For almost three months last year I remained in the dark. No, I wasn’t clueless about some obvious situation. Well, maybe a little, but I mean I was literally in the dark! Long story short, a storm caused a power outage and though everyone in my neighborhood was restored, three of my rooms remained without power. They happened to be our bedrooms. According to Entergy, I had full power at the main source, but I needed an expert…aka an electrician.
If God was trying to tell me something with that scenario, I didn’t want to get it so l remained at surface level. I knew an electrician costs money–money I did not have so I did what any struggling single mom would do-I improvised!!!
Yes, I employed extension cords and lamps to light our rooms and yes, there were a few days that I got dressed in the dark. I felt powerless and defeated because it seemed it was just one thing after another.
A day before the power outage my dryer died so I was forced to do a few things I really didn’t want to do already…go to a laundry mat. Funny how easily you take things for granted when you always have it available.
In the same way, I had taken God’s presence for granted. Sure, I wrote about Him and I knew He cared for me, but deep down I must not have believed He loved me unconditionally. I hadn’t realized how to love myself that way yet. I considered the financial and emotional drama my punishment.
I felt I hadn’t been a good enough parent so the disrespect was my lot. I felt like I really didn’t deserve romantic love so I refused to receive it. I felt like I wasn’t a good enough writer so instead of posting daily I claimed writer’s block because I couldn’t stop editing my life.
In years passed, I thought about suicide on more than one occasion. During that time last year, this was not an exception. Sleeping pills seemed a plausible way to go at one point…that is until I realized that even that method could be painful.
You see I’ve never liked pain…for that reason…I hate needles and tight-fitting clothes…yet, to inspect my life with a magnifying glass, one would think my tolerance for pain is greater than most. Especially since most of the pain beneath the surface was self-inflicted….
At a time when I was sure I could do what I needed to do without the prying eyes of others, I too got thirsty but sought the wrong refreshment. Like that Samaritan woman, Jesus, thought enough of me to change His course to redirect my path. At what seemed like my lowest point, my encounter with Him forced me to examine the choices I’d made and pour out the source of my pain….I could do nothing but lay my “issues” at His feet.
I admit now that the process began then, but only within this last year…the last few months …even weeks have I really been able to see and embrace the fruit of the labor of Christ’s love for me.
I’m glad to say that I no longer have to look back and sulk. I no longer have to blame myself for something already forgiven. I am okay with sometimes not being okay.
Understanding that even in my trials God had never left my side is what keeps me going now. My lights ended up being repaired for free both physically and spiritually then, but not before I got too tired of being in the dark.
The funny thing about my three dark rooms is that the entire time, the only issue I had was that I hadn’t flipped the right switch to access the power that had been readily available to me on my breaker. Instead I assumed it was fine because it looked that way.
I guess on the outside for a time, I appeared that way as well….so much that I believed that I was full when I was near empty.
Emotionally and mentally my switch was flipped when I truly embraced forgiveness of myself and offered it unconditionally to all those who had hurt me in the past. That first step began with me forgiving my mother.
God has done so much in me and through me this year that I wake daily astounded by His presence…I’ve found myself more often re-reading the posts He’s inspired me to write to you over again to better appreciate my journey.
Well, so far that journey has been one paved with broken pieces indeed…yet, in all those days of crying and possibly feeling worse physically and mentally than I could have imagined before, I’m glad to know that my light didn’t go out, I just needed to flip the switch and shine.
©Nadia Davis 2015. All Rights Reserved.