meant the enemy.  Now don’t get it twisted, that does not mean that the person who is attempting to “insult you” or bring you down is your enemy. The enemy uses those closest to you sometimes to discount who you are. Rather, when you allow yourself to believe the lies that are placed on you, you discount yourself.  It’s as if you are voluntarily putting yourself on sale to the lowest bidder.

Is that mess even worth your time, energy, or effort? If you think so, it shouldn’t be. I know for a long time I used to be overly concerned about what people thought of me… so much that I “dumbed” myself down to fit in with people who would never be on my level intellectually. I believed the lie. That was then and I’m so glad to embrace my now I could scream!  

I don’t have to worry about whether a person I meet calls me by my name or not because I know I will only answer to the name God gave me because it is the only one that applies. It took me a long time to get back to this place and in the meantime I’ve learned a lot about me. I’m not type A or Type B…I’m not really an introverted extravert…I just am who I am. So I guess I consider myself type Nadia! I mean I am the only me available on the planet so I’m pretty freakin’ special.  

Know that you are as well. Yes, people say this and that and some of the “things” about you may be  factual, but they don’t have to be true. I know some might wonder what I meant by that, but let me put it this way. It is a fact that I once acted very promiscuous, however, the truth is that my worth is still well above rubies…was then and is now…I just didn’t realize it before so yes, I sold myself short. Now, I know better so it’s my privilege to wait for God’s best.

You see somehow I loss sight of my royal connection…so glad to reclaim my royalty! I want you ladies to do the same…if you’re wearing your crown now…great….rock it well!  If not, allow God to pick you up and place it on your head where it belongs. That said, ladies tear off the tags because your worth is priceless!

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