Good grief! I guess I’m not done yet…

A full night’s sleep has become something of a distant memory for me now.  It seems I can’t focus and the things I say I’m going to do keep going undone.

Could I still be grieving?

My mother would have been 66 today had God not invited her home last January.

I know I’ve faced a lot the last few months but I am aware of what brings me joy…yet as I comb through websites and find myself reading book after book and article after article about sleep deprivation and home remedies I still end up more tired that I was when I began.

Chronic Fatigue? Adrenal Fatigue? Over-stressed?

I suppose by the symptoms it would seem I’ve become a prime candidate for all three. A year ago it wasn’t nearly this hard. I admit I have always done a little bit too much.  I’ve tried to shave things off my plate to make room for those who matter and the things that should, but lately it seems that lines have been blurred. It seems I have a hundred things in my mind at one time and all I want to do is have the ideas, issues, and things to slow down…

Slow Down…something that I haven’t been able to do….to do list….wow something I recall having even in high school!  I’d calculate the time I needed to accomplish things, list what needed to be done, and do it with time to spare…Where exactly has all that time gone.  Is it that my list has grown too long or that it is full matters that would be best left omitted?  There are so many questions I can’t answer. Yet, my mind constantly wonders about all the possibilities and what if’s anyway.

I need silence.  My eyes beg for solace.  I yearn for a stillness that I used to have.

Last year.  Things were not as hard as my right now.  I had goals. I could focus….at least some of the time.  So last week I began reading yet another book to solve this dilemma.

I tired of it immediately.


It’s one thing to know a thing and entirely another to apply what you know to impact your outcome.

Last year on Resurrection Sunday, I took an unplanned trip to see my mother.  I’d seen pictures of her in her frailty before that trek and perhaps the reality of those shots hindered my willingness to visit more often prior to that moment, but now I understand why for at least a year, I’ve been chasing my tail….doing so much and accomplishing so little.

I saw her.

…and the realization that I could “do nothing” to fix her plagued me….the fact that I could do nothing to fix “us” still dances in my mind from that moment until the present one….

Seeing her then did something to me that I hadn’t had the courage to admit until now. It did something to me that I hadn’t had the willingness to let go until today. Although she’s passed and is in peace with our Father in heaven, I’d actually been plugged up with so much anxiety because in some small way, I believed that by not completing some of the tasks I’d planned to do that I failed her.


I know it might sound odd and while it might be hard for some people to grasp, God knew I’d get here.  He also knew that the only way that I would stop “doing” is only if I had no choice.  So spiritually and physically drained I found myself in tears in a bible study class I’d visited miles away from where I currently reside, but all too close from where I’d attempted my escape years prior.

I’d blurred the lines of people pleasing with God-pleasing.  I mistakenly made the “I” in I can do all things through Christ bigger than the only One who could strengthen me regardless of what I encountered…even the death of my mother.  I considered this would be just another thing that “I” could handle alone.

I was wrong.

Blinded by my own pride, I like the lone beggar in Mark 10 finally cried out for His direction despite the advice from all the “self-help” books I’d perused.  And like He addressed Bartimaeus, I felt Jesus requesting the same of me Sunday during that service:

“What do you want Me to do for you?”

I’ve pondered the question for the last two days, but now I have an answer.

Lord, I too want You to Restore my sight.  Help me again to see the good in the grief I’ve faced.  Restore my focus for Your glory.  Amen.

©2015 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

Be ready or Get Left Behind

I had to teach my daughter an important lesson about timing this morning. When you’re not ready, you get left behind!


Now Kayla had been a hard sleeper since birth so I’m not surprised by her innate delays every morning…surprised no…annoyed YES!!!


I used to consider it a blessing she slept so hard though…I could have her hair done and have her fully clothed before breakfast when she was younger. The problem is she’s no longer a toddler! She can dress herself!

Sincerely this has become a major pet peeve…yet, while in times passed I’ve warned and waited…today I just left.


Today was the last straw…I even snatched the covers off before I decided my exit…
…and she had the nerve to mention what would Jesus do…my reply, Jesus would say get up!!! Take up your mat and walk!  Apparently she considered herself awake though she was still lazing in bed.

Long story short…I dropped my son off…she had an attitude when I got back, but now she was on my time and at my mercy.

You see she doesn’t have to be at school until an hour after her brother but I drop her off early so she can chat with her friends before school. It’s really a privilege for her and a covenience for me.

Eventually we left together after I got ready. I admit I delayed things on purpose. Lord, forgive me!


Anyway…she reached her destination on time because of grace…she could have rode the school bus that’s always late…or she could have walked…or she could have missed out completely…and without saying a word further, she knew it could be worse….

So what’s the moral here?

When it’s time to go, don’t ignore the warning…get up and move or you will get left behind.


I’ve had to learn this lesson too many times…and if yesterday’s post wasn’t evidence enough that I’d been getting ready for too long, my own frustration with my daughter’s passivity was just the match I needed to burn up my tendency to procrastinate! With that I advise you to get moving before you too get left behind.


It’s “Do” Season

Oddly enough I’m just going to keep this short and sweet for myself and for anyone else out there who’s been too comfortable “in the meantime.”

Today as I walked my dogs I noticed a bumble bee, a butterfly, and several wasps flitting by.  I also took note of several summer flowers still in bloom.  It occurred to me that these bad boys had no idea  the season changed!  They were still holding on for dear life!

No pun intended….okay yes it was….images (9)

I laughed at one wasp because it was trying to fly against the wind.  It was going no where….which brings me to my point.  Just like the confused insects, until yesterday, I really   had no idea what season it was for me either.

This little message helped change my mind:

Simply stated, It’s Time

I have made some strides by faith that have almost entirely blown my mind lately, but really I’ve moved slower than God’s been leading me.  It’s not that I don’t want the harvest…it’s that I’ve had this little issue with timing…I guess I hadn’t realize how quickly seasons change.

This is an accelerated one for me and possibly for you as well.  That said is there something that you know you should be doing that you are not simply because you want to “wait four more months?”

John 4:35 New Living Translation 

35 You know the saying, ‘Four months between planting and harvest.’ But I say, wake up and look around. The fields are already ripe[a] for harvest.

So while the bugs I mentioned earlier were still holding onto a season that had passed, I’m aware that my destiny is too important to try to fly against the changing winds.  So now I’m eagerly embracing my “do” season.

©2015 Nadia Davis.  All Rights Reserved.

Ask, Believe, and reCeive

“May I see your phone for a minute?”  His request came only minutes after my daughter’s to which I replied the same, “Not now, I’m listening to something.”  It was possibly a full minute before my son asked the same question again.  This time I said, “Just wait. Kayla asked first anyway.  Considering that she had dibbs when I was done,  before I opened the car doors he was already bargaining with her…explaining that his need was greater than hers…that he only needed it for a few minutes.  Kayla relented.  She was more interested in the book she just got anyway.  And again, before I could turn on the ignition, Recco again made his intentions known.  By that time as you would imagine, my tone matched my frustrationso I responded, “I’m using it, just wait!”

“But Why?” (My kids tend to think that anyone over age 30 have no reason to possess such gadgets obviously)


“It’s my phone!”

Yes, people….quite possibly my son and daughter are the only kids at their schools who do not own their own cell phones!  Well,  not anymore….Prior experience has made me hesitant.  They’ve had two before and my son was the culprit behind the demise of at least two of my prior ones so right now, they are phoneless.

Before we arrived home, he asked at least 3 more times…Completely irrirtated when I parked I plainly told him, “This kind of thing is going to make me not give it to you period!

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Not for him….for me…clearly his behavior over my phone matched mine with regards to a future husband.

When we arrived home, I was done with the phone, but the way he kept bugging me about what I’d already told him he’d receive made me want to keep it to myself anyway.  Yet, as I was convicted over my own spoiled antics with God’s promises, I surrendered quietly and acknowleged how quite possibly I was delaying the manisfestation of my own blessings by being a little too persistent with my request.

Yes, the bible says to keep asking, keep knocking, and seeking—still over the years I’ved learned that if anything my prayers should have been doing so from a perspective of thanksgiving despite the manisfestation because God is faithful.

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Now I admire my son’s tenacity because what at first irrirtated me to know end was the very thing god used to remind me of the way I treat His word.  My actions as were my son’s showed a complete lack of trust.

No parent wants to think that his or her own child doesn’t trust him or her so I see how my constant prayers laced with doubt were not sufficient.  They lacked the confidence in knowing God will deliver as promised.  Now my son, on the other hand had prior experience with me letting him down so I I can understand his apprehension (I tend to forget things)images (1)

I had no excuse.  God has always come through for me and I have no reason to believe otherwise. So while the waiting period is uncomfortable, it’s teaching me to ask, believe, and receive again a little differently.  I know that unless I align myself with his order, I’ll just wait that much longer.  To that I think I’ll pass.

©2015 Nadia Davis.  All Rights Reserved.


Blessed Quietness

It’s tragedies like these that have the world questioning God’s existence.


…questioning how any good could come from such a murderous rampage.  So a moment of silence is offered in remembrance of those slain…I intended an entirely different post for today, but tragedy doesn’t seem to care about other’s agendas so I digress the norm for this somber yet alarming note.

A moment of silence…not a prayer…just silence…Vigils are held across the nation in their honor…yet just a moment of silence…Oh of course just silence….that’s the only way to remain PC isn’t it?  So unbelievers aren’t offended…but what about the believer’s offense?

My daughter was offended this morning…the media coverage simply rubbed her the wrong way….rather, it might have even been the right way in retrospect…

“Nobody wants the world to know their kid is dead”

She said it emphatically so I lowered the radio’s volume and tuned into her instead.  Her tone intrigued me so I listened and she continued,

” It’s bad enough that it happened-they will never get the time to heal because ten years from now it will be an anniversary and media coverage will make them relive the loss all over again!”

She was right.  The reality of those who’d endured the tragic loss of their loved ones were forced to relive the events even with the news of this shooting…the media inevitably must revisit these things.  It’s for that reason I’ve chosen not to even mention the specific mass shootings in public places of months, years, and even decades passed.

You undoubtedly know about them. a few are still in litigation so yes my daughter was correct.  Families and friends of the loss are forced to relive the events again and again with each passing day because tragedy is constant in media.

So we as believers are forced to reflect on questions like:

“How could God allow this?”

“Why didn’t God prevent this?”

And more of God’s children become angry with His justice. The assailant perished but how many more bodies will be added to his count before week’s end…Yes, blood continues to flow in the veins of those who were physically injured, but still a deadness is inevitable in their souls…at least momentarily…Perhaps not…maybe the survivors will be strong enough to understand the reason they were spared was because the Father “gave His angels charge over them

Perhaps some will consider it luck because they simply don’t know any better.  Regardless, only time will tell the effects both positive and negative in terms of yesterday’s events in Oregon.

I’m reminded of a somewhat funny quote a friend shared with me a few days ago after hearing the Pope’s address…”I’m not gonna lie, I’m gonna be mad as hell if I was killed and get to heaven and see my murderer there!”  Don’t judge-Real Talk…no filters!!!

We laughed, but her analysis deserves ground now especially because that’s the very obstacle that many believers struggle with now.  Of course, this shooter supposedly targeted Christians …yet so did the Apostle Paul before his conversion.  If this 26 year old killing machine repented and said he believed in Jesus, would he too be in heaven with the slain?

Scripture tells us he would if that were indeed the case…that is if his heart were sincere…We must be secure in our faith regardless because God knows the heart even when we don’t.  That’s what matters in that arena…

Regardless, I’m sure many of those who shed tears for for the other lives lost have smiled at the news of the assailant’s passing whether Christian or not…before either we are human.  and oftentimes our humanity speaks louder than the spirit man if we are not regularly immersed in the word.  Even then, we fall.  I could speculate that this man busted the gates of hell wide open when he failed to take his last breath….Yet, I don’t know that to be true…Only God does.  Regardless, my job as a Christian is not to know the why or the how of God’s will, but to trust that whatHe allows will have more good for the innocents than bad.  My prayer now is that we as a nation and world quickly recognize that and govern ourselves accordingly.

©2015 Nadia Davis.  All Rights Reserved.

So I didn’t cry

I expected that I would because there have been times when the silliest things get me emotional, but I didn’t.


As I rolled onto the parking lot and observed the familiar scene I wondered how long had the apartment community had that name.  It had since changed, but the address remained the same. I saw cars parked in front of the dwelling I once shared with a man who broke more than my nose when he punched me.

I’d hoped the area was condemned somehow…I didn’t want to think that another soul could possibly live comfortably in a place that I’d known only as hell on earth.  Then I imagined the place where I live now and wondered had there too been “incidents” there that were merely covered up with fresh paint and new carpets.  Flashes of the scene remained vivid as I considered parking there.  I kept going.  I drove further around back surveying the area…attempting to gather if there were any possible way I could have been able to escape it had I just moved faster that night.


There would have been nowhere to hide with a 4 year old and 6 month old in tow.  I was trapped and considering the what ifs and maybes are pointless now.  Still, I tried to do just that.  Minutes later I was in front of the old mail center.  That night I had actually considered that place an option.  Still it was wide open, but I considered perhaps he was not smart enough to look there because it was in the opposite direction.  So I parked again and snapped a picture.  Perhaps the dark of night would have covered me and my children then after all.  No, how could it have done so?  That night started for us before the clock made night evident….Daylight Savings Time worked against us all that evening.  Night came too late to hide. Yet, when it arrived finally, that was the time when I longed for daylight…any light.  Even the blue lights failed me.  6 Rings the 2nd call to 911 before bloodshed.  Less than 2 miles from the police precinct, yet he arrived before they did.  I could be angry with law enforcement and in retrospect, I suppose for a long while I was, but…


Even as I type these words, I still haven’t shed a tear…I’m actually sitting here smiling.  And no it’s not because I know that the perpetrator is behind bars.  In fact, that was only a recent development and discovery.  He was never convicted for my assault.  It actually makes my heart ache for his soul.  He’s in jail for a separate crime.  Aggravated rape and assault.  I suppose old habits die hard for some indeed.


I could take this time to cry for the other victims that came after my attack, but I won’t.  My run for my life was for my life…so no I did not testify…I disappeared and started over with the clothes on my back…I surmised at the time that I had a right to be selfish with my testimony…God was patient with me.

He allowed me the time to hold my testimony to myself for 12 years…I bled long enough so as He leads…I’ll share…as He prepares I’ll bear…

I have no reason to cry anymore…I’m not wounded…It doesn’t hurt, but not because I’m numb…I haven’t cried because I forgave

©2015 Nadia Davis.  All Rights Reserved.

Co-dependence: The Guilt that Keeps on Giving

Today is a day of firsts! The first day of the month and the first day in over 12 years that I’ll dare set foot on the scene of the crime…the one that momentarily left me with the inability to feel I had a reason to smile like this: image

Yet…for no particular reason…I’ve learned to smile often…thankfully it’s no longer to hide pain, but to embrace promise, potential, and every opportunity within reach.

I accept what happened years ago as a learning opportunity…Albeit, physically painful and emotionally jarring I can finally agree that by God’s grace, I’ve thrived beyond domestic abuse…today is also the first day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month…so I pray every post going forward encourage a lifestyle a little freer than the day before…whether you consider yourself a victim of abuse…a former perpetrator of it, or someone stuck in between…I hope this post is a start to the healing process…I actually penned the latter part of this post yesterday so it’s tone is a bit random, but no less from the heart of one who’s been there…done that…a free to be the me I was meant to be…

Warning, this is one of those spur of the moment posts that are bound to have typos and run-ons and stuff.  It’s random and off the cuff…I came, I typed and there you have it….but I’m learning to at least get this stuff out…I leave the editing for later.

Do you consider yourself an agreeable person?

If you answered yes to that question, you probably are thinking pretty well of yourself, huh?

Well, time to bust your bubble.  If you are or better yet if those who interact with you consider you an agreeable person, you might be susceptible to a certain danger than has claimed the lives of millions.  Yep, you just might be co-dependent!

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I know I know.  Isn’t it good to be “agreeable?” In certain situations it might me a fitting trait, but there comes a time when you simply must have and USE a mind of your own. And before you think that I’m pointing the finger here…let’s just say I, like many of you reading this post, have had the unfortunate displeasure of being codependent before.  Whew!!! Glad I got that over.

First, let me explain for those who might not know what codependency is.

It would seem that the wording alone should be enough but then it could easily get misconstrued that co-dependence suggests that there is a healthy level of dependence on another individual of which you are in a relationship with….Wow…didn’t that sound all important and stuff…Anyway…it’s actually the exact opposite…


For those who could care less about the scientific definition or application….it basically means you’re a people-pleaser or “agreeable.”  It even almost suggests that you don’t allow yourself to have a single thought without considering the impact that it will have on another individual…oh and then abruptly changing that thought to make sure it’s what they want even if you dont… AWWW…I know again you’re probably thinking…isn’t that just being thoughtful or compassionate.  Don’t all relationships require sacrifices? Yes and No….of course the purpose of this post is leaning on the “no” of it so follow me…

People pleasing to the extent that you lose your own say is not healthy.  I know because I lived it for far too long…You might say….I felt like busting loose and I’ve been slowly trying to get my “no” as tactful as possible lately.

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Codependency is not just in romantic relationships either….it can even be at work!!!!   Yep, I admit, the first step towards my escape of co-dependence started on 05/15/15.  the day I gave my 2 week notice to my former employer.  Now I’m not bad mouthing them or anything….the ministry is great and the coworkers were really like family….but I knew I had to go….There was no growth there for me and while parting was indeed sweet sorrow….my right now gives me joy in spite of the irregularity of a pay check!

I really hope somebody gets this for real….download (1)

Yes, there have been some things that I had originally committed to that I have since recanted because I have to be mindful of my own well-being first.  Now, I am not advocating that you trot off thinking that it’s all about “you” because it’s not.  I am, however, suggesting that you seriously consider your options before you make any rash decisions.

And oh but the bible says….Yes, about that…Blessed are the peace-makers for they are the children of God…yes, Mathew 5:9 of the Beattitudes….Yes, Jesus said it and that settles it…..

Don’t get it twisted please….being a peace maker in no way means that you surrender the very mind, actions, and soul that God gave you to please another when you’re slowly dying on the inside.  I know that might seem a bit drastic, but obviously this subject is dear to me…consider this scripture instead if you find your self stuck in between all the time:

James 1:8 New Living Translation

Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

Yes, there are times when it is going to be necessary that you bear one another’s burdens, but there must be balance.  And that my friend is exactly what a co-dependency lacks.  There is no balance because for that to occur there would have to be two sides holding equal weight.

That’s why I emphasize so much the importance of wholeness before you enter into a relationship.  You’ve simply got to know your limits…have some boundaries…and understand the consequences of YOUR decisions.

So people, this is not some expert moment about being delivered from co-dependence overnight or even in a few months….It’s really about choosing the best option for you and your family.  Yes, compromise is sometimes needed, but at some point you should develop and stick to your convictions as God allows.

There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to get this far in my mini analysis had I not began to defer many of my decisions to the Lord for direction. That said, I’ve made some drastic changes and it has been daunting, but in the long run I know I’m getting better. So yes, I’m learning to just say no to things that aren’t in my best interest…I want to encourage you to choose to do the same.

©2015 Nadia Davis. All Rights Reserved.

I Know Not…

A while ago my prayer for wisdom seemed a simple request.  Almost immediately I found myself tested.  Questions about relationships, finances, wholeness, and a fruitful spiritual walk arose daily.  Ironically, all of which were areas I deemed myself woefully deficient.  Yet I was on the receiving end of such anyway.  Perhaps those who asked of me knew me better than I knew myself at the time.


There is One who knows me best.  God does. He answered my prayer for wisdom and discernment.  I expected to wait longer like some of the prayers of years passed. I’m embarrassed to admit the burden I requested…for people to look to me for answers when my own mind seems adrift most days in a sea of known things I desire to forget….


Since that prayer many months ago, conviction has been my constant companion. Discernment has kept me awake  many nights and I’ve found myself still unable to grasp the “who” that I am. Instead, my mind has jogged between the must dos and must goes…yet today, my heart stopped.

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I had no answers.  I didn’t know half of what people expected of me.

Before her illness, I thought I knew His plan. In fact, I thought ours were identical.  Yet God’s lacked what mine was full of…Omissions…

  • My plan conveniently withheld the discipline required to possess a submissive will.  
  • My plan included the gifts without the opposition.  
  • Yes, my plan outlined the desires of a tattered heart, but still passively dismissed that Christ really did have the ability to make it beat again.
  • My plan had several emergency exits.  

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This journey has forced me to rely on God’s provision day by day.  So though I resisted before, now, I’ve made the choice to fully surrender my plan to His.  I admit I really don’t know the next step!  Regardless, there is one thing I am still sure of…without His guidance I simply don’t know enough!

©2015 Nadia Davis.  All rights Reserved.

You Know He’s Able so Why aren’t you Willing to Finish?

I admit that the things I’ve gone through over the passed few months have been daunting, yet, I still somehow had the faith to believe that I could still accomplish what I’d vowed to God I would so long ago.  I’ve been sitting on half-completed manuscripts, ideas, creations for years and I became determined that no matter what happened this year at least four of those bad boys would be published.  So I paid for a publishing package for the main one. I considered it progress.  Yet, this morning God met me with a stinging reminder that I had still not fully obeyed His will.

And then it really hit home. Here I was beginning to take on loads of work from others that I really didn’t want to do. I mean the number of people who have contacted me lately offering large sums of cash has had me baffled. Yet, in my spirit I’d hear the real reason for my discomfort…I never wanted that! Yes, I like nice things and I love helping people, but the frustration I’d experienced recently was completely voluntary. I’d brought it on myself. I said yes when I really wanted to say no. I offered to help edit, write grants, and get others off to a great start while I found myself sitting still with so much unfinished business.

So today the most courageous thing I knew I could offer anyone is to finish what I’ve started…to complete the directives that I’d been given…to remain fully obedient to God’s will in lieu of what “they” thought or said. So I’ve determined to follow the heart…no not my heart…the heart of Christ because today I’m keenly aware that my blessings are bound there…that true submission starts there…so I’ve forgiven myself for over committing to help others progress while my own fruit withered…Knowing that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, I’m embracing His grace and extending the same to others…forgetting what’s been done and moving toward what will be.

I know this way I’ll reach more and I won’t get caught up in worrying about whether this person or that person wants it as bad as I want it for them. Yes, my books will point them in the right direction, but I won’t be drained in the process of another’s indecisiveness.

That said, I’ll continue to observe others…their triumphs…their failures…their lessons…and glean what is necessary for my journey. Regardless, I’ll finish.

Reverse Your Worse

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You can’t predict the issues you’ll face, but you can choose your response as issues arise. That said, I suggest you reverse your worse and live fulfilled!

I know it seems so easy to say that doesn’t it?  Of course it does. The challenge is in your follow through.  Well, this is not a time to point the finger to anything  or anybody else!  If it were, we could use up the whole day laying out the reasons why we choose to do the same old thing.

Nope, the blame of your ordinary existence is in your hands alone.


In case you’re as fuzzy about your future and how to walk in your purpose as I was until VERY recently, here are four tips that can jolt you into your new norm: fulfilling your destiny.

  1. Be present and accountable. Realize that you were not created for the sole purpose of keeping yourself company.  No, you were created to impact the lives of others in a positive way.  If you are too busy meandering between regrets and missed opportunities of yesterday you not only risk the demise of your future, but also that of those who are destined to follow your lead…whether it be your children, other family members, friends, or even strangers.   Yes, even you matter!
  2. Only give your past a glance.  The past is the past.  The decisions you make today will impact your tomorrow. So if you have made mistakes, learn from them and move on. You can’t drive a car forward looking in the rear view mirror so focus on your future and not the past.  Even in a car, the rear view mirror is only there to give you a perspective of where you are. Your past need only be a point of reference.  Keep it in drive!
  3. Be proactive not reactive.  Dwelling on the mistake will not change the results, but each day you have the opportunity to make a better decision than the day before. Accept that while you cannot change the past, you can strategically create a better future by choosing a different approach in advance.
  4. Keep moving.  It starts with accepting what’s happened and it continues by  being determined to keep walking regardless of how slow the progress seems.  It is indeed true that good things come to those who wait, so  as long as you are not standing still just know that every step is one step closer today than you were yesterday. So embrace the steady approach and achieve it!

Time is the one commodity we can’t get back so why waste it? Now if you are in the place where you want to be…fulfilling your destiny,  congratulations! Otherwise, be determined to reverse your situation by focusing on the future you want and not the one you thought you were handed.


©2015 Nadia Davis.  All Rights Reserved.